Wow. She's Cool.

2 Months... Really?!?

Strange to think it's been two months since surgery.  Part of me remembers being in San Mateo like it was just yesterday.  But at the same time my old life seems so long ago.  Nothing feels new anymore.  My body feels like it's always been this way.  I think back to before surgery and I can't even relate to that person.  How it felt, what that was like, all starting to blur and fade.

It's interesting how fast we can adapt to some changes compared to others.  I guess it makes perfect sense though.  My body is with me all the time, day and night, awake and asleep.  Other changes, like moving to my dad's, take longer to adjust to.  I'm not always at my dad's.  I may be at my mom's or out with friends or eating or shopping or whatever.  But my body is always there.  Don't really have a choice but to adjust to physical changes when it's something you have to deal with 24/7.

I feel pretty good all-in-all.  Happy at my dad's for now.  Although it's still obviously not what I really want.  I still don't have complete freedom or privacy.  Like if I wanted to run downstairs full speed, naked, screaming and making "whoo hoo" noises at 4am, that would be frowned upon.  And my cats are still not here.  Friend of mine had a great suggestion for a child gate that may work if I can persuade all parties involved.  My dad seems more willing than my mom.  My mom doesn't want to let them go because then it's just her and her one cat.  And I feel bad for her cat cause she'll be all alone all day and night when my mom's not there.  But I miss my cats!  No way on Goddess' green Earth that my ass will ever go back to my mom's house though.  Doing that in my mind would be like giving up on life entirely.  And I'm not quite there yet.

Physically I'm doing great.  Boobs still need close to 10 months from what I'm told before they start to like soften and skin relaxes and they feel more a part of me.  They look great though.  Be so glad when I can ditch this surgical bra forever.  That's less than a month away now!  As for the bottom, looks great.  Still some minor swelling on the left side labia majora or whatever.  Still that weird hard feeling underneath up top but that's normal and supposedly will decrease over time.  Some funky dead skin still there that hasn't gone away.  But again, that will happen.  Overall, everything is perfect, looks perfect, works perfect.  Have had a couple orgasms now (like literally only 2).  So things work.  Seem to be unable to have an orgasm from masturbating yet.  Not sure what that's about.  But with the next money I get I'm going to go shopping for some stuff to, how shall we say, help with that problem.

Still at a weird place though in life when you think about it.  Going through a lot of what most people would have gone through from age 12 to 18.  Having to relearn my body and what I do and don't like.  Having to adjust to physical changes suddenly.  And deciding now that I'm pretty much done with that, what do I plan to do with what's left of my life?  Most people would have figured this stuff out like ages ago.  Well, ages ago if they are my age obviously not ages ago if they're young cause that wouldn't make sense...

That first month after surgery was pretty awful for me I gotta say.  Had so much drama.  Having to move.  Not being able to have an orgasm yet.  Hormones going back to where they should be.  Pissed off many people, friends, family.  Second month was a whole lot of me time.  Getting adjusted to my body.  Moving my stuff to my dad's.  Getting furniture.  Figuring out what I'm doing.  Relearning basic things like how to bathe and pee and have sex.  Things most people have pretty much figured out by the time they're almost 40.

Now, the next thing I have to do is try to fix a whole lot of messed up friendships.  I've already accepted the fact that not all of them will be fixable and that I'm likely going to be down a few friends when the dust settles.  But one-by-one I need to try and work things out with them.  It wasn't my intention to piss anyone off.  I didn't wake up thinking, hey, let me piss everyone off.  My life just got too overwhelming for me.  And while I know my friends lives are intense too, and they all have their own problems, and their lives may seem overwhelming to them.  Point is, mine was/is overwhelming to me.  And made it impossible for awhile there to deal with or even listen to most other people's problems.  Not that I didn't care.  But that I was just overloaded mentally and emotionally.  All I could do is push everyone away for my own sanity.

But I have hope that 2013 will be the most amazing year EVER!  I really think it will.  Starting a whole new year, whole new life, new body, living in a new place.  It's like someone hit the reset button on my fucked up life finally.  And now I can start over again from scratch.  Rebuild friendships.  Fix life.  Rediscover myself and the world.  As I go forward, leaving all that was behind me.  Slightly difficult to start life at age 40.  But that's, as they say, the hand I was dealt I guess.  Better late than never?  I dunno.  lol  Guess we'll see.

Blessed Yule to anyone that actually bothers to read this.  Somehow I feel like I'm just talking to myself when I type this stuff.  But I look like crap today so just didn't have it in me to do video.  Next time.

Settling Into Life

So yes, my dad is super supportive and accepting of me being trans obviously. He pretty much gets me being pansexual. And he gets intersex. Great. I'm so very thankful for that.

What I'm discovering now though as I continue moving my stuff over here from my mom's house is that he's considerably less understanding of other things.

As I load the upstairs with geekdom, remote control R2 units, katana, light saber, cosplay stuff, box of phasers, video games and consoles going back 4 decades, etc. He just mostly laughs and makes fun of me. The usual "you'll never grow up" stuff. That's fine, I can deal with that. Not the biggest deal. Bit annoying and ridiculous but whatever.

My being Libertarian... far less accepted. From Mr. "I'm a registered Democrat" that's then voted Republican in every election his entire life. We argue a lot. He does nothing but watch Faux News errr Fox News all day. Makes me sick some of the things they say on there. But I stay quiet and avoid it. But then he starts bitching out "those damn liberals." And I'm like... uh... yeah.

And the real issue is my being Wiccan. He's Catholic. And he doesn't know. And has made many very strong comments against Paganism over the years. When I finally start loading my books into the bedroom he's going to have a coronary.

So not sure what to do about all this. I mean it's WAY better here than my mom's. And I will NEVER go back there. My dad and I fight but at least he's not crazy, unpredictable, random, senseless, chaotic, and all that other crap that my mom is.

Need to move out of here as soon as I can. But really can't deal with that until at least six months post-op when I know I'm healed up completely and such. Plus section 8 housing closed in Miami-Dade and Broward like a year to two years ago. Both full and not taking more applicants. I do not make enough money to survive on my own with what people want for rent even if I roommate with someone. And if I get a job I will not be able to get full disability it will only be partial. Which is a problem because of the Humira for example which is a class 3 medicine and without full coverage it's roughly $2k a week. Even with assistance from them it would be $800 per week. Which means if I did get a job I'd have to get a millionaire's job. Need to make money under the table or illegally somehow. Kind of forced to. How fucked up is that?

Dunno how I'm supposed to survive like this. I'm clearly stuck at my dad's for at least a year. Still so much to do. So much medical crap all day planning everything I do around when I need to do dilation and epsom salt bath and it's maddening. I haven't even figured out how to get my birth certificate amended or replaced or whatever. I've asked several people and got no real answers that were helpful.

Feeling a bit lost and confused over life. But feel physically great. And emotionally and mentally doing much better now as far as the surgery itself. Just life in general being a pain now. Overall though, things are good for now. Could be better. But certainly better than they were at my mom's. As hard as it was to get out of there it was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. lol

They Said, "Wait Until 6 Weeks." That Was Not A Lie.

When those bandages were first removed everything looked so perfect.  Maybe I was just overwhelmed.  Maybe I was blinded by happiness.  I do not know.  But it looked perfect.  Too perfect.

Two weeks post-op it looked much less than perfect.  Some skin was bright red, inflamed looking.  Other parts looked almost grey in color.  There was swelling everywhere.  Stitches sticking out all over where they were starting to break as parts began to dissolve.  Skin was torn in a few spots.  Scars were a mess.  It was frankly scary looking and freaked me out.  Dilation was very difficult.  And the medium size dilator was beyond torture causing me to pass out from pain the first time.

By four weeks it was officially disturbing.  I was starting to really worry.  Not only was it looking weirder it was feeling weird.  And as I would find out a week later I was beginning to get a skin infection.  Cellulitis.

Five weeks brought me a skin infection, even more swelling, parts of stitches falling off.  Long parts of stitches coming out amongst massive amounts of vaginal discharge.  An overwhelming stench.  Incredible swelling and major redness.  Funky discomfort that felt hard under the skin.  Just a variety of things.  Enough to cause me worry.  I called Dr. Bowers' office in Colorado.  Emailed her nurse in California.  Texted her.  Emailed my ob/gyn.  Started asking friends, family, everyone what they think could be wrong.

End result was a skin infection.  A course of antibiotics for a week.  The discovery that the hard feeling going on is in fact the erectile tissue folded and moved under the skin that apparently does get hard like an erection at times.  And most importantly, peace of mind that things were not totally screwed up and I'd be fine.

Somewhere around five and a half weeks I had my first post-op orgasm.  Brining me relief in so many ways.  The last piece fell into place.  I could relax now knowing that the operation was a success and everything was working as intended.

When I talked to Safina in San Mateo, California, Robin in Trinidad, Colorado, and the others, they all said the same thing.  The same thing that's in my discharge info.  Wait until six weeks.  That by six weeks everything will look so much better.  I was told that at two weeks.  Again at 4 weeks.  At 5 weeks in my panicked state.  Everyone and everything all saying wait until six weeks.

And that brings me to today.  Wednesday again.  Making it now officially six weeks since surgery.  One week of antibiotics are done.  Week since I saw the doctor.  And how am I doing?  Swelling is down a LOT.  Only some puffiness up above everything in the pubic area and some on the left side, labia majora/minora that whole area is swollen some still.  Rest of the swelling is gone.  Stitches have all dissolved entirely except for a very small spot near the clit that does still cause a pinching pain sometimes.  The red inflamed skin is no longer looking inflamed or red.  Looking like a normal light pink color.  Very little odor if any.  Hair covering scars that are healed and starting to fade.  Dilation is so much easier.  I can tolerate the medium sized dilator now.  Still not ready for the large one.  I still struggle with medium but it's not debilitating anymore.  I can have orgasms.  I get wet.  And 9 out of 10 times when I go to the bathroom now I pee in a straight stream into the bowl.  No longer a random spray that goes in every direction except where I want it to.  There is still the unusual hard feeling from the folded erectile tissue.  It feels like this weird pressure at times that can be almost painful.  But it's supposed to get better with time.

Overall, everything is great.  Looks great, feels pretty good, working as it should.  Oh, and the top is perfect too.  Stitches gone up there as well.  No pain or discomfort.  Still stuck wearing a surgical bra until January 24th.  But they look great, feel great, love them.  Current measurements put me at a 38C.

So they were right.  I was starting to lose faith for a bit there around week five.  I didn't think it would improve that much that fast.  But, Marci and her team are the experts.  After over a thousand of these operations it's safe to say they know exactly what to expect.  Complete and total success!

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!: First Post-Op Orgasm

I'm not going to say where, when, or how.  What I am going to say is how glad I am that it did.

Since surgery I have had a lot of issues to overcome as I adjust to my new body.  But my biggest fear both before and after surgery has been whether or not I'd be able to have an orgasm.  Before surgery I masturbated several times a day.  I had sex a lot throughout my life (more so in my youth lol).  And in my mind it was a lot to risk.  Since surgery, five and a half weeks ago, I've been worried.  I haven't had or been able to have an orgasm during this entire time.  It's led to me being stressed, sexually frustrated, short-tempered, and hostile.  I've been just spinning on people and bitching them out.  My family, friends, whoever.

Well finally, I can say my new parts work.  And like I had heard it felt pretty much the same as it used to except much more intense and much more difficult to achieve.  But what matters is it works!  I can't begin to express what a huge relief it is just knowing that.

14th Annual International Transgender Day of Remembrance

I wrote this article for the Unitarian Fellowship of South Florida's website.  They are a small Unitarian Universalist church located in Hollywood, Florida that I've gone to events at.  I know several of their fellowship, some for as long as 16 years.  I've simply copy pasted the article below.  Enjoy!

_________________________________________________________________________________

265 People Killed in the Last 12 Months*

265 people, humans, the same as you or me.  Parents, children, friends, like yours.  They did nothing wrong.  They lived.  They loved.  They worked and went to school.  They ate the same food, drank the same water, breathed the same air.  But their lives were taken because they wanted what we all want.  To be happy, to be themselves, to live the lives they wanted to live.  265 innocent lives lost due to hate, prejudice, and a lack of education and understanding.

When I was asked to write an article on the 14th Annual International Transgender Day of Remembrance I didn't know where to begin.  Should I talk about the dead?  Should I talk about what it's like to be transgender?  Should I tell my story?  But then I saw this statistic.  It's utterly heartbreaking.  And this only includes the murders that were reported and doesn't even include all the suicides.

To think in one year that many of my sisters' and brothers' lives were cut short by hate; hurts me deeply.  To think they will never have what I have.  To think they died doing exactly what I'm doing.  I can't understand that level of hatred.

I'm transgender.  I'm post-op.  And living a life they can no longer have.  Yes we need to remember those lost.  We need the world to know how many innocents are being killed because they identify as transgender.  But we also need to celebrate life.  The world also needs to see those of us who are still alive.  And hopefully through education and by hearing our stories the world may slowly begin to understand that we are no different from anyone else except that we aren't the gender the world tries to tell us we are.

Most people can never imagine waking up every day hating who you are, the way you look, the pronouns people call you.  Most people will live their entire lives without giving much thought to gender, hormones, chromosomes, their own names even.  Their lives will go on and they will check the box "male" or "female" without so much as a second thought.

But try for a second to imagine a life where you feel the world forcing you into checking one box when you know you're the other.  Imagine hating the clothes you're forced by society to wear in order to "fit in".  Imagine looking in the mirror and hating what you see EVERY TIME.  Day in and day out, for years, for decades.

A lot of transgender people have come forth in the last couple years.  Many celebrities have publicly transitioned, thereby increasing public awareness about what it's like being transgender.  Chaz Bono, son of world famous singer Cher.  Laura Jane Grace, singer-guitarist of the punk band Against Me!.  Jenna Talackova, Miss Universe Canada contestant.  Lana Wachowski, director, screenwriter and producer.  Hopefully in time as our stories are told the world will come to understand.

But, these senseless murders need to stop.  So take this Tuesday, November 20th to remember those lost.  Light a candle in their name.  But also go forward and do your part to stand up for transgender rights wherever and whenever you can.  Because transgender rights are human rights.  Help spread love and education.  And let's all pray, meditate, and send energy into the universe that one day these awful crimes will cease and that this unwarranted hate will subside.

Events are being held around the world this week to remember those lost and to provide awareness and hope for the future.  You can find a complete list of events worldwide at www.transgenderdor.org.

Locally, you can join myself and others for a candle lighting ceremony at:
The Pride Center
2040 N. Dixie Highway
Wilton Manors, FL 33305
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
7:00p.m.-9:00p.m.
www.pridecenterflorida.org/2012/11/14th-international-transgender-day-of-remembrance/

For more info on Transgender Day of Remembrance visit these links:
http://www.transgenderdor.org/
http://www.facebook.com/transdayofremembrance
http://www.wipeouttransphobia.com/

For information, resources, references and education visit the following sites:
The YES Institute - The Source For Knowledge On Gender & Orientation
The TRUE Group - Transgender Support Group for Miami-Dade
The Alliance for GLBTQ Youth - Providing Services for Transgender Youth & Their Families
Sunserve - Resources For Transgender Individuals & Their Families
The Pride Center - LGBTQ Center

There are many other resources available.  For any further questions about anything above or anything related to transgender topics please feel free to contact me directly at krysta@true-group.org.

*source:  Transgender Europe’s Trans Murder Monitoring Project


Article by Krysta Lynn Cascio.

A Little Bit On Shoes... Another First After 24 Years

Tonight my mom bought me a pair of cheap ass sneakers.  Not sure why I was suddenly motivated to get sneakers tonight but I really wanted a pair.

Well, these are the first sneakers I've owned in 24 years.  Last time I owned sneakers we old folks still called them tennis shoes.

Anyone reading this is at this point wondering what the hell...  Well, 24 years ago is when I was first starting to identify as transgender.  Took two years before I officially stuck that label on myself.  But I knew I didn't want anything to do with anything stereotypically considered "male".  And in my mind sneakers were masculine, they meant activities like sports, exercise, things that would lead to building up muscles and becoming more guy like.

Of course now I realize how ridiculous that is.  But back then I had a totally different view of everything.  And so for 24 years I wore nothing but heels and boots.  Even when working or forced to dress more "male" I wore boots.  But not anymore.  I mean don't get me wrong, I'm still going to usually wear boots cause I freaking love boots!  And heels.  And boots WITH heels!  *drool*  But, sneakers too.  Especially with my yoga pants instead of those lace up heels that are 15ish years old and look it.

It's funny when I think about it.  Before surgery I felt no matter what I did or what I wore I still looked like a guy.  And now after surgery I feel like no matter what I do or what I wear I still look like a woman.  Makes no real sense logically.  I mean I don't look THAT different.  It's not like I'm walking around naked.

Just an interesting observation about myself.  And shoes.