There are many posts and things I wrote that still haven't been put up on my blog because I was without a pc for a month.
But, this is a big one right now.
What the hell happened to my life? I left for surgery with both parents supporting me and wishing me luck, with a horde of friends that love me, cheering happily for me.
Then I came back.
My mom has been hateful and malicious to me on a daily basis to where I had to move to my dad's. My dad keeps preaching that he's fed up with everything and about to wash his hands of both me and my mom and be done with me completely.
My friends, all seem different. I used to get called and texted all the time to hang out with this person or that person. To the point where I had to turn down some people because I already had plans with others. Now? Nothing. No one seems to really wanna do anything, hang out, or even talk.
I try to talk to them but it all feels so different. My best friends. People that are like family to me. People I love. But, everything feels off. If this was a Sci-Fi show I'd be expecting this to be an alternate reality or something where things are almost the same but not quite. Nothing my friends say to me seems important. Everyone seems to be talking about things I don't care about anymore. And no one seems to care about anything I have to say. It's so strange it's hard to even put into words.
Most of them are flat out not doing voice calls. IF I'm lucky to get them to chat in texts or on facebook it's not the same. There's a strange level of tension and discomfort I can't understand.
I don't understand what's happened. But I feel like I have few to no close friends (not like I had). And feel like I don't even have much family. In fact, I'm starting to wonder what I have left to keep me here at all. Maybe I should save up some money, straighten out some things, and take off far away somewhere and start over from scratch.
But, part of me, a HUGE part of me, is hoping this will pass. Is hoping that this is hormonal or something. Hoping that things aren't how they seem. Because I don't want to lose those friends and all we've been through and our whole lives and histories together. I do love and care for them, but, I feel different in ways I can't even explain in words apparently.
I'm happy about surgery. I love my body right now more than ever. I have no regrets about any of it. But, I REALLY miss a year ago. I miss that holiday party back in 2011 with all those people most of which don't speak to each other anymore, some of which I don't speak to anymore. Back before all of this insanity that has been the last few months.
I feel I've lost a lot of friends. Or at least the closeness I had with most of them. I lost my mom. Lost my cats. My life. Why the hell am I staying here? I really should leave all this behind, move far away and start over. I just don't feel there's anything left of my old life.
But then I can't help but wonder if it's my emotions. If it's hormones. Am I crazy? Maybe I'm wrong? I don't know anymore. All I know is what I feel and everything feels WAY different and not in the happy way I thought it would. Way different in a WTF happened sort of way.
I find this kind of offensive
ReplyDeleteYeah, as I said on facebook, I'm sure I pissed off a lot of people. This is why I'm taking a break from everything. Because I don't want to hurt those I care about anymore than I already have. Right now I feel like I don't care about anyone or anything anymore. I feel emotionally numb. I'm not going to sit here and defend myself for feeling a way that I myself don't like or understand though.
DeleteHopefully, I can work through this alone. And hopefully, those that call themselves friends can forgive me for being fucked up.
But right now I am emotionally and mentally unstable. And I NEED time.
I could give a shit about all that other stuff you have never cared about the same things I have. That has never bothered me. What I find offensive is your whining about no one calling you etc when I have been trying to reach you since you got back.I cant even begin to describe how I feel, not that you have obviously ever cared about that as one sided as this friendship has always been, but I am at the breaking point here so sorry that it came at an inconvienient time for you ............ good luck
DeleteWow, that's some shit. I don't know what you expect me to say to that. All I can say is what I've already said. I'm having a rough time. WAY more difficult than ANYONE realizes or could ever truly understand. I'm starting to work things out in my head and am starting to feel more emotionally stable but shit like this is not helping in ANY way. It makes me wonder why I'm even trying to rebuild friendships and such.
DeleteI asked for time away from everyone to get my head straight and you can't even give me a week without some grief. I know you have problems going on too. Everyone does. But I admitted to not being able to handle mine right now and had hoped my friends cared enough and had at least enough basic understanding of what I'm going through to realize I need time to readjust. I just let go of 40 years of my life. That's not something I can just jump back into.
But this is the last reply to this I'm going to make. Make you own choices as to what you wanna do and how you wanna handle this. I'm struggling to not go insane and trying to sort out every aspect of my life all at once. I'm sorry you can't understand how difficult it is for me to have new everything. Life, body, living situation, my whole world has been turned upside down. If you can't accept that I'm a mess and screwed up right now then fine, take care. I don't want to lose ANY of my friends, but I also will not be made to feel more miserable in the middle of a total life breakdown. Know that I DO care, I'm just in a fucked up place in my life.
Choose wisely your next words or be smart and say nothing and give me the time I asked for...
It's offensive if you don't understand it and I understand it. Oddly enough, I do. The guy who never understands what anyone is going through.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are you going through is normal. Whenever someone goes through something drastic, it takes a toll on emotions. Big changes make you think about your life and your relations. Your parents are being unreasonable.
I don't want to tell you what to do but running away somewhere isn't going to solve the problems. You have to face them. If your parents are being unreasonable then it's time to save and get a place. If you have the money and the chance, I have a good friend who is looking for a roommate. Maybe getting your own place will help. I tell you this a lot but I mean it, I connect to you. I do. I don't talk to you as much as I used to cause I really do hate the phone. That is nothing personal. Just who I am. Also there are some other personal things I need to talk to you about but we can do that in private. I guess it's important to our friendship. Things I need to get off my chest and they may help to explain what I'm going through.
If you do need someone to talk to, I'm always here. I'll shut up and talk on the phone. As much as I hate it. lol
Take care.
-Dan