So it's recently come to my attention that my life is still insane. So many things have happened over the last 38 years. I've always wished I had a journal or record. I've bought many a diary and never get past the first few days. It's not that I'm not motivated so much as too much happens to have time to write down all that happens.
I've had this blog for some time now and have left it for just silly stuff, top 13 songs for Halloween, pet peeves that are mostly for fun in the name of humor, and those times I really want to say stuff and ramble but inevitably say a whole lot of nothing because I've been holding back and not fully open about everything.
Well, I've decided to seriously take my blog more seriously, like seriously! lol Ok, not THAT serious! This is still me ya know! I was doing like I've done many times in the past and telling myself, "oh I'll start a journal or diary again for my birthday or next year or for this that or the other". Well after the week I've had I've decided that right now is the best time to start.
What really made this click in my head. I've posted a lot of intense stuff on facebook lately. Real personal revelations. And where are they? Scrolled off into history somewhere in facebook's database. Maybe 2 or 3 people actually read those long posts (being optimistic there probably). But those posts should have been here, as blog posts, where I'd be able to keep a bit more permanent record of my inane life.
Issue with this? Having to openly admit a lot of things that not everyone knows. But it's really past time for this. So, tomorrow, when I have time, I will post a couple really long, really nice posts about some of the major events that have taken place this week. And it's my intention to keep this up moving forward. I think a good deal of why my diaries and journals faded was because I tried to do them in an old fashioned book with a pen like this was the 20th century or something. I once typed over 60wpm and even with the handicap the internet put upon me by making me type worse and use leet speak everywhere I still type roughly 45wpm. So I need to embrace the blog. And I likely need to buy a web cam at some point huh? Well, that might wait till after I move cause no one wants to see this house. lmao
Anyway, yeah, all that. Gotta go for now though, lots to do, lots to do!
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Saturday, May 5, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I'm a Light Bulb!
I just had the craziest, most unbelievable week ever. So many strange things, awkward things, great things, terrible things, another wild roller coaster. I won't recap all the details from Miami Beach Gay Pride Parade & Festival through hanging out, friends houses, awkward situations, new friends, strange messages, and culminating in me losing 5ish hours somewhere at the end of our weekly game night. Just far too much to get into specifics.
What matters? I had several personal breakthroughs. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, just my entire being has changed in the course of a week, yes... AGAIN! I know... My first analogy that's stuck with me is that I feel like a light bulb.
Physically, always the simplest to explain. Ever stopped one day and taken a good look at a pic of yourself and realized you're not seeing the same person you always have? Well that's what happened to me. I saw a picture of myself and was like whoa, I look like that? I guess just like all the other aspects of my life I've been down on myself physically for a long time, if not always. And it finally hit me, I'm almost 40, middle-aged, and I look DAMN good! For real though! Why didn't I get the memo on this??? rofl
Mentally, several things led me to realize I've been thinking about stuff too much. That I keep getting all wrapped up in my head making up "what ifs" and "I shouldn'ts" based on nothing but crap I was making up in my head, not actual facts or anything. And I've discovered how much better it can be sometimes to not think and just do.
Emotionally, have come to understand how I "really" feel about a LOT of things. And more importantly, discovered that I'm OK with that. Once I got over the mental part it was easy to follow my emotions again and just say and do what feels right without worrying about whether it's logically right or makes sense. When I started trying to rationalize everything instead of following my heart, instinct and feelings is beyond me. Everything I've seen, done and been through I of all people should know how irrational the universe is.
Spiritually, this is a big one. I don't want to get into details. But I had a monumental, amazing, spiritual thing happen. With the help of some friends a huge block was lifted and I let go of a lot of baggage I had buried for so long it got to the point of not even consciously acknowledging it anymore. Strongest my faith has ever been, so many things I've always felt or believed feel somehow validated now.
End result:
I feel... like a light bulb.
I feel radiant and bright.
I shine bright even when surrounded by darkness.
I'm solid yet fragile.
I'm needed and loved.
I brighten the world around me the best I can.
I shine light on those near me.
I'm warm and comforting.
Sometimes I'm just really hot.
Easily turned on.
Easily turned off. lol
People are strangely drawn to me.
And one day I'll burn out.
Yeah, I just thought that up. And yes, I feel like I'm on an ego trip at times lately. But, ya know what? I've been down on myself for a long, long time. And I'm feeling really good about, well, everything right now. And I've decided to just not fight myself with logic anymore and just do, be, feel, exist, and follow my heart wherever it leads me and not try to not think so damn much.
What matters? I had several personal breakthroughs. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, just my entire being has changed in the course of a week, yes... AGAIN! I know... My first analogy that's stuck with me is that I feel like a light bulb.
Physically, always the simplest to explain. Ever stopped one day and taken a good look at a pic of yourself and realized you're not seeing the same person you always have? Well that's what happened to me. I saw a picture of myself and was like whoa, I look like that? I guess just like all the other aspects of my life I've been down on myself physically for a long time, if not always. And it finally hit me, I'm almost 40, middle-aged, and I look DAMN good! For real though! Why didn't I get the memo on this??? rofl
Mentally, several things led me to realize I've been thinking about stuff too much. That I keep getting all wrapped up in my head making up "what ifs" and "I shouldn'ts" based on nothing but crap I was making up in my head, not actual facts or anything. And I've discovered how much better it can be sometimes to not think and just do.
Emotionally, have come to understand how I "really" feel about a LOT of things. And more importantly, discovered that I'm OK with that. Once I got over the mental part it was easy to follow my emotions again and just say and do what feels right without worrying about whether it's logically right or makes sense. When I started trying to rationalize everything instead of following my heart, instinct and feelings is beyond me. Everything I've seen, done and been through I of all people should know how irrational the universe is.
Spiritually, this is a big one. I don't want to get into details. But I had a monumental, amazing, spiritual thing happen. With the help of some friends a huge block was lifted and I let go of a lot of baggage I had buried for so long it got to the point of not even consciously acknowledging it anymore. Strongest my faith has ever been, so many things I've always felt or believed feel somehow validated now.
End result:
I feel... like a light bulb.
I feel radiant and bright.
I shine bright even when surrounded by darkness.
I'm solid yet fragile.
I'm needed and loved.
I brighten the world around me the best I can.
I shine light on those near me.
I'm warm and comforting.
Sometimes I'm just really hot.
Easily turned on.
Easily turned off. lol
People are strangely drawn to me.
And one day I'll burn out.
Yeah, I just thought that up. And yes, I feel like I'm on an ego trip at times lately. But, ya know what? I've been down on myself for a long, long time. And I'm feeling really good about, well, everything right now. And I've decided to just not fight myself with logic anymore and just do, be, feel, exist, and follow my heart wherever it leads me and not try to not think so damn much.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sometimes I Just Stop and Think... Maybe There Is No Spoon?
"There is no spoon..."
My life... Just wow. What to say, where to begin.
I've been through so much stuff in my life that I can't help but stop and think wow. I mean I could tell you stories, and usually do, about my past, places I've been, things I've seen and done. I can't even believe it. It seems like a dream. The memories so clear yet so... detached from who I am now. Sometimes I wonder, is this all a dream? We've all seen The Matrix, Inception, and so many others. Will I wake up? Would I want to? How could so many wild and diverse, amazing and terrifying, fun and painful experiences have possibly happened to me? I mean I'm no one special really. Sure you can say, "everyone's special". But honestly, I have what to show for any of it? Not meaning wealth, not meaning fame, not meaning anyone to leave anything behind to. But just basic things, like I don't even have many pics of my friends or my past other than the fading memories in my head. How do I know they really happened? At times I think maybe I am insane. I mean really insane. How would I know? Then a friend from the past comes along and reminds me of part of a story that I had forgotten. Or I share with them a past story and they remember it. And I feel somehow validated briefly. And then I realize how much I love my friends. And how without them I would be nothing. None of those stories or experiences would matter.
But, what if it's not real? What if none of it is real? I've been very sick throughout my life. I've had 13 operations. I've been code blue 3x... that I know of... What if? Could I be in a coma? Could all of the last year or two that has been so amazing and seems so different and detached from the rest of my life be a dream? There's no way to prove it and I hate not knowing!
Then I think back to those stories...
Giving my dad a black-eye with a rattle at age 4 or 5. Getting bit by the dog I loved because I startled it. Freaking out the first few days of kindergarten. Growing up backstage with my mom as she sang operas across South Florida. Having my maternal granddad make paper hats and watch Hee Haw with me while my mom flew off to sing elsewhere. Getting my first girl friend in kindergarten. Feeling so outcast through school. Living for my comic books (Avengers!) and my cartoons (Robotech!). Roleplaying with my friends (AD&D, Mechwarrior, Shadowrun). Playing Asteroids and Space Invaders with my mom at 4am on our Atari 2600. Trying to adjust my old Coleco crap to not flip with vertical and horizontal hold. Getting Super Mario Bros. on my NES. Gameboy. Drawing. Music. Singing in chorus. Waiting for endless hours as my maternal grandma had surgery and I spent 18 hours alone in a waiting room 5+ days a week for nearly a year. Watching my great grandma die. Spending time with my mom and my grandma at her house where she rented apartments and a car lot and a store. Traveling with my dad, aunt and paternal grandparents to Cozumel, Aruba, Columbia, Panama, Cancun, Jamaica, Bahamas, Keys, San Blas, so many other places. Traveling with my mom and either my dad or one of my mom's 2 boyfriends to every state east of the Mississippi River. Seeing the Empire State Building, DC, Niagra Falls, Dollywood, Disney World, EPCOT, Six Flags over Georgia, Nashville, Graceland, Smithsonian, Maggie Valley, Smoky Mountains, so many other places.
Then hitting puberty and having my whole world turn upside down. Rebelling insanely. My first job. Stealing my first pack of cigs. Getting drunk, a LOT. Hardly ever showing up for school. Still got straight A+ in math, A in science, A in computers, and failed pretty much everything else. Doing acid well over 100 times. Losing control of everything. Being engaged. Graduating high school, barely, with a final report card showing AFAFAFA they let me graduate by promising I'd go to college. Went to college, just long enough to cancel classes and get the money back to use for drugs. Concerts, clubs, chaos. Moving out to live with my best friend, my fiance (don't assume that word means a guy...), his girlfriend and their kid (bad idea). First boyfriend. Living in a trailer through hurricane Andrew, the one that leveled the South East U.S. Being diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Staying out for days at a time. Sleeping in the rain in the park. Moving back home to my mom's. Having fights with my mom and her ex boyfriend. Getting into 120 mph car chases with my mom and her boyfriend waving guns out the window and my friends ducking on the floor while we jumped the median (air time). Starting to steal and getting way too far into drugs. Second engagement epic fail (took 15 years to get over this one). Health deteriorating. Chaos continues. Worked as cashier, cook, assistant manager, wholesale perfume, retail, sanitation, city hall, drug dealer. Started smoking crack. Started stealing for crack. Had sex for crack. 18 months high ($500-$1k/day habit). Quit everything cold turkey one day no help just like that. Cut ties with all friends.
Joined Starfleet, the International Star Trek Fan Association. Joined the U.S.S. Triumph. Became Chief Science officer an rose to rank of Lt. Commander. Started the Teirysas South Florida Chapter of the Bajoran Alliance. Started doing conventions like crazy. Got back in touch with the geek gamer side of myself. Went overboard. Started playing Magic the Gathering. It took over from the Trek stuff. Then started playing EverQuest which took over all my time from everything else. Played non stop for years, literally. And am in fact still playing 13 years later. Started getting super sick. Ended up in the hospital a lot. Couldn't get disability. Lost my last job. Stopped hanging out. Stopped talking to everyone. Hid in my house for nearly 10 years. Only leaving to go to a doctor or hospital or on rare occasion to my dad's. Slowly lost friends till there were only 4 left. And I only saw them if they visited me in the hospital. Had my first surgery. Ended up with an colostomy bag for 2.5 years. Refused to go out in public after a humiliating incident I will never forget. Finally got disability. Had colostomy reversed. Had more surgeries. 13 operations and 3 code blues later. No large intestine anymore, less than all of the small intestine. No bellybutton anymore either for that matter. Scars everywhere. Had a second colostomy for 6 months. Had a wound vac for 3 months. Had IV feeding (nothing to eat or drink by mouth at all) for 6 months. Ended up with TMJ, OCD, Osteoarthritis, Uveitis, Tinnitus, Audio Processing Disorder, Low Bone Density, bad lower back, insomnia, chronic fatigue, anxiety, mood swings, failing eyesight, and more. Many meds later, nothing worked. No approved or experimental meds were working at all. Then, by accident in Feb. 2010 I ended up on 2 meds that hadn't worked separately but apparently work together. And though not in remission my Crohn's became stable getting no better or worse.
A full year passed, feeling better but having no life left except my online games and my 4 friends (Norma, Jeff, Pat, and George). No money, disabled, living with my mom, crappy car, and not a lot of hope.
Then, one day, in early 2011, my best friend Norma calls me to tell me she ran into an old friend that knows someone else that's a therapist and takes my insurance and such. So I was like, ok, cool. That therapist introduced me to three people that day. A doctor, an activist and an educator. Those three people led me to the TRUE Group, the Yes Institute and other doctors. In the middle of this several of my old friends, long forgotten, some for 10 years, some for nearly 20, started to slowly return into my life. Those few really good friends from my past who meant so much to me. The ones that made it through the sex, drugs and rock and roll years like myself. All popping back into my life out of the blue. Even my dad and I became closer than we ever have. And he gave me his old car! And in a mad crazy snowball effect I can't even explain the last year has been EPIC. Legendary, brilliant, fantastic, and amazing.
And so here I am now, 2012, only 1 year later. And I'm not the same person I was. All of that I typed above is like a fading distant memory. I don't feel like I did a year ago, about anything. Even my tastes in food, clothes, and everything else changed. My goals are changed, well, actually I have goals now and never even had any before so not sure if that's what one might call "changed". I have PURPOSE! I have IDENTITY! I have an intense sense of PRIDE! And I'm HAPPY! Crazy uncontrollably happy! Like I've never been before or even believed was possible without lots of illegal substances. I've easily got over 50 friends at least half of which I talk to regularly and the number is growing rapidly. I've been taking classes because I actually want to learn stuff. I'm speaking, in front of people, about my life. And trying to educate others on the topics of gender and orientation. I seem to be busy all day every day. I have more things to do than I have time for. Friends, heck even strangers, keep telling me I'm motivational, inspirational, beautiful and they love me. I've NEVER had anything like this happen before, it's overwhelming, it's intoxicating, it's more than words can explain. All my life I've felt like such a wreck and disappointment to myself, my friends and family. I've done so much wrong I felt like there was no hope for so very long. I felt so old, like it was too late, like it was all over. And now I feel like I've just started. People are seeing me and treating me differently than I have ever been treated before and I can't get enough of it. I love my friends and family so much right now for being there for me through all this that I feel the love and emotion bursting from me like a physical tangible force emanating from me like light from a bulb. As I sit here crying with joy as I type this. There's no way I can ever repay them for, thank them for, or even explain to them, how much they have done for me to get me where I am right now. I feel... lighter, physically lighter. Like gravity doesn't feel like it's having the same effect on me it use to.
And so I lay here typing this unbelievably long post. Crying like a baby again cause I seem to do that a lot these days. Wondering, how can this be? How can things really be so great right now despite having no money, barely scraping by day-to-day not even knowing how I will afford gas, food, or how my mom and I can possibly afford bills that are greater than our combined income. So how can things be so great? It all makes no sense logically.
So how can any of this really be happening? Am I going to wake up? I've never been one to have fear of anything. After all I've been through fear is irrelevant. But I'm scared that this is just too good to be true lately. Maybe it is a dream? Maybe I'm in a coma? I wish I could prove it, but nothing I do and nothing anyone else says or does can prove to me that this isn't all just a dream. Anymore than I can prove that my past actually happened to me when it all feels so very far away. If it's a dream I'm afraid to wake up because I've never been so happy or felt so good in my life. Even with all those drugs and things I've done. And I owe all of it to my friends and family... who may just be figments of my imagination... But I love them just the same, with all my heart, more than any of them will ever know.
I take the blue pill...
My life... Just wow. What to say, where to begin.
I've been through so much stuff in my life that I can't help but stop and think wow. I mean I could tell you stories, and usually do, about my past, places I've been, things I've seen and done. I can't even believe it. It seems like a dream. The memories so clear yet so... detached from who I am now. Sometimes I wonder, is this all a dream? We've all seen The Matrix, Inception, and so many others. Will I wake up? Would I want to? How could so many wild and diverse, amazing and terrifying, fun and painful experiences have possibly happened to me? I mean I'm no one special really. Sure you can say, "everyone's special". But honestly, I have what to show for any of it? Not meaning wealth, not meaning fame, not meaning anyone to leave anything behind to. But just basic things, like I don't even have many pics of my friends or my past other than the fading memories in my head. How do I know they really happened? At times I think maybe I am insane. I mean really insane. How would I know? Then a friend from the past comes along and reminds me of part of a story that I had forgotten. Or I share with them a past story and they remember it. And I feel somehow validated briefly. And then I realize how much I love my friends. And how without them I would be nothing. None of those stories or experiences would matter.
But, what if it's not real? What if none of it is real? I've been very sick throughout my life. I've had 13 operations. I've been code blue 3x... that I know of... What if? Could I be in a coma? Could all of the last year or two that has been so amazing and seems so different and detached from the rest of my life be a dream? There's no way to prove it and I hate not knowing!
Then I think back to those stories...
Giving my dad a black-eye with a rattle at age 4 or 5. Getting bit by the dog I loved because I startled it. Freaking out the first few days of kindergarten. Growing up backstage with my mom as she sang operas across South Florida. Having my maternal granddad make paper hats and watch Hee Haw with me while my mom flew off to sing elsewhere. Getting my first girl friend in kindergarten. Feeling so outcast through school. Living for my comic books (Avengers!) and my cartoons (Robotech!). Roleplaying with my friends (AD&D, Mechwarrior, Shadowrun). Playing Asteroids and Space Invaders with my mom at 4am on our Atari 2600. Trying to adjust my old Coleco crap to not flip with vertical and horizontal hold. Getting Super Mario Bros. on my NES. Gameboy. Drawing. Music. Singing in chorus. Waiting for endless hours as my maternal grandma had surgery and I spent 18 hours alone in a waiting room 5+ days a week for nearly a year. Watching my great grandma die. Spending time with my mom and my grandma at her house where she rented apartments and a car lot and a store. Traveling with my dad, aunt and paternal grandparents to Cozumel, Aruba, Columbia, Panama, Cancun, Jamaica, Bahamas, Keys, San Blas, so many other places. Traveling with my mom and either my dad or one of my mom's 2 boyfriends to every state east of the Mississippi River. Seeing the Empire State Building, DC, Niagra Falls, Dollywood, Disney World, EPCOT, Six Flags over Georgia, Nashville, Graceland, Smithsonian, Maggie Valley, Smoky Mountains, so many other places.
Then hitting puberty and having my whole world turn upside down. Rebelling insanely. My first job. Stealing my first pack of cigs. Getting drunk, a LOT. Hardly ever showing up for school. Still got straight A+ in math, A in science, A in computers, and failed pretty much everything else. Doing acid well over 100 times. Losing control of everything. Being engaged. Graduating high school, barely, with a final report card showing AFAFAFA they let me graduate by promising I'd go to college. Went to college, just long enough to cancel classes and get the money back to use for drugs. Concerts, clubs, chaos. Moving out to live with my best friend, my fiance (don't assume that word means a guy...), his girlfriend and their kid (bad idea). First boyfriend. Living in a trailer through hurricane Andrew, the one that leveled the South East U.S. Being diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Staying out for days at a time. Sleeping in the rain in the park. Moving back home to my mom's. Having fights with my mom and her ex boyfriend. Getting into 120 mph car chases with my mom and her boyfriend waving guns out the window and my friends ducking on the floor while we jumped the median (air time). Starting to steal and getting way too far into drugs. Second engagement epic fail (took 15 years to get over this one). Health deteriorating. Chaos continues. Worked as cashier, cook, assistant manager, wholesale perfume, retail, sanitation, city hall, drug dealer. Started smoking crack. Started stealing for crack. Had sex for crack. 18 months high ($500-$1k/day habit). Quit everything cold turkey one day no help just like that. Cut ties with all friends.
Joined Starfleet, the International Star Trek Fan Association. Joined the U.S.S. Triumph. Became Chief Science officer an rose to rank of Lt. Commander. Started the Teirysas South Florida Chapter of the Bajoran Alliance. Started doing conventions like crazy. Got back in touch with the geek gamer side of myself. Went overboard. Started playing Magic the Gathering. It took over from the Trek stuff. Then started playing EverQuest which took over all my time from everything else. Played non stop for years, literally. And am in fact still playing 13 years later. Started getting super sick. Ended up in the hospital a lot. Couldn't get disability. Lost my last job. Stopped hanging out. Stopped talking to everyone. Hid in my house for nearly 10 years. Only leaving to go to a doctor or hospital or on rare occasion to my dad's. Slowly lost friends till there were only 4 left. And I only saw them if they visited me in the hospital. Had my first surgery. Ended up with an colostomy bag for 2.5 years. Refused to go out in public after a humiliating incident I will never forget. Finally got disability. Had colostomy reversed. Had more surgeries. 13 operations and 3 code blues later. No large intestine anymore, less than all of the small intestine. No bellybutton anymore either for that matter. Scars everywhere. Had a second colostomy for 6 months. Had a wound vac for 3 months. Had IV feeding (nothing to eat or drink by mouth at all) for 6 months. Ended up with TMJ, OCD, Osteoarthritis, Uveitis, Tinnitus, Audio Processing Disorder, Low Bone Density, bad lower back, insomnia, chronic fatigue, anxiety, mood swings, failing eyesight, and more. Many meds later, nothing worked. No approved or experimental meds were working at all. Then, by accident in Feb. 2010 I ended up on 2 meds that hadn't worked separately but apparently work together. And though not in remission my Crohn's became stable getting no better or worse.
A full year passed, feeling better but having no life left except my online games and my 4 friends (Norma, Jeff, Pat, and George). No money, disabled, living with my mom, crappy car, and not a lot of hope.
Then, one day, in early 2011, my best friend Norma calls me to tell me she ran into an old friend that knows someone else that's a therapist and takes my insurance and such. So I was like, ok, cool. That therapist introduced me to three people that day. A doctor, an activist and an educator. Those three people led me to the TRUE Group, the Yes Institute and other doctors. In the middle of this several of my old friends, long forgotten, some for 10 years, some for nearly 20, started to slowly return into my life. Those few really good friends from my past who meant so much to me. The ones that made it through the sex, drugs and rock and roll years like myself. All popping back into my life out of the blue. Even my dad and I became closer than we ever have. And he gave me his old car! And in a mad crazy snowball effect I can't even explain the last year has been EPIC. Legendary, brilliant, fantastic, and amazing.
And so here I am now, 2012, only 1 year later. And I'm not the same person I was. All of that I typed above is like a fading distant memory. I don't feel like I did a year ago, about anything. Even my tastes in food, clothes, and everything else changed. My goals are changed, well, actually I have goals now and never even had any before so not sure if that's what one might call "changed". I have PURPOSE! I have IDENTITY! I have an intense sense of PRIDE! And I'm HAPPY! Crazy uncontrollably happy! Like I've never been before or even believed was possible without lots of illegal substances. I've easily got over 50 friends at least half of which I talk to regularly and the number is growing rapidly. I've been taking classes because I actually want to learn stuff. I'm speaking, in front of people, about my life. And trying to educate others on the topics of gender and orientation. I seem to be busy all day every day. I have more things to do than I have time for. Friends, heck even strangers, keep telling me I'm motivational, inspirational, beautiful and they love me. I've NEVER had anything like this happen before, it's overwhelming, it's intoxicating, it's more than words can explain. All my life I've felt like such a wreck and disappointment to myself, my friends and family. I've done so much wrong I felt like there was no hope for so very long. I felt so old, like it was too late, like it was all over. And now I feel like I've just started. People are seeing me and treating me differently than I have ever been treated before and I can't get enough of it. I love my friends and family so much right now for being there for me through all this that I feel the love and emotion bursting from me like a physical tangible force emanating from me like light from a bulb. As I sit here crying with joy as I type this. There's no way I can ever repay them for, thank them for, or even explain to them, how much they have done for me to get me where I am right now. I feel... lighter, physically lighter. Like gravity doesn't feel like it's having the same effect on me it use to.
And so I lay here typing this unbelievably long post. Crying like a baby again cause I seem to do that a lot these days. Wondering, how can this be? How can things really be so great right now despite having no money, barely scraping by day-to-day not even knowing how I will afford gas, food, or how my mom and I can possibly afford bills that are greater than our combined income. So how can things be so great? It all makes no sense logically.
So how can any of this really be happening? Am I going to wake up? I've never been one to have fear of anything. After all I've been through fear is irrelevant. But I'm scared that this is just too good to be true lately. Maybe it is a dream? Maybe I'm in a coma? I wish I could prove it, but nothing I do and nothing anyone else says or does can prove to me that this isn't all just a dream. Anymore than I can prove that my past actually happened to me when it all feels so very far away. If it's a dream I'm afraid to wake up because I've never been so happy or felt so good in my life. Even with all those drugs and things I've done. And I owe all of it to my friends and family... who may just be figments of my imagination... But I love them just the same, with all my heart, more than any of them will ever know.
I take the blue pill...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Sign This!
I don't usually post stuff like this on my blog but this is rubbish. Trump needs to go suck it. I'm so damn annoyed over the ignorance and discrimination involved in this decision. Please take the time to sign this and end the stupidity. She not only deserves to compete she deserves to win!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Pansexual
Many, many times I have been asked what my orientation is. Time and time again I get that question, "do you like men or women?" as if that's the only 2 choices in a close-minded binary world. Hating labels and not really having an appropriate term in our limited language, I would struggle to come up with an explanation that made sense. Often times I would start out saying "bisexual" then explain that that's not entirely correct because it brings us back to the binary lie when gender is a continuum and not binary. Saying bisexual would exclude all those intersex, two-spirited, transsexual, and 1000 other terms for people that fall into those beautiful levels of gray between the binary illusion of "male" and "female". More often then not I'd spend so long trying to explain it that I'd leave the person more confused than before they asked.
I've heard 100's of other terms for sexual orientations though over the last year. And again as much as I hate labels I had to wonder if one of them was more accurate than bisexual plus a 3 minute explanation of how it's wrong. Well last night one of my good friends and I were talking and the term "pansexual" came up. And I inquired what his definition of that term was. I really liked the answer.
So today, being the overly curious person that I am. I started looking things up online. First thing I did was search Wikipedia for the word pansexual. I mean really, don't all information searches start with either Wikipedia or Google? Anyhow, I was reading through the definition, which I have included at the bottom of this post. I got through the definition and etymology and was like hey, this is exactly what I am all summed up in one word. And so much easier to explain than what i was saying.
But then I thought to myself of all those other terms I heard and maybe there was a better one that would fit me in particular. Even though this one seemed 100% right on the mark. So I kept reading the pansexual entry at the bottom of the page under the title "In the media". The VERY FIRST LINE under that? A reference to Doctor Who and Torchwood! I'm like, "Ok Goddess, I get it. I see your signs. I'm pansexual, got ya, thanks." :)
Courtesy of Wikipedia:
Edited this to remove the term hermaphrodite as I've since learned that hermaphrodites don't really exist in humans. Still learning new stuff every day. lol
I've heard 100's of other terms for sexual orientations though over the last year. And again as much as I hate labels I had to wonder if one of them was more accurate than bisexual plus a 3 minute explanation of how it's wrong. Well last night one of my good friends and I were talking and the term "pansexual" came up. And I inquired what his definition of that term was. I really liked the answer.
So today, being the overly curious person that I am. I started looking things up online. First thing I did was search Wikipedia for the word pansexual. I mean really, don't all information searches start with either Wikipedia or Google? Anyhow, I was reading through the definition, which I have included at the bottom of this post. I got through the definition and etymology and was like hey, this is exactly what I am all summed up in one word. And so much easier to explain than what i was saying.
But then I thought to myself of all those other terms I heard and maybe there was a better one that would fit me in particular. Even though this one seemed 100% right on the mark. So I kept reading the pansexual entry at the bottom of the page under the title "In the media". The VERY FIRST LINE under that? A reference to Doctor Who and Torchwood! I'm like, "Ok Goddess, I get it. I see your signs. I'm pansexual, got ya, thanks." :)
Courtesy of Wikipedia:
Pansexuality, also referred to as omnisexuality, refers to the potential for sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward individuals of all gender identities, biological sexes, and multiple taxonomical species. Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others. The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality is defined as "not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity."
The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the gender binary, the "notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations", as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women. Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person's personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.
Etymology
The prefix pan- comes from an Ancient Greek term meaning "all" or "every". Omni- comes from a Latin term meaning "all". Poly- also comes from Ancient Greek and means "many" or "much." "Pansexual" is derived from the word "pansexualism," dated back to 1917, which is the view "that the sex instinct plays the primary part in all human activity, mental and physical". Credited to Sigmund Freud, it is a term of reproach leveled at early psychology, and is also defined as "the pervasion of all conduct and experience with sexual emotions".
The conceptualization of "pansexuality" as distinct from "pansexualism" contrasts with predominant prefixes attached to the -sexual and -gender roots. Traditional thought employs the prefixes hetero- (opposite), homo- (same), bi- (two) and trans- ('across'). A Transgender identity, opens up a gender continuum rather than a gender binary rubric but does not discard or disregard the idea of gender altogether.
Compared with bisexuality
A literal dictionary definition of bisexuality, due to the prefix bi-, is sexual or romantic attraction to two sexes (males and females), or to two genders (men and women). Pansexuality, however, composed with the prefix pan-, is the sexual attraction to people of all sexes or genders. Using these definitions, pansexuality is different in that it includes people who are intersex and/or fall outside the gender binary.
Bisexual-identified people may object to this distinction, arguing that since bisexual is not simply about attraction to two sexes and encompasses gender as well, it can include attraction to more than two genders, as "gender" is a more complex issue; for example, gender identities that are wholly similar to each other.
In the media
Writer Russell T Davies introduced Captain Jack Harkness, of British series' Doctor Who and Torchwood, with the intention of properly introducing bisexuality to the British public. However, the term "omnisexual" is also frequently used by cast and crew to describe the character; its use is intended to highlight that Jack does not discriminate between humans and aliens. Actor John Barrowman explains that in Torchwood's usage, it is an "in-universe" term; Jack represents in real-world terms the representative portrayal of a bisexual man in a lead role on television. "[He]’s bisexual, but in the realm of the show, we call him omnisexual, because on the show, [the characters] also have sex with aliens who take human form, and sex with male-male, women-women, all sorts of combinations."
Franky Fitzgerald, played by Dakota Blue Richards, is a pansexual and androgynous girl from the UK show Skins (TV series) season 5, and stated that she was "into people" when asked about her sexuality. Richards has denied rumours that her character is homosexual, and has said that Franky is an 'outsider', and that she doesn't want to be seen as male, female, gay or straight. Episode 7 of the series reveals her to be pansexual.
Lisbeth Salander, heroine of the popular The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, is identified as simply enjoying sex and not minding much with whom she is enjoying it.
Edited this to remove the term hermaphrodite as I've since learned that hermaphrodites don't really exist in humans. Still learning new stuff every day. lol
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
2011 - A Very Brief Recap (Well... Brief for Me...)
Well, it's already Feb. 1st, 2012. Since December I have been wanting to post some sort of year in review thing. However, 2011 was one of those years that was truly crazy. Some of the best and worst things ever. A lot of it is private, a lot of it I've forgotten. So here's a list of what I remember that I am able to talk about.
Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind are the extremes. Let's start with the good stuff for a change.
As for the best, this year began a whole new chapter of my life. New friends, new responsibilities, new things going on left and right. This year brought me closer to my dad then I've ever been while pushing me further away from my mom. It's brought me a variety of new groups of friends, and led me to be very in touch with myself and who I am. Have made dozens of friends some of which have become like family already. There were a couple days with events that I will never forget, that were beyond words and almost surreal in their perfection. The most fun days and/or nights ever. Supercon in July and the after party after Camelot days were 2 of those days you never forget and talk about forever.
Started taking these amazing classes at the Yes Institute. Too complicated to explain here, but life changing amazing classes on gender, orientation, communication and really just on humanity more than anything else.
2011 also brought me back to my beliefs which I've not put time into for over a decade really. This year saw me attending drumming circles and pagan rites again. I've gone back to meditating daily and generally feel more at peace.
I've also returned hard core to that one world I love so very much. Sci-Fi, Gaming, Fantasy, Comic, Role-Playing, etc. Not only did this year find me returning to the convention scene with Supercon (where I got my pic taken with TRON Bruce Boxleitner, as well as getting to see several other celebs). But I've fallen in love with Doctor Who more than any other show ever. Was both the black-suited Spider-Girl and a member of the Green Lantern Corps for Halloween. Started Star Wars The Old Republic MMORPG in December. New EverQuest expansion and new guild for me this year putting me back up at the top of the rankings for druids on my server. Starting up a DnD group now but it's origins lie in discussions from late 2011. And of course the masterpiece of technology itself the Nintendo 3DS, purchased mine 5 days after release, it's amazing! Got to see the 4th Pirates of the Caribbean movie days early with the press thanks to my friend Norma.
There was several interesting flashbacks to my past as well. Got back in touch with several friends I knew 20 years ago, Rodney, Marla, Val, Greg, Randy, and others. As well as talking to some old high school classmates and discussing a possible reunion in the near future. Nice having all my friends from almost every period and aspect of my life all back in my life in a positive way.
2011 brought my dad and I much closer together. We've been through a lot of crazy stuff this year. And I feel closer to that whole side of my family now. As for my mom, while the year has been shaky for us, she got back in touch with a couple old friends and relateives, some of which I have not seen since I was a child.
As for the neutral stuff. My medical condtions remain unchanged. After having a colonoscopy in December we discovered that I am not better. My Crohn's is not in remission, it just hasn't gotten worse, or better. My GI Doc did this procedure hoping, based on how I have been feeling the last 2 years, that he'd be able to lower my dosages of meds. After having done the procedure he said that if he could he's raise them. That was discouraging. So I'm remaining on the same dose of Humira and Methotrexate every week, sub-q injetions. Which is not a good combo as it seriously cripples my immune system amongst other things.
For the bad stuff. Well, the saddest would be the fact that I had pets die this year. Snuggles, big dog, half shepherd and half chow, don't ask heh. Was always an odd dog. She had distemper as a puppy, they told us it affected her mentally when we got her from human society. She grew up to have a variety of odd quirks including she would walk backwards sometimes and you'd see her licking the air all crazy, sometimes she'd do that Stevie Wonder thing with her head too. But she was a big lovable teddy bear. Within a month or two she developed some sort of mouth cancer, became unable to eat, unable to control going to the bathroom, and her mouth was literally decaying. We had to have her put to sleep. We had her about 12ish years I believe. I was barely over that when our cat Cloud died. He was a ragdoll cat, huge solid white and deaf as a stone. Massive cat weighed over 40 pounds had eyeballs the size of ping pong balls and a head bigger than a softball. He within a couple weeks dropped to under 10 pounds, then finally just laid down and gave out. We had him about 14 years. Both very sad, I still think about them all the time.
More material bad things, my mom had 2 blowouts and several times her car didn't start. We had several financial crisis where we couldn't pay bills and had to beg for help from my dad or the government or borrow money and stuff. Been the usual rough year of not being able to survive financially.
Had several issues with my mom that went on for weeks or months of misery every day all day. Things somewhat better now.
Probably the worst thing was my friend Rodney got in trouble again. Not getting into specifics but he got into some major trouble and the outcome is still not fully determined. He's one of five people I've ever considered a best friend (only 4 of which are even alive) and I hate to see anything happen to him.
And so there we are, 2011 is over. It was the best of times it was the worst of times. lol Im sure there's a ton of things I have forgotten or completely overlooked but these are the events that stuck with me. And while I could elaborate extensively on each thing, let's just say 2011 was one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Naturally, the first thing that comes to mind are the extremes. Let's start with the good stuff for a change.
As for the best, this year began a whole new chapter of my life. New friends, new responsibilities, new things going on left and right. This year brought me closer to my dad then I've ever been while pushing me further away from my mom. It's brought me a variety of new groups of friends, and led me to be very in touch with myself and who I am. Have made dozens of friends some of which have become like family already. There were a couple days with events that I will never forget, that were beyond words and almost surreal in their perfection. The most fun days and/or nights ever. Supercon in July and the after party after Camelot days were 2 of those days you never forget and talk about forever.
Started taking these amazing classes at the Yes Institute. Too complicated to explain here, but life changing amazing classes on gender, orientation, communication and really just on humanity more than anything else.
2011 also brought me back to my beliefs which I've not put time into for over a decade really. This year saw me attending drumming circles and pagan rites again. I've gone back to meditating daily and generally feel more at peace.
I've also returned hard core to that one world I love so very much. Sci-Fi, Gaming, Fantasy, Comic, Role-Playing, etc. Not only did this year find me returning to the convention scene with Supercon (where I got my pic taken with TRON Bruce Boxleitner, as well as getting to see several other celebs). But I've fallen in love with Doctor Who more than any other show ever. Was both the black-suited Spider-Girl and a member of the Green Lantern Corps for Halloween. Started Star Wars The Old Republic MMORPG in December. New EverQuest expansion and new guild for me this year putting me back up at the top of the rankings for druids on my server. Starting up a DnD group now but it's origins lie in discussions from late 2011. And of course the masterpiece of technology itself the Nintendo 3DS, purchased mine 5 days after release, it's amazing! Got to see the 4th Pirates of the Caribbean movie days early with the press thanks to my friend Norma.
There was several interesting flashbacks to my past as well. Got back in touch with several friends I knew 20 years ago, Rodney, Marla, Val, Greg, Randy, and others. As well as talking to some old high school classmates and discussing a possible reunion in the near future. Nice having all my friends from almost every period and aspect of my life all back in my life in a positive way.
2011 brought my dad and I much closer together. We've been through a lot of crazy stuff this year. And I feel closer to that whole side of my family now. As for my mom, while the year has been shaky for us, she got back in touch with a couple old friends and relateives, some of which I have not seen since I was a child.
As for the neutral stuff. My medical condtions remain unchanged. After having a colonoscopy in December we discovered that I am not better. My Crohn's is not in remission, it just hasn't gotten worse, or better. My GI Doc did this procedure hoping, based on how I have been feeling the last 2 years, that he'd be able to lower my dosages of meds. After having done the procedure he said that if he could he's raise them. That was discouraging. So I'm remaining on the same dose of Humira and Methotrexate every week, sub-q injetions. Which is not a good combo as it seriously cripples my immune system amongst other things.
For the bad stuff. Well, the saddest would be the fact that I had pets die this year. Snuggles, big dog, half shepherd and half chow, don't ask heh. Was always an odd dog. She had distemper as a puppy, they told us it affected her mentally when we got her from human society. She grew up to have a variety of odd quirks including she would walk backwards sometimes and you'd see her licking the air all crazy, sometimes she'd do that Stevie Wonder thing with her head too. But she was a big lovable teddy bear. Within a month or two she developed some sort of mouth cancer, became unable to eat, unable to control going to the bathroom, and her mouth was literally decaying. We had to have her put to sleep. We had her about 12ish years I believe. I was barely over that when our cat Cloud died. He was a ragdoll cat, huge solid white and deaf as a stone. Massive cat weighed over 40 pounds had eyeballs the size of ping pong balls and a head bigger than a softball. He within a couple weeks dropped to under 10 pounds, then finally just laid down and gave out. We had him about 14 years. Both very sad, I still think about them all the time.
More material bad things, my mom had 2 blowouts and several times her car didn't start. We had several financial crisis where we couldn't pay bills and had to beg for help from my dad or the government or borrow money and stuff. Been the usual rough year of not being able to survive financially.
Had several issues with my mom that went on for weeks or months of misery every day all day. Things somewhat better now.
Probably the worst thing was my friend Rodney got in trouble again. Not getting into specifics but he got into some major trouble and the outcome is still not fully determined. He's one of five people I've ever considered a best friend (only 4 of which are even alive) and I hate to see anything happen to him.
And so there we are, 2011 is over. It was the best of times it was the worst of times. lol Im sure there's a ton of things I have forgotten or completely overlooked but these are the events that stuck with me. And while I could elaborate extensively on each thing, let's just say 2011 was one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Feelings, Emotions, Explosions
Feelings, what do you do with them? Good, bad, or indifferent all are so powerful that anyone of them can become overwhelming. You want to vent, to bitch and complain, explode like a volcano. But what do you do?
Something good or bad happens and you bottle it up inside telling no one you eventually explode.
Something good happens. You can't stop yourself from talking about it. Some people find it interesting, most likely don't care, and a few are going to just be annoyed for one reason or another. But if you talk too much about how great this good thing was then all those people will think you only care about you or that you talk to much or any number of other negative things. So do you talk a little and keep some bottled up to just prolong your explosion?
Something bad happens. You can't stop yourself from talking about it. Some people try to help you, most likely don't care, and a few are going to just annoy you for one reason or another. And if you talk too much about how bad things are and all your problems then all those people will think you're a bitch and complain about everything and go on about any number of other negative things. So do you talk about some bad things and keep the rest bottled up to just prolong your explosion?
Inevitably when you share your feelings openly and freely, whether they're good or bad, most people end up disliking you for it, at least to a certain degree. And a very, VERY small few will actually like you for it without ever getting upset or annoyed by you.
But what does every single one of them say? Whether it's good or bad? Don't bottle up your emotions, it's not good to keep stuff inside, let it all out...
So what's that all about? Do people just subconsciously secretly want everyone around them to get on their nerves until they themselves explode in emotions causing themselves to get on everyone else's nerves?
Such a volatile situation. You keep your feelings bottled up you explode eventually. You let them out slowly everyone around you explodes instead. And those same people push and persuade you to share the emotions almost as if they want to piss themselves off.
So what do you do? What do you do???
* * * B A N G * * *
Something good or bad happens and you bottle it up inside telling no one you eventually explode.
Something good happens. You can't stop yourself from talking about it. Some people find it interesting, most likely don't care, and a few are going to just be annoyed for one reason or another. But if you talk too much about how great this good thing was then all those people will think you only care about you or that you talk to much or any number of other negative things. So do you talk a little and keep some bottled up to just prolong your explosion?
Something bad happens. You can't stop yourself from talking about it. Some people try to help you, most likely don't care, and a few are going to just annoy you for one reason or another. And if you talk too much about how bad things are and all your problems then all those people will think you're a bitch and complain about everything and go on about any number of other negative things. So do you talk about some bad things and keep the rest bottled up to just prolong your explosion?
Inevitably when you share your feelings openly and freely, whether they're good or bad, most people end up disliking you for it, at least to a certain degree. And a very, VERY small few will actually like you for it without ever getting upset or annoyed by you.
But what does every single one of them say? Whether it's good or bad? Don't bottle up your emotions, it's not good to keep stuff inside, let it all out...
So what's that all about? Do people just subconsciously secretly want everyone around them to get on their nerves until they themselves explode in emotions causing themselves to get on everyone else's nerves?
Such a volatile situation. You keep your feelings bottled up you explode eventually. You let them out slowly everyone around you explodes instead. And those same people push and persuade you to share the emotions almost as if they want to piss themselves off.
So what do you do? What do you do???
* * * B A N G * * *
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