Realized something else over the last week or two. This is how this entire thought process progressed.
I've been horribly obsessed with trying to find someone. This loneliness has been driving me mad. I've gone to clubs, I've joined 3 dating sites, I've tried flirting with and hitting on pretty much everyone and anyone that seemed even remotely interesting and not a total ass or stupid, will never be desperate enough to be ok being with someone that's stupid. But anyhow, I've tried everything I could think of. I keep getting advice to just chill, go out, have fun, do whatever I normally do and I'll find someone. To me that feels like giving up though.
A friend of mine suggested I wait until after my surgery when things were more settled down to worry about finding a relationship. And that's probably true, a lot of people don't want to get in a relationship and deal with all this immediately. I had hoped I'd be lucky enough to find that exception. But waiting also means being alone now. And right now it SUCKS. And I guess part of me was hoping to have someone that would go through this with me. I guess I had kinda wanted to be able to say I was with someone that wanted to be with me even before the operation. I know, that seems ridiculous really. I mean who cares right?
Then I got some more advice about enjoy what I have now while I have it. So I thought about that a lot. And I do have a lot right now. I have a ton of amazing friends. I have plenty of stuff to do. I feel like I'm giving back to the community and helping to educate others when I get to speak or anything along those lines. I have people that love me in various ways and at various levels. But then I keep thinking, I don't have someone for me though, ya know? And it's hard to focus on enjoying what I do have because my mind just wants to dwell on what I don't have.
My recent freak out over surgery though made me think about a lot of things differently. Including this whole "trying to find someone" thing. And what I have realized is I do need to wait until after surgery to try and find anything serious. Not because it will be easier, but because I have come to realize I am not currently emotionally stable enough for a relationship. If I were to find one I'm not sure I could handle anything going wrong or any of the problems that I know would likely arise. Just too many thoughts and worries of my own right now. And so on that note, I probably am better off just trying to enjoy what I have and not get into something I probably can't handle right now even though I want to.
And then I have to also consider that everything I have now may change at any time. There's no guarantee from minute to minute that things won't change. And who knows how things will change after my surgery. Who knows how I'll feel about anyone or anything. And dwelling on trying to find someone or what the future will be like only takes away from enjoying the happiness I have now while I have it. I have a lot of good things going for me right now. Friends, people I talk to every day, things I enjoy doing, places I enjoy being. I really need to enjoy now. I do have people that care and want to be with me, even if they're thousands of miles away or not wanting to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with them. I'm certainly not alone. I have an asston of friends, many of which are always wanting to hang out with me.
Now this in no way means I'm giving up. I'm certainly not deleting my dating site profiles or anything. I'm still going out places and looking. I guess what it boils down to is I don't care anymore. Right now I really can only focus on my upcoming surgery. It's hard to think about anyone or anything else right now. So just going to enjoy things as they are, focus on my surgery, and should something happen with someone along they way then yay, but I'm not putting forth the energy to worry about it anymore.
After my surgery, after I see how I feel about myself, about my life, the world. After I get through this and have nothing major to worry about anymore and after I'm sure everything is done and turned out ok. After all that when I don't feel like I have something I'm hiding from anyone I meet. Then, I'll see about putting forth more effort to find someone. But for now, just going to try and enjoy life.
And for any of the people I have been talking to or flirting with, don't think this means in any way that I don't still want to get to know you better and see what happens. I just can't take any of it seriously right now. I need to focus on myself first for the next 10ish months.
Another funny thing that I've realized is what it is I really want. It's not some relationship or someone to love or sex or any of the many things I thought it was. What I'm really looking for is just someone to hold me. As simple and silly as that sounds. I really just want to find someone that wants to hold me as much as I want to be held. That's it. Maybe I will find someone soon, maybe I won't. But at least I have a better grasp on what I want and where I'm at and what I can handle right now. So I guess that's a good thing right?
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Friday, July 27, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
So, I Freaked Out... About Surgery...
This bothered me so much when it happened I wasn't sure I wanted to share it with anyone. But I was so freaked I needed to talk to someone. So I called a very close and dear friend and told him. He seemed a little surprised but really had nothing useful to say (no offense). I decided to ask a close friend who's known me about 16 years. He said it seems normal to him. So I decided to ask someone else going through transition who's very outspoken and he also said it seemed normal to him. Here's what happened and what I make of it after some thought.
First off, I FREAKED. When I say freaked, you have NO idea. Near as I can figure I must've been half asleep. Because it's blurry in parts and it happened abruptly as if I woke up. What I know is I was thinking, dreaming, not sure which, about the actual day of surgery. I was imagining and visualizing all too well myself going in and getting the IV hooked up and heart monitors and those tight socks and hair net and all this. And just the thought of me about to go unconscious and wake up with different parts. I freaked. I was suddenly horrified. I mean I never felt such utter terror. So it's at this point I figure I fully woke up. Because I remember opening my eyes, having thought I was just laying there awake thinking, and I was suddenly faint, soaked in a cold, clammy sweat, and my heart was leaping out of my chest. I started thinking things like, "omg I can't go through this, I'm scared, what am I doing, what am I going to do, omg". This is when I started the above chain of talking to people.
My initial thought was that I was awake thinking, visualized it, got scared of losing parts and freaked and because I freaked I got scared and questioned my gender for the first time in 20+ years. But then I did talk to those people. And I did think about it. And I did go over it a thousand times in my head and I realized what's really going on. It's not gender related fear at all. I still want the surgery more than anything in the world and have no doubts or hesitations about that. The fear is just from "it" not being there. Yeah I want it gone, of course. But, it has been there 39+ years. The thought of it not being there makes me a bit faint. And I have been told a couple times that it's not really gone but turned inside out. And yes, it is still there technically but that's not how my brain is processing it. In my head I'm seeing it more as losing what i have and gaining something new. And while I can't wait and am so excited over the gaining something new that I should've always had. I am scared to lose something I've had so long.
This fear would be the same if it were a foot, a finger, an ear, whatever. Just the thought of part of my body no longer being there. Regardless of the awesome new parts. I think a lot of this comes from things I've seen on TV and movies. The stories you here about people losing body parts and what it feels like. Just freaks me out some. Well freaks me out a lot.
The other part of the fear comes from the fear that what I end up with might not work. I mean what I have has always worked really well. Well... up until last May/June. It's starting to shut down at this point. Hard to get it to function anymore. But the point is what if I can never enjoy sex again? I mean I know I'd enjoy it more with the "correct" parts. But just scared if they don't function. But I know this is an unfounded fear based on nothing whatsoever. I know several patients of Dr. Bowers and they're all super happy and all their parts work just fine. I've never seen or heard of a single person not being happy. I've heard of no real stories that would make me think anything other than it will be a great success.
Another thing that messed me up at first is the fact that I never expected to be nervous. I've had 13 operations because of my Crohn's Disease and the related complications. So what's one more? I've even said that many times to many people, speaking engagements, family, friends. I always figured, no big deal, why worry? I've wanted this for decades, I've had operations, I'm used to this. But I'm still scared.
In the end, what I've come to realize is basically I'm a dumbass. I don't know why I have to always think so much. That's what really happened. Whether I was awake, half asleep, whether it was a nightmare or just a really vivid mental image, don't know. Facts that remain is I still want the operation more than anything just like I always have. I'm still going to do it and no force on this planet will stop me. And yes, I'm scared to death. But, like I always say, "It is what it is." In the end I KNOW it will be fine and I will be happier than I've ever been or could ever imagine.
Moral of the story? Just fucking chill! lol
First off, I FREAKED. When I say freaked, you have NO idea. Near as I can figure I must've been half asleep. Because it's blurry in parts and it happened abruptly as if I woke up. What I know is I was thinking, dreaming, not sure which, about the actual day of surgery. I was imagining and visualizing all too well myself going in and getting the IV hooked up and heart monitors and those tight socks and hair net and all this. And just the thought of me about to go unconscious and wake up with different parts. I freaked. I was suddenly horrified. I mean I never felt such utter terror. So it's at this point I figure I fully woke up. Because I remember opening my eyes, having thought I was just laying there awake thinking, and I was suddenly faint, soaked in a cold, clammy sweat, and my heart was leaping out of my chest. I started thinking things like, "omg I can't go through this, I'm scared, what am I doing, what am I going to do, omg". This is when I started the above chain of talking to people.
My initial thought was that I was awake thinking, visualized it, got scared of losing parts and freaked and because I freaked I got scared and questioned my gender for the first time in 20+ years. But then I did talk to those people. And I did think about it. And I did go over it a thousand times in my head and I realized what's really going on. It's not gender related fear at all. I still want the surgery more than anything in the world and have no doubts or hesitations about that. The fear is just from "it" not being there. Yeah I want it gone, of course. But, it has been there 39+ years. The thought of it not being there makes me a bit faint. And I have been told a couple times that it's not really gone but turned inside out. And yes, it is still there technically but that's not how my brain is processing it. In my head I'm seeing it more as losing what i have and gaining something new. And while I can't wait and am so excited over the gaining something new that I should've always had. I am scared to lose something I've had so long.
This fear would be the same if it were a foot, a finger, an ear, whatever. Just the thought of part of my body no longer being there. Regardless of the awesome new parts. I think a lot of this comes from things I've seen on TV and movies. The stories you here about people losing body parts and what it feels like. Just freaks me out some. Well freaks me out a lot.
The other part of the fear comes from the fear that what I end up with might not work. I mean what I have has always worked really well. Well... up until last May/June. It's starting to shut down at this point. Hard to get it to function anymore. But the point is what if I can never enjoy sex again? I mean I know I'd enjoy it more with the "correct" parts. But just scared if they don't function. But I know this is an unfounded fear based on nothing whatsoever. I know several patients of Dr. Bowers and they're all super happy and all their parts work just fine. I've never seen or heard of a single person not being happy. I've heard of no real stories that would make me think anything other than it will be a great success.
Another thing that messed me up at first is the fact that I never expected to be nervous. I've had 13 operations because of my Crohn's Disease and the related complications. So what's one more? I've even said that many times to many people, speaking engagements, family, friends. I always figured, no big deal, why worry? I've wanted this for decades, I've had operations, I'm used to this. But I'm still scared.
In the end, what I've come to realize is basically I'm a dumbass. I don't know why I have to always think so much. That's what really happened. Whether I was awake, half asleep, whether it was a nightmare or just a really vivid mental image, don't know. Facts that remain is I still want the operation more than anything just like I always have. I'm still going to do it and no force on this planet will stop me. And yes, I'm scared to death. But, like I always say, "It is what it is." In the end I KNOW it will be fine and I will be happier than I've ever been or could ever imagine.
Moral of the story? Just fucking chill! lol
Saturday, July 21, 2012
The Truth Shall Set You Free - "About Me"
So, it's time to get a few things off my chest. It's not that I was ever keeping anything a secret. I just never felt it relevant to tell any of this to anyone that I wasn't planning to let see me naked for any reason (i.e. sex or doctor). Over time it's gotten to be more like I hope people who don't know already don't figure it out. Not that I cared, but was a bit scared to lose friends that I hadn't said anything to. But now, at this stage in my life, I have many things I want to say. Many things I want to blog about. And I can't without revealing a few truths about myself. So I'm going to call this post my "About Me" post and hopefully somehow link it to my "About Me" section directly for reference. This is far from being everything about me. This is really just everything about this part of me. So, here it is...
My name is Krysta. I am a pansexual, intersex, transwoman. What does that mean? Let's start at the beginning I guess. At birth, some doctor decided to stick me with the gender marker of male based on a visual examination of body parts and what he and society assume based on that.
Thinking back, my first memory of doing anything that would be considered outside the gender binary illusion would be dressing up as Wonder Woman at age 4 through 6 every day and spinning around till I got dizzy. I guess I figured if Linda Carter could spin around and turn into Wonder Woman then maybe if I dressed up as Wonder Woman and spun around I could become Linda Carter. I also had a little orphan Annie curly red wig I'd wear sometimes around the house for no real reason except I liked it.
Growing up I was never taught anything about gender or orientation. I had a girlfriend from kindergarten. And one right after the other girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, boyfriend... Yeah I didn't care. I liked who I liked and gender never meant anything to me. I was never taught about sex or anything by parents or teachers. I had no brothers or sisters and rarely saw my older cousins. My elementary school we had six kids in my class for sixth grade. Three presumably cisgendered boys, two presumably cisgendered girls, and myself. We don't really know if when they grew up they still identified as the gender they were assigned (cisgendered). I lost touch with all of them sadly. So at school there was no gender separation at that age for me. Was no boy group and girl group. There was all of us. There was we're playing football today that means all or no one. Same with everything. Gender was irrelevant in that situation.
Then I went to junior high and was immediately the outcast. I did not fit in in any way. I didn't act like any of the other "male" children. I didn't fit in with the girls either. I had a few friends that came from my elementary but we quickly grew apart. Who wants to hang with the outcast right? Luckily I was only there for two years before moving on.
Senior high, Christian school, oh god why. Puberty started, surprise, surprise, I'm intersex. I started developing breasts and male genitalia. I didn't know what was going on. I grew up loving sci-if, fantasy, comics, I had no knowledge of male or female or body parts. My first thought? I'm a mutant! I told no one. I hid it at all costs. Started wearing jackets 24/7 even in the 90+ degree South Florida weather. Got made fun of because of always wearing jackets. Had to hide and change during Phys. Ed. Scared to go swimming, what was always my favorite thing to do growing up, spent the next 25 years too scared to ever go again.
Around my junior year of high school I saw an episode of Jerry Springer. Yeah, I know, ugh. But it was the first time I had ever been exposed to the idea of transgender. I found myself immediately intrigued, I NEEDED to know more, wasn't even sure why at that point. Was blown away that such a thing was even possible. Went to the old North Miami public library and dug through the card catalog and some ancient books with my then girlfriend trying to find information. There was no internet yet, no easy way to find out anything. Came across the story of Christine Jorgensen. I was like omg, this is me! I was excited at first to finally have an explanation for what I'd always felt. Then I freaked. I was like oh no, what do I do? If this is me, no one will accept this, I can't do this, what am I going to do!
So I rebelled at first. Went the heavy metal route. I could have long hair, wear a biker jacket to cover over breasts, wear boots, tight jeans, and yet somehow be considered "male". I got bad into sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. I was doing anything and everything and I was excited about it and didn't care if I lived or died.
In 1991, June, I graduated high school (barely), turned 18, and was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Explaining the eating habits I had growing up with. It didn't bother me that much as long as I took my meds that first decade.
By 1992 I had done enough research and read enough to know that at some point in my life I wanted... No, NEEDED to have GRS. That I couldn't live my life as a lie forever. But I had no idea how I'd ever be able to do it.
Around 1994 I came out to my girlfriend at the time. She was very supportive. Which was actually bad at that point in my life. Because now I was not only very out of control I was able to be myself 100% and be even more out of control.
By late 1995 I had been engaged twice, done every drug known to man, and had a $500-$1000 a day crack habit. I was robbing and stealing from everyone. From work, from family, friends. I was having sex for crack. I would stay gone for days and days just smoking until I couldn't get any more. Then I'd go to work, steal $500+, fake being sick, leave early and continue my non stop smoking.
Then one day in 1997 something crazy happened. Something I still can't understand to this day. I woke up one day, after having smoked for weeks straight, and I had no money, no job anymore, no way to get money, nothing but physical pain. And I decided right then it was more than I could go through anymore. And I never did crack again. Quit all hardcore drugs cold turkey that day without help, just like that.
And so I went back to my first true love... Sci-if, comics, fantasy, gaming, anime. I joined a Star Trek fan club. No one is more accepting than Star Trek fans right? I started a small chapter of another Star Trek fan club. I started running tables at conventions, it became my life, obsessively. I came out to them very early on and was of course accepted without problems. But then some of us broke off from that and started doing other things and it slowly faded and died.
By 2000-2001 I was starting to get really sick from my Crohn's disease. I was in the hospital a lot. Long story short I ended up with what I was told at one point was the worst reported case of Crohn's. I have been on every FDA approved med, several experimental, and several that were VERY dangerous. I've had 13 operations, been code blue at least three times that I know of. I had an ostomy bag on the left side for 2.5 years and on the right for 6 months. A wound vac for 3 months. IV feeding nothing by mouth for 6 months. Have had all of my colon removed and some of my small intestine removed. Have had anal fistulas, abscesses, and a half dozen or more side effects from Crohn's and the meds for it.
Through that 10 years of practically living in the hospital it was always in my charts I was trans. Not once did anyone ever refer to me by my preferred name or pronoun. Every doctor, surgeon, nurse I had told me I can't go through transition, I'm too sick, it's not worth it, my health is more important. They'd ask me if I wanted to see a hospital therapist and they'd tell me the same thing. I can't do it, not worth the risk, not THAT important...
I became so depressed I stopped going out except to go to the doctor or hospital. I became a hermit basically. I did nothing but play online games where I could hide out and be who I always truly was without having to deal with anything. I was down to four friends who I only ever saw if they visited me in the hospital. And three of them were mad at me because I never wanted to hang out.
Then by dumb luck, in early 2010, when I was bouncing from hospital to hospital, I ended up on two medications at the same time. By accident. Neither of which had worked on their own when I had tried them. But together, it stopped my symptoms for the most part. I started feeling better. And in fact an entire year went by, sitting at home, feeling better, but not myself still. I knew I needed to begin my transition no matter what anyone said. But I had no idea where to even begin. I had no money to pay a therapist or doctor. Medicare and Medicaid certainly don't cover any of this. I couldn't find anyone online.
Then one day my then best friend ran into someone she hadn't seen in 20 years. That person, now a therapist, gave her the name of someone for me. That therapist was trans educated AND took Medicare. On my first visit after hearing my story she referred me to my first endocrinologist, my support group; the TRUE Group, and the Yes Institute. I got in to see that endo almost immediately and she began my HRT without even having received a letter from my therapist yet. It was quite clear to everyone I was talking to that I am definitely female.
So then the last hurdle came. My parents. My mom had found out some 17 years ago in the early '90s when I got caught by someone and word got back to her. She was very supportive most of the time. We went shopping and did our hair together and all that mother daughter type stuff. But my dad, he never knew. He was the only person that didn't know. I was living female 99% of the time for so long. But had to hide when going to see him. Made me hate going to see him. I was scared. Would he take back his car he lets me use? Would he disown me? Write me out of his will? Physically hurt me? I had no idea what to believe. He certainly never showed any signs of being the type of person that would be supportive. He was always so racist, sexist, hates everyone that isn't him. But I had to risk everything. I had to be me. So, scared to death, I told him on the phone. He freaked a bit, cried a lot, said he kinda knew, but he didn't understand. I brought him to my support group, and he learned. He went to the Yes Institute and he learned more. Today he's my biggest supporter. He helps pay for my laser hair removal, doctors, and any medical when necessary. We flew out to California to meet Dr. Marci Bowers for a consultation for surgery and she said she could do it even with my medical issues. My dad is going to be paying for that too because he gets it. I don't know how or why but he does and he knows how much I need to do this. My mom on the other hand, considerably less supportive since I began my medical transition. But she's coming around again, I think.
As for my health? My gastroenterologist whom I've had for roughly 15 or more years, who has saved my life several times over, says this is the healthiest he's ever seen me. My primary care doctor I've had for a dozen or more years says if he didn't know how sick I was he'd think I was extremely healthy based on my perfect blood work. Irony here is... The number one cause for Crohn's Disease flare up is stress. It's what triggered most if not all of my flare ups. Had I begun my transition a decade ago who knows how much healthier I would've and could've been overall. All those times I was told it didn't matter, my health was more important, and it was hurting my health all along.
My surgery is set up for about 10 months from now. Life has been amazing. I now write, run and maintain my support group's website. I am a volunteer speaker on the topics of gender and orientation for the Yes Institute. I've been filmed for two documentaries on gender. I embrace the LGBTQ community whole-heartedly and feel they do the same for me. I've made amazing new friends and been through so much in the last year I can't even believe it. I've grown to love who I am, mentally, emotionally, physically. And more so every day the closer I get to surgery. And I am proud to say I'm a pansexual, intersex, transwoman. :-)
My name is Krysta. I am a pansexual, intersex, transwoman. What does that mean? Let's start at the beginning I guess. At birth, some doctor decided to stick me with the gender marker of male based on a visual examination of body parts and what he and society assume based on that.
Thinking back, my first memory of doing anything that would be considered outside the gender binary illusion would be dressing up as Wonder Woman at age 4 through 6 every day and spinning around till I got dizzy. I guess I figured if Linda Carter could spin around and turn into Wonder Woman then maybe if I dressed up as Wonder Woman and spun around I could become Linda Carter. I also had a little orphan Annie curly red wig I'd wear sometimes around the house for no real reason except I liked it.
Growing up I was never taught anything about gender or orientation. I had a girlfriend from kindergarten. And one right after the other girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, boyfriend... Yeah I didn't care. I liked who I liked and gender never meant anything to me. I was never taught about sex or anything by parents or teachers. I had no brothers or sisters and rarely saw my older cousins. My elementary school we had six kids in my class for sixth grade. Three presumably cisgendered boys, two presumably cisgendered girls, and myself. We don't really know if when they grew up they still identified as the gender they were assigned (cisgendered). I lost touch with all of them sadly. So at school there was no gender separation at that age for me. Was no boy group and girl group. There was all of us. There was we're playing football today that means all or no one. Same with everything. Gender was irrelevant in that situation.
Then I went to junior high and was immediately the outcast. I did not fit in in any way. I didn't act like any of the other "male" children. I didn't fit in with the girls either. I had a few friends that came from my elementary but we quickly grew apart. Who wants to hang with the outcast right? Luckily I was only there for two years before moving on.
Senior high, Christian school, oh god why. Puberty started, surprise, surprise, I'm intersex. I started developing breasts and male genitalia. I didn't know what was going on. I grew up loving sci-if, fantasy, comics, I had no knowledge of male or female or body parts. My first thought? I'm a mutant! I told no one. I hid it at all costs. Started wearing jackets 24/7 even in the 90+ degree South Florida weather. Got made fun of because of always wearing jackets. Had to hide and change during Phys. Ed. Scared to go swimming, what was always my favorite thing to do growing up, spent the next 25 years too scared to ever go again.
Around my junior year of high school I saw an episode of Jerry Springer. Yeah, I know, ugh. But it was the first time I had ever been exposed to the idea of transgender. I found myself immediately intrigued, I NEEDED to know more, wasn't even sure why at that point. Was blown away that such a thing was even possible. Went to the old North Miami public library and dug through the card catalog and some ancient books with my then girlfriend trying to find information. There was no internet yet, no easy way to find out anything. Came across the story of Christine Jorgensen. I was like omg, this is me! I was excited at first to finally have an explanation for what I'd always felt. Then I freaked. I was like oh no, what do I do? If this is me, no one will accept this, I can't do this, what am I going to do!
So I rebelled at first. Went the heavy metal route. I could have long hair, wear a biker jacket to cover over breasts, wear boots, tight jeans, and yet somehow be considered "male". I got bad into sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. I was doing anything and everything and I was excited about it and didn't care if I lived or died.
In 1991, June, I graduated high school (barely), turned 18, and was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Explaining the eating habits I had growing up with. It didn't bother me that much as long as I took my meds that first decade.
By 1992 I had done enough research and read enough to know that at some point in my life I wanted... No, NEEDED to have GRS. That I couldn't live my life as a lie forever. But I had no idea how I'd ever be able to do it.
Around 1994 I came out to my girlfriend at the time. She was very supportive. Which was actually bad at that point in my life. Because now I was not only very out of control I was able to be myself 100% and be even more out of control.
By late 1995 I had been engaged twice, done every drug known to man, and had a $500-$1000 a day crack habit. I was robbing and stealing from everyone. From work, from family, friends. I was having sex for crack. I would stay gone for days and days just smoking until I couldn't get any more. Then I'd go to work, steal $500+, fake being sick, leave early and continue my non stop smoking.
Then one day in 1997 something crazy happened. Something I still can't understand to this day. I woke up one day, after having smoked for weeks straight, and I had no money, no job anymore, no way to get money, nothing but physical pain. And I decided right then it was more than I could go through anymore. And I never did crack again. Quit all hardcore drugs cold turkey that day without help, just like that.
And so I went back to my first true love... Sci-if, comics, fantasy, gaming, anime. I joined a Star Trek fan club. No one is more accepting than Star Trek fans right? I started a small chapter of another Star Trek fan club. I started running tables at conventions, it became my life, obsessively. I came out to them very early on and was of course accepted without problems. But then some of us broke off from that and started doing other things and it slowly faded and died.
By 2000-2001 I was starting to get really sick from my Crohn's disease. I was in the hospital a lot. Long story short I ended up with what I was told at one point was the worst reported case of Crohn's. I have been on every FDA approved med, several experimental, and several that were VERY dangerous. I've had 13 operations, been code blue at least three times that I know of. I had an ostomy bag on the left side for 2.5 years and on the right for 6 months. A wound vac for 3 months. IV feeding nothing by mouth for 6 months. Have had all of my colon removed and some of my small intestine removed. Have had anal fistulas, abscesses, and a half dozen or more side effects from Crohn's and the meds for it.
Through that 10 years of practically living in the hospital it was always in my charts I was trans. Not once did anyone ever refer to me by my preferred name or pronoun. Every doctor, surgeon, nurse I had told me I can't go through transition, I'm too sick, it's not worth it, my health is more important. They'd ask me if I wanted to see a hospital therapist and they'd tell me the same thing. I can't do it, not worth the risk, not THAT important...
I became so depressed I stopped going out except to go to the doctor or hospital. I became a hermit basically. I did nothing but play online games where I could hide out and be who I always truly was without having to deal with anything. I was down to four friends who I only ever saw if they visited me in the hospital. And three of them were mad at me because I never wanted to hang out.
Then by dumb luck, in early 2010, when I was bouncing from hospital to hospital, I ended up on two medications at the same time. By accident. Neither of which had worked on their own when I had tried them. But together, it stopped my symptoms for the most part. I started feeling better. And in fact an entire year went by, sitting at home, feeling better, but not myself still. I knew I needed to begin my transition no matter what anyone said. But I had no idea where to even begin. I had no money to pay a therapist or doctor. Medicare and Medicaid certainly don't cover any of this. I couldn't find anyone online.
Then one day my then best friend ran into someone she hadn't seen in 20 years. That person, now a therapist, gave her the name of someone for me. That therapist was trans educated AND took Medicare. On my first visit after hearing my story she referred me to my first endocrinologist, my support group; the TRUE Group, and the Yes Institute. I got in to see that endo almost immediately and she began my HRT without even having received a letter from my therapist yet. It was quite clear to everyone I was talking to that I am definitely female.
So then the last hurdle came. My parents. My mom had found out some 17 years ago in the early '90s when I got caught by someone and word got back to her. She was very supportive most of the time. We went shopping and did our hair together and all that mother daughter type stuff. But my dad, he never knew. He was the only person that didn't know. I was living female 99% of the time for so long. But had to hide when going to see him. Made me hate going to see him. I was scared. Would he take back his car he lets me use? Would he disown me? Write me out of his will? Physically hurt me? I had no idea what to believe. He certainly never showed any signs of being the type of person that would be supportive. He was always so racist, sexist, hates everyone that isn't him. But I had to risk everything. I had to be me. So, scared to death, I told him on the phone. He freaked a bit, cried a lot, said he kinda knew, but he didn't understand. I brought him to my support group, and he learned. He went to the Yes Institute and he learned more. Today he's my biggest supporter. He helps pay for my laser hair removal, doctors, and any medical when necessary. We flew out to California to meet Dr. Marci Bowers for a consultation for surgery and she said she could do it even with my medical issues. My dad is going to be paying for that too because he gets it. I don't know how or why but he does and he knows how much I need to do this. My mom on the other hand, considerably less supportive since I began my medical transition. But she's coming around again, I think.
As for my health? My gastroenterologist whom I've had for roughly 15 or more years, who has saved my life several times over, says this is the healthiest he's ever seen me. My primary care doctor I've had for a dozen or more years says if he didn't know how sick I was he'd think I was extremely healthy based on my perfect blood work. Irony here is... The number one cause for Crohn's Disease flare up is stress. It's what triggered most if not all of my flare ups. Had I begun my transition a decade ago who knows how much healthier I would've and could've been overall. All those times I was told it didn't matter, my health was more important, and it was hurting my health all along.
My surgery is set up for about 10 months from now. Life has been amazing. I now write, run and maintain my support group's website. I am a volunteer speaker on the topics of gender and orientation for the Yes Institute. I've been filmed for two documentaries on gender. I embrace the LGBTQ community whole-heartedly and feel they do the same for me. I've made amazing new friends and been through so much in the last year I can't even believe it. I've grown to love who I am, mentally, emotionally, physically. And more so every day the closer I get to surgery. And I am proud to say I'm a pansexual, intersex, transwoman. :-)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Hurting SO Much, So VERY Much
I NEED to say something, but I don't know how. I don't know that I can, if I can, or how or what to say. So many things have happened in such a short period of time. I've been back-stabbed repeatedly, had my heart broken, patched, broken, patched, broken, crushed, demolished, and obliterated. At this point I'm pushing past the pain and sadness and heartache and starting to feel nothing but bitterness and anger, and I can feel that shell crusting over my heart again. I gave so much to so many. To friends, to groups, to the community, to those I love. And all I've gotten was pain. Yeah, there were a few fun times along the way but that just makes everything hurt that much more. I feel like I've lost so much right now. I've compromised my very being, everything I am has been compromised. I know it sounds cryptic, but I can't even share my problems, I can't even vent. Too many lies, too many secrets, too many confidences I can't break. So many involved think it's just one issue. But the truth is there's many issues. There's more lies and deception than most of the people involved realize. I'm not sure who knows what at this point or what to do about any of it. Right now though, I've lost a brother, I've lost friends, I've lost those I truly love. Not even sure the extent of everything or the end result of all that's happened yet. I know most around me think I'm pathetic, a joke, weak, desperate, confused, etc. Truth be told, I'm pretty clear on the whole situation right now. Masks have been removed and I see everyone for who and what they are. I'm devastated by all of it.
And I can't even get help. I call one therapist, that's supposed to specialize in this and works with my other doctors, but they don't take my insurance. I called Sunserve got transfered 3x then put on hold, AFTER having told the first 2 people that I was in crisis and needed a therapist. And no one has called back, over 3 hours now. I called my insurance, the behaviour health portion, and they could not find a therapist on the plan that specialized in the topics I need within 50 miles. Based on that they were willing to work outside the box and make an exception and call the first therapist, Dr. Alvarez, and work with her. I called her office back to tell them this and they said no, they can't and/or won't do that. I told them I'm in crisis and I can't find anyone else, please help, and again was told sorry, either I"d have to be a cash patient (which I clearly can't) or else find someone else or go to the ER. I'm like fuck you, I can't go to the ER with mental health issues, they'll lock me up and make me want to kill myself instead of helping. I've gone through 2 local resource lists and called every therapist and either they don't take insurance, don't take mine, can't help for one reason or another. And the ONE therapist I could talk to I can't because she's directly involved in the situation and I apparently already told her more than I should have at this point.
What gets me is that I call these places, clearly distraught, clearly in tears, clearly hurting, and these places and people that are supposed to be there to help people like me in these situations just shoot me down and toss me aside. I understand now why the suicide rate is so high around people with gender and orientation issues. This is an outrage. And now thanks to the insurance and other things I've gone from hurting, to just anger, rage, and frustration. They not only didn't help but they've made me worse! FUCK THERAPISTS, FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL!!! THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES THAT CARE ONLY ABOUT THEIR BANKROLL AND NOT THOSE IN NEED. FUCK THEM ALL THEY CAN ALL BURN IN HELL!!! IT'S THEIR FAULT PEOPLE LIKE ME SPIN OUT OF CONROL, CAUSE THERE'S NO HELP AVAILABLE WHEN IT'S REALLY NEEDED. I was right originally when I said I don't need a damn therapist. This is why I've gone without one for the last several months since I left my last therapist that never listened to a thing I said and only cared if my insurance was still paying or not. I'm done, I need no one. I'm not going to let the search for a god damn therapist bring me more grief and aggravation than I already have.
I'm going to meditate, I'm going outside somewhere in nature, I'll let the Earth take my pain, and the Wind guide my heart. The Goddess is the only therapist I need. Nature understands and listens, and doesn't give a fuck about what insurance I have!
And I can't even get help. I call one therapist, that's supposed to specialize in this and works with my other doctors, but they don't take my insurance. I called Sunserve got transfered 3x then put on hold, AFTER having told the first 2 people that I was in crisis and needed a therapist. And no one has called back, over 3 hours now. I called my insurance, the behaviour health portion, and they could not find a therapist on the plan that specialized in the topics I need within 50 miles. Based on that they were willing to work outside the box and make an exception and call the first therapist, Dr. Alvarez, and work with her. I called her office back to tell them this and they said no, they can't and/or won't do that. I told them I'm in crisis and I can't find anyone else, please help, and again was told sorry, either I"d have to be a cash patient (which I clearly can't) or else find someone else or go to the ER. I'm like fuck you, I can't go to the ER with mental health issues, they'll lock me up and make me want to kill myself instead of helping. I've gone through 2 local resource lists and called every therapist and either they don't take insurance, don't take mine, can't help for one reason or another. And the ONE therapist I could talk to I can't because she's directly involved in the situation and I apparently already told her more than I should have at this point.
What gets me is that I call these places, clearly distraught, clearly in tears, clearly hurting, and these places and people that are supposed to be there to help people like me in these situations just shoot me down and toss me aside. I understand now why the suicide rate is so high around people with gender and orientation issues. This is an outrage. And now thanks to the insurance and other things I've gone from hurting, to just anger, rage, and frustration. They not only didn't help but they've made me worse! FUCK THERAPISTS, FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL!!! THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES THAT CARE ONLY ABOUT THEIR BANKROLL AND NOT THOSE IN NEED. FUCK THEM ALL THEY CAN ALL BURN IN HELL!!! IT'S THEIR FAULT PEOPLE LIKE ME SPIN OUT OF CONROL, CAUSE THERE'S NO HELP AVAILABLE WHEN IT'S REALLY NEEDED. I was right originally when I said I don't need a damn therapist. This is why I've gone without one for the last several months since I left my last therapist that never listened to a thing I said and only cared if my insurance was still paying or not. I'm done, I need no one. I'm not going to let the search for a god damn therapist bring me more grief and aggravation than I already have.
I'm going to meditate, I'm going outside somewhere in nature, I'll let the Earth take my pain, and the Wind guide my heart. The Goddess is the only therapist I need. Nature understands and listens, and doesn't give a fuck about what insurance I have!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Blog, Yeah, Right, Knew That... (a.k.a. Still Alone)
So I'm supposed to be blogging about things now. And yet I'm still slacking. I know I've meant to! And most of the long important posts have still ended up on facebook instead. Let's see, hmmmm....
Well, I'm still single, there's that. Funny how for over a decade I was so sure I was happy alone and destined to be the crazy old cat lady. I guess I was pretty much asexual for awhile there. Which, for anyone that "really" knows me from my past, well, yeah... Then a few months back I realized how much I absolutely HATE being alone. And part of me wishes I hadn't ever realized that. Since then all I can think of day and night is that I'm alone and how badly I wish I had someone, anyone. And no, it's not a sex thing. In fact it has little to nothing to do with sex.
See, first off, I'm an empath. I know most people laugh or just flat out don't believe that. But many people who've known me long enough have seen it happen. Those times when out of the blue I call or text someone asking what's wrong when they haven't even indicated anything being wrong yet. All those little things. But basically I can read and project my emotions. I'm convinced this is the real reason people seem to always like me "as friends". I mean, I'm no one special, and my life is crazy, but I've honestly in the last 2 decades especially but throughout my whole life, not met a single person of any age, gender, religion, nationality, etc. that didn't end up liking me. I mean I don't really get it but it is what it is I guess.
That being said, there's my hormonal issues. So on top of having always been empathic, now my hormones are all over the map. So my emotions, good and bad, are frankly overwhelming most of the time. Now in the last two weeks I've started to learn to deal with this and accept this fact about my existence and am actually starting to like it most of the time.
Big issue though is that I "need" that emotional contact with everyone, it's almost like I feed off of the emotions. I find it nearly impossible to leave happy situations, hence I'm always the last person to leave everywhere, parties, classes, meetings, it doesn't matter what or where. It's tough and at times hurts more than physical pain ever could just to leave somewhere I'm happy or having fun knowing that my next stop is being alone.
So I compensate my lack of having someone, ya know, like an actual romantic relationship, with friends, lots of friends, and parties, and going out anywhere and everywhere as much as I can. Ends up making me look like some out of control party animal and I'm really not. Again, I just NEED emotions. Simple fact is I'd give up everything just to have someone to sit by the water with, hold hands, chat and joke, watch the waves, the moon, maybe get rained on, simple little stupid shit like that is all I ever really wanted.
After that last serious relationship so many ages ago and all the out-of-control things I did back in my youth I shut off my emotions for a long time, bad idea by the way. Now that I realize it wasn't the person I missed but the relationship and emotional connection I missed, I realize how long I wasted alone and not doing all the things in my life I've needed to do.
And so here I am alone, trying to find someone anyway I can. I feel so desperate, and that's probably because I am... lol Seriously, I desperately need to find someone, you can't imagine how much it hurts to be alone as an empath. I always had someone, girlfriend/boyfriend from literally kindergarten until I was 28ish. Then a whole decade got flushed down the toilet leading me up to now. Thing is, I don't know how to find someone. I never really looked for anyone before. It just sort of happened, one after the other, for decades. Now I'm middle-aged, things are so much harder. I don't know where to go or what to do about it really.
Been trying the online dating thing and I just don't know. I've met a bunch of people, but, bleh. I mean, for example, there was one really awesome person that I chatted with for quite awhile and then she asked to talk in person, I said ok, gave my number and never heard back since. Another one was awesome and just flat out vanished. Two people I'm still talking to now. One is so far away (not even in Florida) so it doesn't even matter really cause I flat out can't do that. But of course we're like online friends now. Other one I really like, and we seem to have become friends, she's really so awesome from what I can tell, but she's seeing someone (of course). So as usual, another friend. I can't imagine that I'd be lucky enough for that to go any further. Which is fine, cause like I said, she is pretty awesome far as I can tell. So yeah, I've wasted a lot of time talking to people that vanish and even more time talking to those that became friends and likely won't ever go beyond that. So the online dating thing not working out so well for me.
In person, yeah, I've tried that. One woman I was so hung up on for so many weeks. I thought things were going well, I saw all these signs that seemed to me to be leading to something. And as usual we became friends, then I find out that she's seeing someone, and it's a guy, and they've been together for a long, long time. So fail there. But I made yet another friend. Which again is great an all, but...
That's just it. I have so many damn friends, but no one for me ya know? Like no "significant other". And it sucks. Because friends are friends, but then when you're done hanging out they go back to their lives and me mine. So it's a great distraction going out, partying, hanging out with them all day and night and stuff. But in the end I'm still alone. I want someone that when the party is over they're still there for me and me for them.
Hmmm.... This was going to be a blog post about my not having posted on my blog and a recap of the many crazy things this last week. I "was" gonna talk about my high school reunion, group meeting, party for friend's graduation, gala event at the Hyatt, Avenger's movie, Cinco de Mayo, and all of that but somehow this ended up being all about me being alone again. *sigh* I can't even keep a decent blog journal cause all I can think is that I'm so damn alone. This only hits me when I'm home too. Hence my staying so busy and always finding someone to pester and hang out with.
Anyway, yeah, just gonna stop there cause I don't wanna get all whiny and depressing sounding. Next time I'll try to actually blog about what I was going to blog about this time and failed. lol But for now, I guess I'll just go back to being alone still...
Well, I'm still single, there's that. Funny how for over a decade I was so sure I was happy alone and destined to be the crazy old cat lady. I guess I was pretty much asexual for awhile there. Which, for anyone that "really" knows me from my past, well, yeah... Then a few months back I realized how much I absolutely HATE being alone. And part of me wishes I hadn't ever realized that. Since then all I can think of day and night is that I'm alone and how badly I wish I had someone, anyone. And no, it's not a sex thing. In fact it has little to nothing to do with sex.
See, first off, I'm an empath. I know most people laugh or just flat out don't believe that. But many people who've known me long enough have seen it happen. Those times when out of the blue I call or text someone asking what's wrong when they haven't even indicated anything being wrong yet. All those little things. But basically I can read and project my emotions. I'm convinced this is the real reason people seem to always like me "as friends". I mean, I'm no one special, and my life is crazy, but I've honestly in the last 2 decades especially but throughout my whole life, not met a single person of any age, gender, religion, nationality, etc. that didn't end up liking me. I mean I don't really get it but it is what it is I guess.
That being said, there's my hormonal issues. So on top of having always been empathic, now my hormones are all over the map. So my emotions, good and bad, are frankly overwhelming most of the time. Now in the last two weeks I've started to learn to deal with this and accept this fact about my existence and am actually starting to like it most of the time.
Big issue though is that I "need" that emotional contact with everyone, it's almost like I feed off of the emotions. I find it nearly impossible to leave happy situations, hence I'm always the last person to leave everywhere, parties, classes, meetings, it doesn't matter what or where. It's tough and at times hurts more than physical pain ever could just to leave somewhere I'm happy or having fun knowing that my next stop is being alone.
So I compensate my lack of having someone, ya know, like an actual romantic relationship, with friends, lots of friends, and parties, and going out anywhere and everywhere as much as I can. Ends up making me look like some out of control party animal and I'm really not. Again, I just NEED emotions. Simple fact is I'd give up everything just to have someone to sit by the water with, hold hands, chat and joke, watch the waves, the moon, maybe get rained on, simple little stupid shit like that is all I ever really wanted.
After that last serious relationship so many ages ago and all the out-of-control things I did back in my youth I shut off my emotions for a long time, bad idea by the way. Now that I realize it wasn't the person I missed but the relationship and emotional connection I missed, I realize how long I wasted alone and not doing all the things in my life I've needed to do.
And so here I am alone, trying to find someone anyway I can. I feel so desperate, and that's probably because I am... lol Seriously, I desperately need to find someone, you can't imagine how much it hurts to be alone as an empath. I always had someone, girlfriend/boyfriend from literally kindergarten until I was 28ish. Then a whole decade got flushed down the toilet leading me up to now. Thing is, I don't know how to find someone. I never really looked for anyone before. It just sort of happened, one after the other, for decades. Now I'm middle-aged, things are so much harder. I don't know where to go or what to do about it really.
Been trying the online dating thing and I just don't know. I've met a bunch of people, but, bleh. I mean, for example, there was one really awesome person that I chatted with for quite awhile and then she asked to talk in person, I said ok, gave my number and never heard back since. Another one was awesome and just flat out vanished. Two people I'm still talking to now. One is so far away (not even in Florida) so it doesn't even matter really cause I flat out can't do that. But of course we're like online friends now. Other one I really like, and we seem to have become friends, she's really so awesome from what I can tell, but she's seeing someone (of course). So as usual, another friend. I can't imagine that I'd be lucky enough for that to go any further. Which is fine, cause like I said, she is pretty awesome far as I can tell. So yeah, I've wasted a lot of time talking to people that vanish and even more time talking to those that became friends and likely won't ever go beyond that. So the online dating thing not working out so well for me.
In person, yeah, I've tried that. One woman I was so hung up on for so many weeks. I thought things were going well, I saw all these signs that seemed to me to be leading to something. And as usual we became friends, then I find out that she's seeing someone, and it's a guy, and they've been together for a long, long time. So fail there. But I made yet another friend. Which again is great an all, but...
That's just it. I have so many damn friends, but no one for me ya know? Like no "significant other". And it sucks. Because friends are friends, but then when you're done hanging out they go back to their lives and me mine. So it's a great distraction going out, partying, hanging out with them all day and night and stuff. But in the end I'm still alone. I want someone that when the party is over they're still there for me and me for them.
Hmmm.... This was going to be a blog post about my not having posted on my blog and a recap of the many crazy things this last week. I "was" gonna talk about my high school reunion, group meeting, party for friend's graduation, gala event at the Hyatt, Avenger's movie, Cinco de Mayo, and all of that but somehow this ended up being all about me being alone again. *sigh* I can't even keep a decent blog journal cause all I can think is that I'm so damn alone. This only hits me when I'm home too. Hence my staying so busy and always finding someone to pester and hang out with.
Anyway, yeah, just gonna stop there cause I don't wanna get all whiny and depressing sounding. Next time I'll try to actually blog about what I was going to blog about this time and failed. lol But for now, I guess I'll just go back to being alone still...
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Blogger vs. Facebook
So it's recently come to my attention that my life is still insane. So many things have happened over the last 38 years. I've always wished I had a journal or record. I've bought many a diary and never get past the first few days. It's not that I'm not motivated so much as too much happens to have time to write down all that happens.
I've had this blog for some time now and have left it for just silly stuff, top 13 songs for Halloween, pet peeves that are mostly for fun in the name of humor, and those times I really want to say stuff and ramble but inevitably say a whole lot of nothing because I've been holding back and not fully open about everything.
Well, I've decided to seriously take my blog more seriously, like seriously! lol Ok, not THAT serious! This is still me ya know! I was doing like I've done many times in the past and telling myself, "oh I'll start a journal or diary again for my birthday or next year or for this that or the other". Well after the week I've had I've decided that right now is the best time to start.
What really made this click in my head. I've posted a lot of intense stuff on facebook lately. Real personal revelations. And where are they? Scrolled off into history somewhere in facebook's database. Maybe 2 or 3 people actually read those long posts (being optimistic there probably). But those posts should have been here, as blog posts, where I'd be able to keep a bit more permanent record of my inane life.
Issue with this? Having to openly admit a lot of things that not everyone knows. But it's really past time for this. So, tomorrow, when I have time, I will post a couple really long, really nice posts about some of the major events that have taken place this week. And it's my intention to keep this up moving forward. I think a good deal of why my diaries and journals faded was because I tried to do them in an old fashioned book with a pen like this was the 20th century or something. I once typed over 60wpm and even with the handicap the internet put upon me by making me type worse and use leet speak everywhere I still type roughly 45wpm. So I need to embrace the blog. And I likely need to buy a web cam at some point huh? Well, that might wait till after I move cause no one wants to see this house. lmao
Anyway, yeah, all that. Gotta go for now though, lots to do, lots to do!
I've had this blog for some time now and have left it for just silly stuff, top 13 songs for Halloween, pet peeves that are mostly for fun in the name of humor, and those times I really want to say stuff and ramble but inevitably say a whole lot of nothing because I've been holding back and not fully open about everything.
Well, I've decided to seriously take my blog more seriously, like seriously! lol Ok, not THAT serious! This is still me ya know! I was doing like I've done many times in the past and telling myself, "oh I'll start a journal or diary again for my birthday or next year or for this that or the other". Well after the week I've had I've decided that right now is the best time to start.
What really made this click in my head. I've posted a lot of intense stuff on facebook lately. Real personal revelations. And where are they? Scrolled off into history somewhere in facebook's database. Maybe 2 or 3 people actually read those long posts (being optimistic there probably). But those posts should have been here, as blog posts, where I'd be able to keep a bit more permanent record of my inane life.
Issue with this? Having to openly admit a lot of things that not everyone knows. But it's really past time for this. So, tomorrow, when I have time, I will post a couple really long, really nice posts about some of the major events that have taken place this week. And it's my intention to keep this up moving forward. I think a good deal of why my diaries and journals faded was because I tried to do them in an old fashioned book with a pen like this was the 20th century or something. I once typed over 60wpm and even with the handicap the internet put upon me by making me type worse and use leet speak everywhere I still type roughly 45wpm. So I need to embrace the blog. And I likely need to buy a web cam at some point huh? Well, that might wait till after I move cause no one wants to see this house. lmao
Anyway, yeah, all that. Gotta go for now though, lots to do, lots to do!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
I'm a Light Bulb!
I just had the craziest, most unbelievable week ever. So many strange things, awkward things, great things, terrible things, another wild roller coaster. I won't recap all the details from Miami Beach Gay Pride Parade & Festival through hanging out, friends houses, awkward situations, new friends, strange messages, and culminating in me losing 5ish hours somewhere at the end of our weekly game night. Just far too much to get into specifics.
What matters? I had several personal breakthroughs. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, just my entire being has changed in the course of a week, yes... AGAIN! I know... My first analogy that's stuck with me is that I feel like a light bulb.
Physically, always the simplest to explain. Ever stopped one day and taken a good look at a pic of yourself and realized you're not seeing the same person you always have? Well that's what happened to me. I saw a picture of myself and was like whoa, I look like that? I guess just like all the other aspects of my life I've been down on myself physically for a long time, if not always. And it finally hit me, I'm almost 40, middle-aged, and I look DAMN good! For real though! Why didn't I get the memo on this??? rofl
Mentally, several things led me to realize I've been thinking about stuff too much. That I keep getting all wrapped up in my head making up "what ifs" and "I shouldn'ts" based on nothing but crap I was making up in my head, not actual facts or anything. And I've discovered how much better it can be sometimes to not think and just do.
Emotionally, have come to understand how I "really" feel about a LOT of things. And more importantly, discovered that I'm OK with that. Once I got over the mental part it was easy to follow my emotions again and just say and do what feels right without worrying about whether it's logically right or makes sense. When I started trying to rationalize everything instead of following my heart, instinct and feelings is beyond me. Everything I've seen, done and been through I of all people should know how irrational the universe is.
Spiritually, this is a big one. I don't want to get into details. But I had a monumental, amazing, spiritual thing happen. With the help of some friends a huge block was lifted and I let go of a lot of baggage I had buried for so long it got to the point of not even consciously acknowledging it anymore. Strongest my faith has ever been, so many things I've always felt or believed feel somehow validated now.
End result:
I feel... like a light bulb.
I feel radiant and bright.
I shine bright even when surrounded by darkness.
I'm solid yet fragile.
I'm needed and loved.
I brighten the world around me the best I can.
I shine light on those near me.
I'm warm and comforting.
Sometimes I'm just really hot.
Easily turned on.
Easily turned off. lol
People are strangely drawn to me.
And one day I'll burn out.
Yeah, I just thought that up. And yes, I feel like I'm on an ego trip at times lately. But, ya know what? I've been down on myself for a long, long time. And I'm feeling really good about, well, everything right now. And I've decided to just not fight myself with logic anymore and just do, be, feel, exist, and follow my heart wherever it leads me and not try to not think so damn much.
What matters? I had several personal breakthroughs. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, just my entire being has changed in the course of a week, yes... AGAIN! I know... My first analogy that's stuck with me is that I feel like a light bulb.
Physically, always the simplest to explain. Ever stopped one day and taken a good look at a pic of yourself and realized you're not seeing the same person you always have? Well that's what happened to me. I saw a picture of myself and was like whoa, I look like that? I guess just like all the other aspects of my life I've been down on myself physically for a long time, if not always. And it finally hit me, I'm almost 40, middle-aged, and I look DAMN good! For real though! Why didn't I get the memo on this??? rofl
Mentally, several things led me to realize I've been thinking about stuff too much. That I keep getting all wrapped up in my head making up "what ifs" and "I shouldn'ts" based on nothing but crap I was making up in my head, not actual facts or anything. And I've discovered how much better it can be sometimes to not think and just do.
Emotionally, have come to understand how I "really" feel about a LOT of things. And more importantly, discovered that I'm OK with that. Once I got over the mental part it was easy to follow my emotions again and just say and do what feels right without worrying about whether it's logically right or makes sense. When I started trying to rationalize everything instead of following my heart, instinct and feelings is beyond me. Everything I've seen, done and been through I of all people should know how irrational the universe is.
Spiritually, this is a big one. I don't want to get into details. But I had a monumental, amazing, spiritual thing happen. With the help of some friends a huge block was lifted and I let go of a lot of baggage I had buried for so long it got to the point of not even consciously acknowledging it anymore. Strongest my faith has ever been, so many things I've always felt or believed feel somehow validated now.
End result:
I feel... like a light bulb.
I feel radiant and bright.
I shine bright even when surrounded by darkness.
I'm solid yet fragile.
I'm needed and loved.
I brighten the world around me the best I can.
I shine light on those near me.
I'm warm and comforting.
Sometimes I'm just really hot.
Easily turned on.
Easily turned off. lol
People are strangely drawn to me.
And one day I'll burn out.
Yeah, I just thought that up. And yes, I feel like I'm on an ego trip at times lately. But, ya know what? I've been down on myself for a long, long time. And I'm feeling really good about, well, everything right now. And I've decided to just not fight myself with logic anymore and just do, be, feel, exist, and follow my heart wherever it leads me and not try to not think so damn much.
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