That's right, porn damnit! roflmao
Many times over the years I've searched for "post-op" transwoman porn. And only ever found pre-op or no-op shemale tranny porn. (which I HATE those words btw, they're derogatory and hurtful, but have to use them to explain what people call that) I've read plenty of patient comments and testimonials. I've seen countless post-op pics. But none of it made me feel truly comfortable about the surgery results.
Then last night when I couldn't sleep I stumbled upon something. On a transforum there was a topic, with a link, to a page, with a link, to a page, and so on. Eventually I came across a site with porn from actual, normal, post-op, transwomen. I was for the first time ever able to see other transwomen, after surgery, masturbating and having sex. And having orgasms, and enjoying it.
I think my first reaction was surprise. Even after all the pics and crap I've seen. I was surprised how normal everything looked and worked. It not only put me at ease, but made me very anxious and excited!
I had thought my fear was coming from the thought of not having parts I've had for so long. But now I realize it has nothing to do with the parts. My fear was the fear of not being able to have an orgasm again. And considering I'm horny 24/7, masturbate several times a day, and have a therapist that's been tossing around the phrase "sex addict" despite my 15 years of no sex, the thought of not being able to have an orgasm is horrific.
The irony of this is that my parts have been slowly shutting down and not working as well as they once did the last few months. This is of course from the HRT. So, in other words, things will actually work BETTER after surgery than they do now!
So I was worried? Worried about losing something that isn't working fully anymore? In exchange for something that will work great? Am I insane? I should be nothing but ecstatic like I am right now at the thought of it! Excited, anxious, impatient, and very much ready for surgery! Heck, I can't wait! This is going to be awesome! Dream come true, for real! *happy dance*
Somehow, it all seems oddly fitting that my peace of mind would come from porn of all things. LOL
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Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Of All the Thoughts I've Had. This is a New One.
Have gone through a relentless rollercoaster of emotions the last few days. Excited, happy, sad, scared, horrified, lonely, anxious, worried, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, ecstatic, and many more.
And then out of the blue I had a different thought. I thought of that person that had to cancel their surgery date making it possible for me to get in earlier. That poor person...
I know nothing about them. No idea of age, race, gender identity or what they were going to have done. But odds are like myself and so many others, they went through many obstacles, many challenges, and many years of hell. To get so close and then not be able to go through with it. It's heartbreaking.
Here I am worried about the end result. Unfounded, irrational fears. No matter what anyone else says. Everyone I talk to is super happy. Happier than they thought they'd be. And here I am being afraid of what I've always wanted when I'm so close and so lucky to even have this chance.
I actually feel bad about feeling bad now. I feel bad about having doubts or fears. Someone somewhere is probably devastated having had their chance slip away for now.
I can only hope that it was a person decision of theirs. That they changed their mind freely or had it done elsewhere. I would feel worse knowing it was financial, or family, or health, or some other thing that stopped them right at the end.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, my heart goes out to you. And I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to get this over with sooner rather than later. I should be thankful how lucky I am and not so scared without cause or reason.
And then out of the blue I had a different thought. I thought of that person that had to cancel their surgery date making it possible for me to get in earlier. That poor person...
I know nothing about them. No idea of age, race, gender identity or what they were going to have done. But odds are like myself and so many others, they went through many obstacles, many challenges, and many years of hell. To get so close and then not be able to go through with it. It's heartbreaking.
Here I am worried about the end result. Unfounded, irrational fears. No matter what anyone else says. Everyone I talk to is super happy. Happier than they thought they'd be. And here I am being afraid of what I've always wanted when I'm so close and so lucky to even have this chance.
I actually feel bad about feeling bad now. I feel bad about having doubts or fears. Someone somewhere is probably devastated having had their chance slip away for now.
I can only hope that it was a person decision of theirs. That they changed their mind freely or had it done elsewhere. I would feel worse knowing it was financial, or family, or health, or some other thing that stopped them right at the end.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, my heart goes out to you. And I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to get this over with sooner rather than later. I should be thankful how lucky I am and not so scared without cause or reason.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
287 Days... Err 70 Days Left! Whoa!
Well, so my mind is blown yet again. So here's the setting. Eating dinner with my parents, about 5:00 p.m. EST. We're at a local restaurant chain called Flanigan's. We've all eaten way too much. And we were going through pitchers of Yuengling. I got my mom hooked on Yuengling about a month ago, kinda funny. I had this amazing burger worthy of a brief digression. Texas burger. had so much stuff on it I can't even remember. It had swiss cheese melted and chunks of bleu cheese, bacon, onion rings, lettuce, tomato, who knows what else. Anyhow, so my phone vibrates in my purse next to me. After a few minutes of being lazy I finally check thinking it was a text from one of my friends. Had a missed call, Dr. Marci Bowers. *this is the part where my brain exploded because I knew there was only one reason they would be calling me...*
And so BAM there is was. THE call. I've been saying, "she could call any time." I guess in my heart I partially didn't think there would end up being a cancellation. And even if there was I figured it would be get a call in October or November to come in late December. We haven't even been back a month yet.
So, my dad tells me to call her back. Like no kidding. So I called. Got Robin, who works in the Trinidad, Colorado office and handles all the scheduling, phone calls, apparently all the paperwork and everything. Poor woman must be overworked. She's the only person I've even dealt with the entire time so far. And so she confirmed my assumption that there was a cancellation. And she asked if October 17th was ok. I didn't even know how to respond. My dad was also at a loss for what to say. We clearly were not prepared for that call. I asked her if it was ok to call her back tomorrow. She said yes and that she'd pencil me in tentatively for that day.
Many hours of arguing took place at this point. Me, I was still mind blown over the fact that this was happening so soon just like that. Started having so many different thoughts and emotions, good, bad and indifferent. Was and frankly still am feeling EVERY emotion. Happy, sad, mad, giddy, shocked, scared, excited, anxious, overwhelmed, and a million others all at once. In the end my dad agreed we should keep the October date and just get it over with. I want to be done with this too of course. And closer means less time to worry. Why drag it out longer, right?
Tomorrow I will call Robin and tell her yes. She will then send me the infamous packet that explains what to do, what to bring, payment, just all the details about everything. And I have a few questions. My dad wants to talk to her as well, but for stupid reasons. He wants hotel and car rental suggestions and stuff. I'm like seriously that THIS is what you're worried about? Priorities dad, for real.
My brain still hasn't fully processed it all. Have so many emotions, thoughts, ideas, questions.
Intense.
---UPDATE---
It's the next day. I called. Gender Reaffirming Surgery is confirmed with Dr. Marci L. Bowers in San Mateo, California for October 17th, 2012. And they're contacting Dr. Beck that works with her to see if he's free that day to do breast augmentation at the same time. They said probably. The information packet will be sent out either today or in the next day and I should get it by next week.
All those nights of falling asleep and having dreams where I already had all the right parts. Only to wake up and find myself still in this body. All those years wishing I'd go to sleep and wake up different. And as a friend just told me, that's exactly what's going to happen. On Oct. 17th, I'm going to go to sleep, probably very hungry and with watery diarrhea from the prep, and likely in pain as I know from past surgeries my bad lower back does NOT agree with those flat hard metal surgical tables. And then I'm going to wake up, in pain, all doped up on pain meds that likely won't be strong enough, but with boobs 1 to 2 cup sizes bigger, and female bottom parts. Just like that. The many hours of hard work and surgery they do will be nothing to me. To me, from my point of view, it will be exactly like I always hoped. I'll go to sleep and wake up from that dream but this time the dream won't end when I awaken. :-)
And so BAM there is was. THE call. I've been saying, "she could call any time." I guess in my heart I partially didn't think there would end up being a cancellation. And even if there was I figured it would be get a call in October or November to come in late December. We haven't even been back a month yet.
So, my dad tells me to call her back. Like no kidding. So I called. Got Robin, who works in the Trinidad, Colorado office and handles all the scheduling, phone calls, apparently all the paperwork and everything. Poor woman must be overworked. She's the only person I've even dealt with the entire time so far. And so she confirmed my assumption that there was a cancellation. And she asked if October 17th was ok. I didn't even know how to respond. My dad was also at a loss for what to say. We clearly were not prepared for that call. I asked her if it was ok to call her back tomorrow. She said yes and that she'd pencil me in tentatively for that day.
Many hours of arguing took place at this point. Me, I was still mind blown over the fact that this was happening so soon just like that. Started having so many different thoughts and emotions, good, bad and indifferent. Was and frankly still am feeling EVERY emotion. Happy, sad, mad, giddy, shocked, scared, excited, anxious, overwhelmed, and a million others all at once. In the end my dad agreed we should keep the October date and just get it over with. I want to be done with this too of course. And closer means less time to worry. Why drag it out longer, right?
Tomorrow I will call Robin and tell her yes. She will then send me the infamous packet that explains what to do, what to bring, payment, just all the details about everything. And I have a few questions. My dad wants to talk to her as well, but for stupid reasons. He wants hotel and car rental suggestions and stuff. I'm like seriously that THIS is what you're worried about? Priorities dad, for real.
My brain still hasn't fully processed it all. Have so many emotions, thoughts, ideas, questions.
Intense.
---UPDATE---
It's the next day. I called. Gender Reaffirming Surgery is confirmed with Dr. Marci L. Bowers in San Mateo, California for October 17th, 2012. And they're contacting Dr. Beck that works with her to see if he's free that day to do breast augmentation at the same time. They said probably. The information packet will be sent out either today or in the next day and I should get it by next week.
All those nights of falling asleep and having dreams where I already had all the right parts. Only to wake up and find myself still in this body. All those years wishing I'd go to sleep and wake up different. And as a friend just told me, that's exactly what's going to happen. On Oct. 17th, I'm going to go to sleep, probably very hungry and with watery diarrhea from the prep, and likely in pain as I know from past surgeries my bad lower back does NOT agree with those flat hard metal surgical tables. And then I'm going to wake up, in pain, all doped up on pain meds that likely won't be strong enough, but with boobs 1 to 2 cup sizes bigger, and female bottom parts. Just like that. The many hours of hard work and surgery they do will be nothing to me. To me, from my point of view, it will be exactly like I always hoped. I'll go to sleep and wake up from that dream but this time the dream won't end when I awaken. :-)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
"So What Makes You Happy?"
A couple months back, think it's been close to three months now, a friend of mine asked me this question. "So what makes you happy?" Seems simple enough right? But not so much when you're depressed and confused. I mean there's stuff I like but is that what truly makes me happy? I had no real answer. After giving it some thought I spouted out some generic nonsense that seemed right at the time.
Days later I had thought I had figured it out. But again I was really just guessing. I wasn't honestly sure what I like or what makes me really happy anymore. Over the years the things that have made me happy have gone from cartoons, to games, to drugs, to money, to specific people or places. It's been varied enough to leave me unsure about what it is that makes me truly happy.
Well a lot has happened since then. A lot of amazingly good and amazingly bad. And then last weekend I woke up in a strange mood one day and was again asked that same question by the same people. I had a better idea this time, but sort of laughed it off and let it go because some of the things that make me happy seemed like I shouldn't admit to them.
Today I got to see a psychiatrist to get my surgical clearance letter. And then my therapist a few hours later. I talked about a lot. Thought about a lot. And realized when recapping my life story for the millionth time what really matters. What things make me really happy. That kind of happy that you want all the time and can't live without. And I feel embarrassed admitting to some of this. But these are the things that make me happy. These are the things that always bring a smile to my face. The things that I love the most. The things that make me who I am.
So, what makes me happy? Here's my top 15 in order:
So there's my answer finally. Will this list be the same in a year? I don't know. Will it be the same when I wake up tomorrow? Don't know that either. What I do know? It's accurate right now as I am typing this. :-)
Days later I had thought I had figured it out. But again I was really just guessing. I wasn't honestly sure what I like or what makes me really happy anymore. Over the years the things that have made me happy have gone from cartoons, to games, to drugs, to money, to specific people or places. It's been varied enough to leave me unsure about what it is that makes me truly happy.
Well a lot has happened since then. A lot of amazingly good and amazingly bad. And then last weekend I woke up in a strange mood one day and was again asked that same question by the same people. I had a better idea this time, but sort of laughed it off and let it go because some of the things that make me happy seemed like I shouldn't admit to them.
Today I got to see a psychiatrist to get my surgical clearance letter. And then my therapist a few hours later. I talked about a lot. Thought about a lot. And realized when recapping my life story for the millionth time what really matters. What things make me really happy. That kind of happy that you want all the time and can't live without. And I feel embarrassed admitting to some of this. But these are the things that make me happy. These are the things that always bring a smile to my face. The things that I love the most. The things that make me who I am.
So, what makes me happy? Here's my top 15 in order:
- Friends
- Love
- Cuddling
- Chocolate Milk
- Sex
- Music
- Stupid Humour
- Helping Others
- Marijuana
- Dancing
- My Cats
- Beer
- Games
- Looking Good (and being able to be myself)
- Figuring Things Out
So there's my answer finally. Will this list be the same in a year? I don't know. Will it be the same when I wake up tomorrow? Don't know that either. What I do know? It's accurate right now as I am typing this. :-)
Let's Just Talk About Sex For A Minute...
I had another post 3/4 done but right now I feel like talking about something else. Sex. Cause that's what's on my mind right now. I'm sure any of my closest friends reading this right now are thinking "what else is new." lol But I'm having specific thoughts and I felt like rambling and sharing them.
So, sex, obviously a fairly significant concern when going through GRS (gender reaffirming surgery). It's not like I'm 15 and never had sex. I've had a LOT of sex in my life. With men, with women, multiple people, and all sorts of crazy stuff. And I am not gonna lie here, I love sex. Like too much. Like I've never been able to get enough. And back in the mid to late 90s when I was a hardcore crack addict I had sex for drugs. That combined with my last serious relationship at that time falling apart all led me to a point where I basically stopped having sex totally. For somewhere around 15 years I went without. Didn't even want a relationship. Thought I was fine me and my cats. But I wasn't. More recently, a variety of things in my life changed. And along the way I ended up having sex again, more than a few times. And what I have once again realized is that I really, really love it. My testosterone is down to 10 and I'm still horny 24/7. It's apparently just part of who I am.
So now we get to where things get weird. Cause surgery, obviously going to change a few things. During that freak out I talked about in a previous post, this was one of the many thoughts I had. Cause I am scared about what if my new parts don't work. And in fact I was at such a freak out point that I was horrified at the thought of losing something I obviously love doing quite a bit. And even though I know the success rates and how this operation works. And I know everything will be fine and the new parts will work great. But still, will I like having sex then as much as I do now? How will things change?
Well, I've been thinking about this frequently. And at first I took into consideration the facts. First of which is I want this operation more than anything in the world. I NEED this operation. It's all I ever wanted and none of that has changed. Fear is irrelevant in this aspect. Because I AM going to do this. So that made me think about things differently again. Because I realized I can't dwell on what I'm losing. That might as well already be the past. And so I started really focusing on and thinking about what I will have.
And so I have been thinking about that. I've always imagined what it would be like. I've always fantasized that I already had parts I don't. But since having the surgery date set up I've just been so freaked about losing what I have that I wasn't thinking clearly about it anymore.
This is where this story gets hard to blog about. Because I can't put into words the feelings I've had. I'm not sure there are words to explain it. The very thought of post-op sex makes me light-headed and faint (in a good way). It's beyond a dream. It's like it's "too" perfect if that makes sense. It's like everything I've dreamt of and fantasized about and hoped for someday all made into a reality. And thanks to being an empath and having an awesome imagination I can really envision what it will be like. And, this is the part where there are no words. The very thought is... overwhelming... amazing... beyond words.
And just to clarify, this is no way implies penetration or me specifically being with someone with a penis. Just to throw that out there. I'm just talking about anyone, male, female, both, neither, trans, whatever, doing anything with what I will have. ALL of those various thoughts. It's... again, no proper word to put here. I wish I had a way to make others understand this feeling. I can't help but think that if people who aren't trans and don't understand transgender could understand the thoughts and feelings I'm having right now it would change the world. (not to sound full of myself, but you just don't know if you haven't been where I'm at in my life). It's intense.
So that's just some thoughts and feelings I'm having about sex post-op. Felt like rambling on a bit about that one. :-)
So, sex, obviously a fairly significant concern when going through GRS (gender reaffirming surgery). It's not like I'm 15 and never had sex. I've had a LOT of sex in my life. With men, with women, multiple people, and all sorts of crazy stuff. And I am not gonna lie here, I love sex. Like too much. Like I've never been able to get enough. And back in the mid to late 90s when I was a hardcore crack addict I had sex for drugs. That combined with my last serious relationship at that time falling apart all led me to a point where I basically stopped having sex totally. For somewhere around 15 years I went without. Didn't even want a relationship. Thought I was fine me and my cats. But I wasn't. More recently, a variety of things in my life changed. And along the way I ended up having sex again, more than a few times. And what I have once again realized is that I really, really love it. My testosterone is down to 10 and I'm still horny 24/7. It's apparently just part of who I am.
So now we get to where things get weird. Cause surgery, obviously going to change a few things. During that freak out I talked about in a previous post, this was one of the many thoughts I had. Cause I am scared about what if my new parts don't work. And in fact I was at such a freak out point that I was horrified at the thought of losing something I obviously love doing quite a bit. And even though I know the success rates and how this operation works. And I know everything will be fine and the new parts will work great. But still, will I like having sex then as much as I do now? How will things change?
Well, I've been thinking about this frequently. And at first I took into consideration the facts. First of which is I want this operation more than anything in the world. I NEED this operation. It's all I ever wanted and none of that has changed. Fear is irrelevant in this aspect. Because I AM going to do this. So that made me think about things differently again. Because I realized I can't dwell on what I'm losing. That might as well already be the past. And so I started really focusing on and thinking about what I will have.
And so I have been thinking about that. I've always imagined what it would be like. I've always fantasized that I already had parts I don't. But since having the surgery date set up I've just been so freaked about losing what I have that I wasn't thinking clearly about it anymore.
This is where this story gets hard to blog about. Because I can't put into words the feelings I've had. I'm not sure there are words to explain it. The very thought of post-op sex makes me light-headed and faint (in a good way). It's beyond a dream. It's like it's "too" perfect if that makes sense. It's like everything I've dreamt of and fantasized about and hoped for someday all made into a reality. And thanks to being an empath and having an awesome imagination I can really envision what it will be like. And, this is the part where there are no words. The very thought is... overwhelming... amazing... beyond words.
And just to clarify, this is no way implies penetration or me specifically being with someone with a penis. Just to throw that out there. I'm just talking about anyone, male, female, both, neither, trans, whatever, doing anything with what I will have. ALL of those various thoughts. It's... again, no proper word to put here. I wish I had a way to make others understand this feeling. I can't help but think that if people who aren't trans and don't understand transgender could understand the thoughts and feelings I'm having right now it would change the world. (not to sound full of myself, but you just don't know if you haven't been where I'm at in my life). It's intense.
So that's just some thoughts and feelings I'm having about sex post-op. Felt like rambling on a bit about that one. :-)
Friday, July 27, 2012
Another Realization About My Emotions
Realized something else over the last week or two. This is how this entire thought process progressed.
I've been horribly obsessed with trying to find someone. This loneliness has been driving me mad. I've gone to clubs, I've joined 3 dating sites, I've tried flirting with and hitting on pretty much everyone and anyone that seemed even remotely interesting and not a total ass or stupid, will never be desperate enough to be ok being with someone that's stupid. But anyhow, I've tried everything I could think of. I keep getting advice to just chill, go out, have fun, do whatever I normally do and I'll find someone. To me that feels like giving up though.
A friend of mine suggested I wait until after my surgery when things were more settled down to worry about finding a relationship. And that's probably true, a lot of people don't want to get in a relationship and deal with all this immediately. I had hoped I'd be lucky enough to find that exception. But waiting also means being alone now. And right now it SUCKS. And I guess part of me was hoping to have someone that would go through this with me. I guess I had kinda wanted to be able to say I was with someone that wanted to be with me even before the operation. I know, that seems ridiculous really. I mean who cares right?
Then I got some more advice about enjoy what I have now while I have it. So I thought about that a lot. And I do have a lot right now. I have a ton of amazing friends. I have plenty of stuff to do. I feel like I'm giving back to the community and helping to educate others when I get to speak or anything along those lines. I have people that love me in various ways and at various levels. But then I keep thinking, I don't have someone for me though, ya know? And it's hard to focus on enjoying what I do have because my mind just wants to dwell on what I don't have.
My recent freak out over surgery though made me think about a lot of things differently. Including this whole "trying to find someone" thing. And what I have realized is I do need to wait until after surgery to try and find anything serious. Not because it will be easier, but because I have come to realize I am not currently emotionally stable enough for a relationship. If I were to find one I'm not sure I could handle anything going wrong or any of the problems that I know would likely arise. Just too many thoughts and worries of my own right now. And so on that note, I probably am better off just trying to enjoy what I have and not get into something I probably can't handle right now even though I want to.
And then I have to also consider that everything I have now may change at any time. There's no guarantee from minute to minute that things won't change. And who knows how things will change after my surgery. Who knows how I'll feel about anyone or anything. And dwelling on trying to find someone or what the future will be like only takes away from enjoying the happiness I have now while I have it. I have a lot of good things going for me right now. Friends, people I talk to every day, things I enjoy doing, places I enjoy being. I really need to enjoy now. I do have people that care and want to be with me, even if they're thousands of miles away or not wanting to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with them. I'm certainly not alone. I have an asston of friends, many of which are always wanting to hang out with me.
Now this in no way means I'm giving up. I'm certainly not deleting my dating site profiles or anything. I'm still going out places and looking. I guess what it boils down to is I don't care anymore. Right now I really can only focus on my upcoming surgery. It's hard to think about anyone or anything else right now. So just going to enjoy things as they are, focus on my surgery, and should something happen with someone along they way then yay, but I'm not putting forth the energy to worry about it anymore.
After my surgery, after I see how I feel about myself, about my life, the world. After I get through this and have nothing major to worry about anymore and after I'm sure everything is done and turned out ok. After all that when I don't feel like I have something I'm hiding from anyone I meet. Then, I'll see about putting forth more effort to find someone. But for now, just going to try and enjoy life.
And for any of the people I have been talking to or flirting with, don't think this means in any way that I don't still want to get to know you better and see what happens. I just can't take any of it seriously right now. I need to focus on myself first for the next 10ish months.
Another funny thing that I've realized is what it is I really want. It's not some relationship or someone to love or sex or any of the many things I thought it was. What I'm really looking for is just someone to hold me. As simple and silly as that sounds. I really just want to find someone that wants to hold me as much as I want to be held. That's it. Maybe I will find someone soon, maybe I won't. But at least I have a better grasp on what I want and where I'm at and what I can handle right now. So I guess that's a good thing right?
I've been horribly obsessed with trying to find someone. This loneliness has been driving me mad. I've gone to clubs, I've joined 3 dating sites, I've tried flirting with and hitting on pretty much everyone and anyone that seemed even remotely interesting and not a total ass or stupid, will never be desperate enough to be ok being with someone that's stupid. But anyhow, I've tried everything I could think of. I keep getting advice to just chill, go out, have fun, do whatever I normally do and I'll find someone. To me that feels like giving up though.
A friend of mine suggested I wait until after my surgery when things were more settled down to worry about finding a relationship. And that's probably true, a lot of people don't want to get in a relationship and deal with all this immediately. I had hoped I'd be lucky enough to find that exception. But waiting also means being alone now. And right now it SUCKS. And I guess part of me was hoping to have someone that would go through this with me. I guess I had kinda wanted to be able to say I was with someone that wanted to be with me even before the operation. I know, that seems ridiculous really. I mean who cares right?
Then I got some more advice about enjoy what I have now while I have it. So I thought about that a lot. And I do have a lot right now. I have a ton of amazing friends. I have plenty of stuff to do. I feel like I'm giving back to the community and helping to educate others when I get to speak or anything along those lines. I have people that love me in various ways and at various levels. But then I keep thinking, I don't have someone for me though, ya know? And it's hard to focus on enjoying what I do have because my mind just wants to dwell on what I don't have.
My recent freak out over surgery though made me think about a lot of things differently. Including this whole "trying to find someone" thing. And what I have realized is I do need to wait until after surgery to try and find anything serious. Not because it will be easier, but because I have come to realize I am not currently emotionally stable enough for a relationship. If I were to find one I'm not sure I could handle anything going wrong or any of the problems that I know would likely arise. Just too many thoughts and worries of my own right now. And so on that note, I probably am better off just trying to enjoy what I have and not get into something I probably can't handle right now even though I want to.
And then I have to also consider that everything I have now may change at any time. There's no guarantee from minute to minute that things won't change. And who knows how things will change after my surgery. Who knows how I'll feel about anyone or anything. And dwelling on trying to find someone or what the future will be like only takes away from enjoying the happiness I have now while I have it. I have a lot of good things going for me right now. Friends, people I talk to every day, things I enjoy doing, places I enjoy being. I really need to enjoy now. I do have people that care and want to be with me, even if they're thousands of miles away or not wanting to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with them. I'm certainly not alone. I have an asston of friends, many of which are always wanting to hang out with me.
Now this in no way means I'm giving up. I'm certainly not deleting my dating site profiles or anything. I'm still going out places and looking. I guess what it boils down to is I don't care anymore. Right now I really can only focus on my upcoming surgery. It's hard to think about anyone or anything else right now. So just going to enjoy things as they are, focus on my surgery, and should something happen with someone along they way then yay, but I'm not putting forth the energy to worry about it anymore.
After my surgery, after I see how I feel about myself, about my life, the world. After I get through this and have nothing major to worry about anymore and after I'm sure everything is done and turned out ok. After all that when I don't feel like I have something I'm hiding from anyone I meet. Then, I'll see about putting forth more effort to find someone. But for now, just going to try and enjoy life.
And for any of the people I have been talking to or flirting with, don't think this means in any way that I don't still want to get to know you better and see what happens. I just can't take any of it seriously right now. I need to focus on myself first for the next 10ish months.
Another funny thing that I've realized is what it is I really want. It's not some relationship or someone to love or sex or any of the many things I thought it was. What I'm really looking for is just someone to hold me. As simple and silly as that sounds. I really just want to find someone that wants to hold me as much as I want to be held. That's it. Maybe I will find someone soon, maybe I won't. But at least I have a better grasp on what I want and where I'm at and what I can handle right now. So I guess that's a good thing right?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
So, I Freaked Out... About Surgery...
This bothered me so much when it happened I wasn't sure I wanted to share it with anyone. But I was so freaked I needed to talk to someone. So I called a very close and dear friend and told him. He seemed a little surprised but really had nothing useful to say (no offense). I decided to ask a close friend who's known me about 16 years. He said it seems normal to him. So I decided to ask someone else going through transition who's very outspoken and he also said it seemed normal to him. Here's what happened and what I make of it after some thought.
First off, I FREAKED. When I say freaked, you have NO idea. Near as I can figure I must've been half asleep. Because it's blurry in parts and it happened abruptly as if I woke up. What I know is I was thinking, dreaming, not sure which, about the actual day of surgery. I was imagining and visualizing all too well myself going in and getting the IV hooked up and heart monitors and those tight socks and hair net and all this. And just the thought of me about to go unconscious and wake up with different parts. I freaked. I was suddenly horrified. I mean I never felt such utter terror. So it's at this point I figure I fully woke up. Because I remember opening my eyes, having thought I was just laying there awake thinking, and I was suddenly faint, soaked in a cold, clammy sweat, and my heart was leaping out of my chest. I started thinking things like, "omg I can't go through this, I'm scared, what am I doing, what am I going to do, omg". This is when I started the above chain of talking to people.
My initial thought was that I was awake thinking, visualized it, got scared of losing parts and freaked and because I freaked I got scared and questioned my gender for the first time in 20+ years. But then I did talk to those people. And I did think about it. And I did go over it a thousand times in my head and I realized what's really going on. It's not gender related fear at all. I still want the surgery more than anything in the world and have no doubts or hesitations about that. The fear is just from "it" not being there. Yeah I want it gone, of course. But, it has been there 39+ years. The thought of it not being there makes me a bit faint. And I have been told a couple times that it's not really gone but turned inside out. And yes, it is still there technically but that's not how my brain is processing it. In my head I'm seeing it more as losing what i have and gaining something new. And while I can't wait and am so excited over the gaining something new that I should've always had. I am scared to lose something I've had so long.
This fear would be the same if it were a foot, a finger, an ear, whatever. Just the thought of part of my body no longer being there. Regardless of the awesome new parts. I think a lot of this comes from things I've seen on TV and movies. The stories you here about people losing body parts and what it feels like. Just freaks me out some. Well freaks me out a lot.
The other part of the fear comes from the fear that what I end up with might not work. I mean what I have has always worked really well. Well... up until last May/June. It's starting to shut down at this point. Hard to get it to function anymore. But the point is what if I can never enjoy sex again? I mean I know I'd enjoy it more with the "correct" parts. But just scared if they don't function. But I know this is an unfounded fear based on nothing whatsoever. I know several patients of Dr. Bowers and they're all super happy and all their parts work just fine. I've never seen or heard of a single person not being happy. I've heard of no real stories that would make me think anything other than it will be a great success.
Another thing that messed me up at first is the fact that I never expected to be nervous. I've had 13 operations because of my Crohn's Disease and the related complications. So what's one more? I've even said that many times to many people, speaking engagements, family, friends. I always figured, no big deal, why worry? I've wanted this for decades, I've had operations, I'm used to this. But I'm still scared.
In the end, what I've come to realize is basically I'm a dumbass. I don't know why I have to always think so much. That's what really happened. Whether I was awake, half asleep, whether it was a nightmare or just a really vivid mental image, don't know. Facts that remain is I still want the operation more than anything just like I always have. I'm still going to do it and no force on this planet will stop me. And yes, I'm scared to death. But, like I always say, "It is what it is." In the end I KNOW it will be fine and I will be happier than I've ever been or could ever imagine.
Moral of the story? Just fucking chill! lol
First off, I FREAKED. When I say freaked, you have NO idea. Near as I can figure I must've been half asleep. Because it's blurry in parts and it happened abruptly as if I woke up. What I know is I was thinking, dreaming, not sure which, about the actual day of surgery. I was imagining and visualizing all too well myself going in and getting the IV hooked up and heart monitors and those tight socks and hair net and all this. And just the thought of me about to go unconscious and wake up with different parts. I freaked. I was suddenly horrified. I mean I never felt such utter terror. So it's at this point I figure I fully woke up. Because I remember opening my eyes, having thought I was just laying there awake thinking, and I was suddenly faint, soaked in a cold, clammy sweat, and my heart was leaping out of my chest. I started thinking things like, "omg I can't go through this, I'm scared, what am I doing, what am I going to do, omg". This is when I started the above chain of talking to people.
My initial thought was that I was awake thinking, visualized it, got scared of losing parts and freaked and because I freaked I got scared and questioned my gender for the first time in 20+ years. But then I did talk to those people. And I did think about it. And I did go over it a thousand times in my head and I realized what's really going on. It's not gender related fear at all. I still want the surgery more than anything in the world and have no doubts or hesitations about that. The fear is just from "it" not being there. Yeah I want it gone, of course. But, it has been there 39+ years. The thought of it not being there makes me a bit faint. And I have been told a couple times that it's not really gone but turned inside out. And yes, it is still there technically but that's not how my brain is processing it. In my head I'm seeing it more as losing what i have and gaining something new. And while I can't wait and am so excited over the gaining something new that I should've always had. I am scared to lose something I've had so long.
This fear would be the same if it were a foot, a finger, an ear, whatever. Just the thought of part of my body no longer being there. Regardless of the awesome new parts. I think a lot of this comes from things I've seen on TV and movies. The stories you here about people losing body parts and what it feels like. Just freaks me out some. Well freaks me out a lot.
The other part of the fear comes from the fear that what I end up with might not work. I mean what I have has always worked really well. Well... up until last May/June. It's starting to shut down at this point. Hard to get it to function anymore. But the point is what if I can never enjoy sex again? I mean I know I'd enjoy it more with the "correct" parts. But just scared if they don't function. But I know this is an unfounded fear based on nothing whatsoever. I know several patients of Dr. Bowers and they're all super happy and all their parts work just fine. I've never seen or heard of a single person not being happy. I've heard of no real stories that would make me think anything other than it will be a great success.
Another thing that messed me up at first is the fact that I never expected to be nervous. I've had 13 operations because of my Crohn's Disease and the related complications. So what's one more? I've even said that many times to many people, speaking engagements, family, friends. I always figured, no big deal, why worry? I've wanted this for decades, I've had operations, I'm used to this. But I'm still scared.
In the end, what I've come to realize is basically I'm a dumbass. I don't know why I have to always think so much. That's what really happened. Whether I was awake, half asleep, whether it was a nightmare or just a really vivid mental image, don't know. Facts that remain is I still want the operation more than anything just like I always have. I'm still going to do it and no force on this planet will stop me. And yes, I'm scared to death. But, like I always say, "It is what it is." In the end I KNOW it will be fine and I will be happier than I've ever been or could ever imagine.
Moral of the story? Just fucking chill! lol
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