"There is no spoon..."
My life... Just wow. What to say, where to begin.
I've been through so much stuff in my life that I can't help but stop and think wow. I mean I could tell you stories, and usually do, about my past, places I've been, things I've seen and done. I can't even believe it. It seems like a dream. The memories so clear yet so... detached from who I am now. Sometimes I wonder, is this all a dream? We've all seen The Matrix, Inception, and so many others. Will I wake up? Would I want to? How could so many wild and diverse, amazing and terrifying, fun and painful experiences have possibly happened to me? I mean I'm no one special really. Sure you can say, "everyone's special". But honestly, I have what to show for any of it? Not meaning wealth, not meaning fame, not meaning anyone to leave anything behind to. But just basic things, like I don't even have many pics of my friends or my past other than the fading memories in my head. How do I know they really happened? At times I think maybe I am insane. I mean really insane. How would I know? Then a friend from the past comes along and reminds me of part of a story that I had forgotten. Or I share with them a past story and they remember it. And I feel somehow validated briefly. And then I realize how much I love my friends. And how without them I would be nothing. None of those stories or experiences would matter.
But, what if it's not real? What if none of it is real? I've been very sick throughout my life. I've had 13 operations. I've been code blue 3x... that I know of... What if? Could I be in a coma? Could all of the last year or two that has been so amazing and seems so different and detached from the rest of my life be a dream? There's no way to prove it and I hate not knowing!
Then I think back to those stories...
Giving my dad a black-eye with a rattle at age 4 or 5. Getting bit by the dog I loved because I startled it. Freaking out the first few days of kindergarten. Growing up backstage with my mom as she sang operas across South Florida. Having my maternal granddad make paper hats and watch Hee Haw with me while my mom flew off to sing elsewhere. Getting my first girl friend in kindergarten. Feeling so outcast through school. Living for my comic books (Avengers!) and my cartoons (Robotech!). Roleplaying with my friends (AD&D, Mechwarrior, Shadowrun). Playing Asteroids and Space Invaders with my mom at 4am on our Atari 2600. Trying to adjust my old Coleco crap to not flip with vertical and horizontal hold. Getting Super Mario Bros. on my NES. Gameboy. Drawing. Music. Singing in chorus. Waiting for endless hours as my maternal grandma had surgery and I spent 18 hours alone in a waiting room 5+ days a week for nearly a year. Watching my great grandma die. Spending time with my mom and my grandma at her house where she rented apartments and a car lot and a store. Traveling with my dad, aunt and paternal grandparents to Cozumel, Aruba, Columbia, Panama, Cancun, Jamaica, Bahamas, Keys, San Blas, so many other places. Traveling with my mom and either my dad or one of my mom's 2 boyfriends to every state east of the Mississippi River. Seeing the Empire State Building, DC, Niagra Falls, Dollywood, Disney World, EPCOT, Six Flags over Georgia, Nashville, Graceland, Smithsonian, Maggie Valley, Smoky Mountains, so many other places.
Then hitting puberty and having my whole world turn upside down. Rebelling insanely. My first job. Stealing my first pack of cigs. Getting drunk, a LOT. Hardly ever showing up for school. Still got straight A+ in math, A in science, A in computers, and failed pretty much everything else. Doing acid well over 100 times. Losing control of everything. Being engaged. Graduating high school, barely, with a final report card showing AFAFAFA they let me graduate by promising I'd go to college. Went to college, just long enough to cancel classes and get the money back to use for drugs. Concerts, clubs, chaos. Moving out to live with my best friend, my fiance (don't assume that word means a guy...), his girlfriend and their kid (bad idea). First boyfriend. Living in a trailer through hurricane Andrew, the one that leveled the South East U.S. Being diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Staying out for days at a time. Sleeping in the rain in the park. Moving back home to my mom's. Having fights with my mom and her ex boyfriend. Getting into 120 mph car chases with my mom and her boyfriend waving guns out the window and my friends ducking on the floor while we jumped the median (air time). Starting to steal and getting way too far into drugs. Second engagement epic fail (took 15 years to get over this one). Health deteriorating. Chaos continues. Worked as cashier, cook, assistant manager, wholesale perfume, retail, sanitation, city hall, drug dealer. Started smoking crack. Started stealing for crack. Had sex for crack. 18 months high ($500-$1k/day habit). Quit everything cold turkey one day no help just like that. Cut ties with all friends.
Joined Starfleet, the International Star Trek Fan Association. Joined the U.S.S. Triumph. Became Chief Science officer an rose to rank of Lt. Commander. Started the Teirysas South Florida Chapter of the Bajoran Alliance. Started doing conventions like crazy. Got back in touch with the geek gamer side of myself. Went overboard. Started playing Magic the Gathering. It took over from the Trek stuff. Then started playing EverQuest which took over all my time from everything else. Played non stop for years, literally. And am in fact still playing 13 years later. Started getting super sick. Ended up in the hospital a lot. Couldn't get disability. Lost my last job. Stopped hanging out. Stopped talking to everyone. Hid in my house for nearly 10 years. Only leaving to go to a doctor or hospital or on rare occasion to my dad's. Slowly lost friends till there were only 4 left. And I only saw them if they visited me in the hospital. Had my first surgery. Ended up with an colostomy bag for 2.5 years. Refused to go out in public after a humiliating incident I will never forget. Finally got disability. Had colostomy reversed. Had more surgeries. 13 operations and 3 code blues later. No large intestine anymore, less than all of the small intestine. No bellybutton anymore either for that matter. Scars everywhere. Had a second colostomy for 6 months. Had a wound vac for 3 months. Had IV feeding (nothing to eat or drink by mouth at all) for 6 months. Ended up with TMJ, OCD, Osteoarthritis, Uveitis, Tinnitus, Audio Processing Disorder, Low Bone Density, bad lower back, insomnia, chronic fatigue, anxiety, mood swings, failing eyesight, and more. Many meds later, nothing worked. No approved or experimental meds were working at all. Then, by accident in Feb. 2010 I ended up on 2 meds that hadn't worked separately but apparently work together. And though not in remission my Crohn's became stable getting no better or worse.
A full year passed, feeling better but having no life left except my online games and my 4 friends (Norma, Jeff, Pat, and George). No money, disabled, living with my mom, crappy car, and not a lot of hope.
Then, one day, in early 2011, my best friend Norma calls me to tell me she ran into an old friend that knows someone else that's a therapist and takes my insurance and such. So I was like, ok, cool. That therapist introduced me to three people that day. A doctor, an activist and an educator. Those three people led me to the TRUE Group, the Yes Institute and other doctors. In the middle of this several of my old friends, long forgotten, some for 10 years, some for nearly 20, started to slowly return into my life. Those few really good friends from my past who meant so much to me. The ones that made it through the sex, drugs and rock and roll years like myself. All popping back into my life out of the blue. Even my dad and I became closer than we ever have. And he gave me his old car! And in a mad crazy snowball effect I can't even explain the last year has been EPIC. Legendary, brilliant, fantastic, and amazing.
And so here I am now, 2012, only 1 year later. And I'm not the same person I was. All of that I typed above is like a fading distant memory. I don't feel like I did a year ago, about anything. Even my tastes in food, clothes, and everything else changed. My goals are changed, well, actually I have goals now and never even had any before so not sure if that's what one might call "changed". I have PURPOSE! I have IDENTITY! I have an intense sense of PRIDE! And I'm HAPPY! Crazy uncontrollably happy! Like I've never been before or even believed was possible without lots of illegal substances. I've easily got over 50 friends at least half of which I talk to regularly and the number is growing rapidly. I've been taking classes because I actually want to learn stuff. I'm speaking, in front of people, about my life. And trying to educate others on the topics of gender and orientation. I seem to be busy all day every day. I have more things to do than I have time for. Friends, heck even strangers, keep telling me I'm motivational, inspirational, beautiful and they love me. I've NEVER had anything like this happen before, it's overwhelming, it's intoxicating, it's more than words can explain. All my life I've felt like such a wreck and disappointment to myself, my friends and family. I've done so much wrong I felt like there was no hope for so very long. I felt so old, like it was too late, like it was all over. And now I feel like I've just started. People are seeing me and treating me differently than I have ever been treated before and I can't get enough of it. I love my friends and family so much right now for being there for me through all this that I feel the love and emotion bursting from me like a physical tangible force emanating from me like light from a bulb. As I sit here crying with joy as I type this. There's no way I can ever repay them for, thank them for, or even explain to them, how much they have done for me to get me where I am right now. I feel... lighter, physically lighter. Like gravity doesn't feel like it's having the same effect on me it use to.
And so I lay here typing this unbelievably long post. Crying like a baby again cause I seem to do that a lot these days. Wondering, how can this be? How can things really be so great right now despite having no money, barely scraping by day-to-day not even knowing how I will afford gas, food, or how my mom and I can possibly afford bills that are greater than our combined income. So how can things be so great? It all makes no sense logically.
So how can any of this really be happening? Am I going to wake up? I've never been one to have fear of anything. After all I've been through fear is irrelevant. But I'm scared that this is just too good to be true lately. Maybe it is a dream? Maybe I'm in a coma? I wish I could prove it, but nothing I do and nothing anyone else says or does can prove to me that this isn't all just a dream. Anymore than I can prove that my past actually happened to me when it all feels so very far away. If it's a dream I'm afraid to wake up because I've never been so happy or felt so good in my life. Even with all those drugs and things I've done. And I owe all of it to my friends and family... who may just be figments of my imagination... But I love them just the same, with all my heart, more than any of them will ever know.
I take the blue pill...
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I don't usually post stuff like this on my blog but this is rubbish. Trump needs to go suck it. I'm so damn annoyed over the ignorance and discrimination involved in this decision. Please take the time to sign this and end the stupidity. She not only deserves to compete she deserves to win!