Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Title I Wanted for This Post Had Too Much Profanity to Share via Social Media

6:30 a.m.  I can't sleep.  I've been in such an awful mood for weeks.  And last night went to sleep crying.  Again.  In the last couple weeks I've lost all motivation to do anything.  I've blown off doctor appointments, laser hair removal, meds, shots, plans, haven't been answering friends' phone calls texts or messages, slept through a support group meeting, blew off a speaking engagement, and generally have this feeling of giving up on life.  I'm not even sure where it's all stemming from.  My girlfriend feels similarly the last few weeks.  It's been awful.

In the process of my being upset I've pissed off a number of people from my parents to my ex-best friend refriended and now unfriended again; Norma, and everyone in between.  Everything has been getting on my nerves.  I feel like the world is against me.  Every time I even try to do something it blows up in my face.  My girlfriend in her depressed state hasn't wanted to do anything but be left alone.  I on the other hand only want nothing but to do things with her right now, which then only leads to more issues.  I'm so fed up with every other aspect of my life and frankly fed up with most everyone else IN my life too!

Every time I seek out a friend for advice they say something that ends up upsetting me more because they don't fully understand all the variables and things going on and it's far too much to explain.  Only Jennavi and I really know all the shit we go through day to day.

I know this post is probably going to just come up as random gibberish since I'm doing it 3/4 asleep at now almost 7:00 a.m.  I wish I could think a bit more clearly.  I wish I could just give up on life.

Just feeling so short tempered, fed up, and annoyed.

I wake up most days and feel compelled by the grief I get to stay in bed and be quiet.  At my house, from my dad every time I walk out my room and see him I get yelled at and harassed and threatended.  At her house, her family is loud and wakes me up early enough to hear them fighting and yelling at each other making me afraid to leave the bedroom.  So it's no win at either place.  Follow that with my 50ish% chance of finding out that I shit my panties, pj's and probably the bed due to my Crohn's Disease flaring up the last several months from stress.  So there, the day starts out awful.  Add to that the fact that if it's my house I wake up in a puddle of sweat because my dad refuses to believe that every room in the house is not the same temperature and it's 82-84 degrees in here every fucking day I wake up.  If it's her house I usually wake up freezing and shaking.  From there I'm usually in such a crappy mood that I'm at that point of canceling whatever plans I had for the day.  (My dad JUST came up and turned the air hotter again while typing this!)  Then after I'm good and depressed I try to do something with my girlfriend who doesn't want to do anything because when she gets upset she doesn't want to do stuff with me where I'm the exact opposite.  So now I'm even more upset.  This is about the time I get a text or call from my mom or some friend making me feel even more like shit.

So now it's a few hours later and my day has already gone to hell.  About this point I try to salvage the day by planning out food.  Which generally makes me feel worse because we're too broke to eat anything but fucking rice packets and asian rice noodles (aka more pricey ramen).  Now I'm upset, depressed, hungry, broke and all bent out shape.

So then night rolls around and I either watch one of my two TV shows I watch or try to play Magic or go to 2nd Thursday night of the month support group or some shit.  Magic ends up pissing me off almost EVERY time due to some cards that frankly make the game unfair.  TV shows end.  And the last few times I actually made it to my support group I was made to feel like shit and nearly walked out and was brought to near tears.

Now it's late night, I'm hurt, crying, upset, mad at people I call friends, infuriated by parents, panicked over no money.  AND then I get to either dilate (which has still been incredibly painful and uncomfortable) and possible even do my weekly shots that hurt and make me possible cry or scream.  So now I've lost any hopes of having sex because even if we were both still in the mood (which after a day full of bullshit; is rare) I wouldn't even be able to enjoy it being so depressed.

Then I cry myself to sleep for any one of a dozen reasons, holding my girlfriend knowing she's the only thing left that makes me happy.

And I wake up the next day to the same shit all over again.  I'm tired, I'm old, I'm worn out.  A very large part of me wants to unfriend everyone and disconnect my phone and quit everything and give up on even trying.  Jennavi is the only reason I keep going (despite my parents and friends that think she's the reason I'm unmotivated, sad and depressed when in fact it's the exact opposite way around cause she's the only thing that brings me any happiness anymore).  And due to several things that have happened in her life recently she's not really emotionally available to be there for me most of the time.  She's been too screwed up herself.

And then people have the nerve to pass judgment on me and us.  I get put down for not wanting to try and do this or that.  Or bitched at for missing something I really didn't have the willpower to go to.  Or worse yet, criticized for playing games and shit to try and forget how miserable my life is.  I wish I had it in me to delete my facebook account and turn my phone off but I just can't bring myself to do it no matter how much I want to cut off the world at this point.

I don't know how much of any of this makes sense.  I'm just sort of in rambling, 7am, can't sleep, rage fit mode.  I'm tired of people trying to pass judgment on me.  I'm sick of people kicking me when I'm down.  I'm sick of people in general.  I'm in a shitty mood.

I'm going to try to sleep again.  I love you Jennavi.  Everyone else though is on shaky ground.

I'm sure instead of people understanding how upset I've been and giving me time and space I'll end up having people bitch me out, unfriend me, and give me god awful advice like EVERY OTHER TIME I share my feelings.  Whatever... done.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

"Life... Don't talk to me about life."

Ten days ago I posted a very short video to commemorate my one year anniversary since surgery.  I mentioned that I'd do a more detailed update on my blog later.  Well... here it is.

I am frustrated and unhappy.  It's been a year of chaos and difficulty for me.  Upon returning from California and my surgery I felt very agitated about returning to my old life.  Within 36 hours of returning I realized I couldn't stand living at my mom's house anymore.  So I up and moved everything in a frantic rage at 2am to my dad's house.  Something I swore I would never do.

Since then my relationship with my mom has deteriorated even further.  My mom was always a very important part of my life growing up.  Whenever anything else happened, medical, emotional, whatever, she was always there.  For 17 years she knew and seemingly accepted my transition.  Until I began my medical transition.  Even then she tried.  But after I came back from surgery nothing was ever the same.  We barely talk now and it hurts a lot.  She's told me several times how she is done with me, doesn't want me in her life anymore and hates "what" I've become.  Like I'm some sort of "thing".  Over the last couple months we have hardly spoken.  Last few times I went over to her house ended with her either calling the police or pushing me away when I tried to give her a hug.  She now says that having me was the biggest mistake of her life

As for my dad.  Who was the biggest supporter throughout my transition, he is nothing but hostile to me all the time now.  He continuously tells me how much he regrets helping me with surgery and that it was the biggest mistake of his life.  He seems to have had himself convinced that surgery would fix everything.  And that after that I should just be happy all the time.  And that is not reality.

As for the surgery itself, I've had a hell of a time adjusting.  It's better and more comfortable when it comes to every day things like showering, sitting, wearing clothes, etc.  But sex is not what it used to be.  Which has been EXTREMELY rough for a sex addict who used to masturbate on average five times a day.  Dilation is a nightmare.  It's painful, time consuming, ruins the mood for sex, and generally sucks.  I've had issues healing cause of my Crohn's and every time I dilate I can still feel the skin ripping apart from where it's healed since last time.  I can't begin to tell you how over this whole thing I am.  And there's nothing I can do.  I'm forced to deal with this every day of my life forever.  It's brought me to tears more than a few times.  It's NOT all it's hyped up to be and not as great as I had expected.  And that's the real truth.

For a year I've felt like I couldn't truly express how I feel cause people have looked up to me.  Been so happy for me and so proud that I had the strength to go through it.  But the reality is it sucks!  It looks good, it works I suppose, but the maintenance is more than I can handle.  But how was I supposed to ever say anything when I have a whole community expecting me to talk about it like it's so great and I'm so lucky?

All of these things left me feeling pretty damaged, short tempered, hostile and alone.  In an attempt to prove to myself how great it is I slept around a lot after surgery.  With other transwomen, with a cisgendered male friend, transman friend, etc.  It seemed great but the reality is I was trying to make it seem better than it was.

My posts on facebook that people used to like, read, comment on, and often look forward to, diminished and became more and more negative.  I lost several close friends, and still have people unfriending me every week on facebook.

Then the one truly good and happy thing in the last year happened.  My current girlfriend asked me out.  It was so unexpected.  And it's been wonderful.  I've never been happier in a relationship.  But because of this image I made for myself, people rejected our relationship as a bad idea.  I mean, how can a pansexual, polyamorous, blah blah blah whatever possibly be happy in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship right?  WRONG!  Just because someone is attracted to all gender identities and body types does not mean they can't be in a committed relationship with one specific person.  And furthermore, just because someone is polyamorous and loves multiple people does NOT mean that they can't decide to be in a monogamous relationship.  You can love multiple people without having sex with all of them.  And despite how happy we've been the damage was already done before.

My dad keeps spouting off this rubbish that "it won't last", "too big of an age difference", I'm "with someone different every other month".  My mom feels the same way apparently.  As do some of my closest friends.  All those people that SHOULD be happy for me.   That should support my relationship.  They make me feel like shit for being happy.

And then to make matters worse, I tried to talk about my happiness.  I tried to share how great things were.  But apparently that was somehow wrong.  Because all my miserable friends, yes, you lot reading this right now, complained behind my back.  I ended up having people come to me saying that our mutual friends approached them asking how to block my posts.  Apparently my sharing my happiness upset people or something.  So I stopped.  Stopped posting on facebook, stopped sharing my thoughts and opinions.  Eventually stopped doing blog entries, video blogs, even stopped talking to most people.

When I tried to come back to the internet and social media though no one cared anymore.  All those local organizations that had asked me to speak had stopped asking.  No one was inviting me to events or to share my story.  No one wanted to hear anything I had to say anymore.  I tried to force myself back on one or two organizations.  Spoke a couple times.  But it wasn't the same.  And I feel like I'm lying to everyone when I speak and tell the story of how great surgery went and how much better everything is.  When it's really not.

I post things on facebook and no one reads them anymore.  No one sends me messages hardly ever.  No one likes my posts anymore.  Well, very rarely.  And it's even more rare that anyone comments.  I feel like no one even cares what's happened to me this last year.  I have a LONG list of friends that always give me this "I don't have time for them anymore." speech.  But I don't see any of them calling or messaging me.  Why is it up to me to contact everyone?  You all say I never call, I never talk, I don't care anymore, I don't have time for you anymore.  I call BULLSHIT on everyone!  Because I don't see ANY of you trying to call or contact me!  Does everyone feel they can't call or talk to me because I'm in a relationship?  Because that's rubbish and on ALL of you.  Because I'm here.  I respond.  I do care about my friends.  But I definitely feel like my friends don't care about me.

I've had an awful few days where friends have made me feel like I have fucking leprosy for having a cold. I feel like everything I do, say, whatever is wrong.  I feel like I even get blamed for being sick!  And I am sick, sick of all the drama and bullshit in my life.

I'm officially through with the so-called "community".  I'm over all of it.  I AM in a happy and wonderful relationship and anyone that has issues with that can screw themselves.  And I will post whatever the hell I want.  If anyone still has issues, there's the proverbial door (unfriend button).  I never asked to be a role model or person of importance in the community.  And I don't want to be anymore.  I'm done.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Saturday, May 11, 2013


Another two months have passed since I last posted on my blog.  I did a few vids on YouTube that I meant to link and forgot.  But I wanted to make a brief post about something great.

I've always been an overly emotional person.  Most of my friends know I'm an empath and can not only sense their emotions (often times sensing feelings they aren't even consciously aware of), but I can also very easily change the moods of those around me when I've got my own emotions under control.

My whole life I have had a really hard time dealing with emotions.  Both the good and the bad.  I'd let one thing going wrong build up in my head until I was in an out of control freak out mode thinking that my whole life was screwed up.  On the flip side, if something really awesome would happen I would focus on it and let everything else fall apart and not care.  Blowing off all the normal stuff to either only focus on those really great moments or dwell on the really awful ones.

I always viewed life as one long line.  A chain of events.  A rollercoaster going up and down but always going where I had no control over the ride.  But that's not right.  Well, not right for me at least.

About a week ago a very close and dear friend, who also lets his emotions get the best of him when things go really bad or really great, explained to me his thought process around this topic.  And his coping mechanism.  See, life is not one long line you're traveling down.  But rather a huge collection of separate dots.  Each dot is one moment.  And just because that one moment is bad doesn't mean it has to make every moment after it bad.  Because they aren't directly connected if you don't let them be.  The bad moment will pass.  As soon as I feel a bad mood coming, that second when I realize things have happened that are going to upset me I stop and tell myself I'm having a bad moment and it will pass.  Then I focus on all those great moments I already have planned in the near future.  And suddenly I feel better.  I feel ok.  The bad moment passes really quickly.  And the reality that I've realized from doing this is that there are FAR more good moments than there are bad.  Like a hundred times more!  But I was always letting that one bad moment escalate and dominate everything else until it made several potentially happy moments suck as well.

On the other hand, when those really good moments happen, don't get sucked in!  That's also when I have to tell myself, yes, I'm having a super amazing moment right now, and as much as I would love it to last forever, it's not going to.  So I stay in that moment fully and enjoy it as much as I can and revel in that moment while I have it.  Knowing that this happy moment will one day be part of the moments I remember when I'm having a bad moment.  But when it passes, it's gone.  And it's just a matter of accepting that that amazing moment that made you happier than ever before is over, and it will never come again.  Other moments equally great or maybe even more so may happen in the future.  But that one is gone.  And life goes on.

It seems like such a simple concept when you step back and look at it.  But it can be difficult to get used to.  But having done this for a week successfully I can say that was the least dramatic, most laid back, fun, and just overall chill week EVER!  I feel so motivated now about the future.  I feel like my last big hurdle (myself) has been dealt with.  Sure, there's other stuff, there's other issues to deal with.  But overall, I feel really good about life and my future right now.  I have many plans for my future in the works right now and have started several new things lately.

"Goddess is good, life is great, and people are crazy." - rephrased a quote from a friend.

Keep an eye on my blog in the near future for an upcoming video I'm doing.  I've decided to take my crazy life story and just share all of it in an hour video that I hope to be able to add still photos to as well.  I have to teach myself how to do that.  It will be for my 40th bday and my 8 months since surgery.  And in there I intend to share everything!  Like all those good and bad and flat out crazy things I've seen done and been through.  I've been so many places, done so much, seen so much.  Everyone knows bits and pieces but no one knows everything.  Going to put it together and wrap it up and end it.  And then begin life anew, at 40, starting a whole new story.  :-)

Monday, March 11, 2013

The Tale of a Pink Duckie

A lot of things happen at PrideFest. Food, fun, music, information, shopping, and of course people watching. But this is the tale of a pink duckie.

With all the drama leading up to PrideFest and other things going on in my life I was just going to let this go and not comment about it. I figured I'd mention it at the next TRUE Group meeting. But after sobering up and sleeping on it I feel I was really not treated equally. At an event that's supposed to be about equality. At that moment, I was pretty buzzed and saw a shiny object and wanted it. Let me explain.

About 4pm, cool breeze, beautiful day. Day two of PrideFest at Holiday Park and War Memorial Auditorium in Ft. Lauderdale in full effect. I'm already on my second yard of frozen margarita with extra floater shot of tequila. Feeling pretty good physically, kind of emotionally bleh. Doing the walk through of the event to sign petitions, shop, sightsee. On a table at a tent with only a couple elderly ladies is a small pink duck. With a breast cancer ribbon on it. All pink and cute. I wanted it. I do not know why, but I really wanted it. So over I go. I don't call it staggering, but rather swaying in the wind. My brain had immediately acknowledged that the duck was for breast cancer but hadn't really connected that to the tent and everything else. So in my mind I still had no clue what the tent itself was about.

So now I'm standing there looking about the table. It's still not sunk in yet. So I ask the lady that greets me, "What do I have to do to get a pink duckie?" It was at this point I realized it was a breast cancer awareness thing and now I suddenly go from flaky buzzed I want a duckie mode to actually paying attention and wanting to know stuff.

See, since surgery I've had more than a few moments where I felt like I didn't know enough about my body anymore. I already asked doctors, friends, and family a ton of questions. I'd also signed up for an event called "Hoo-hoos, Coochies and Treasure Chests: An open discussion of Vaginal Health." I feel like I'm lacking 40 years worth of life experience and knowledge around my new parts. I probably feel that way because that's the way it is! I need to know more! I've had a lot of medical issues and 13 surgeries, and code blue three times and all of these horrific procedures and things. I am all about learning this sort of stuff.

Ok, so now I'm far less interested in the duckie and much more interested in what they have to teach me. She responds by telling me I can have a duckie if I learn how to do a breast exam and then gives me a piece of paper... I looked at it, read it. Was like ok... This is when I first sensed that she was giving off this I don't want to be bothered by you aura. I then started asking questions. First was if breast exams or mammograms were different or if there was anything different I need to do with implants. I got a rather reluctant explanation that it's more difficult with implants and that some doctors do MRI's instead of mammograms. So I felt like I learned something right there. I went on to explain that I've been through a lot of medical problems and just recently had my surgery and feel like I don't know enough and want to learn more because if anything were to happen I don't think I could handle it. She just sat there giving me this uncomfortable look. They had these breast form model things there with lumps inside to feel to try and learn. I had to do it myself, she didn't explain what to do or anything. I felt awkward even doing it with her and now her two friends, sitting there clearly giving me the brush off.

The uncomfortable awkwardness eventually overtook my quest for knowledge and I just wanted to leave there. This is when I gave up trying to learn and asked, "Can I have a duckie now?" She replied, "yes, you can have a duck." In an obviously annoyed tone. And I quickly left their table to continue my day.

So their entire purpose there was to teach people how to do a self breast exam and hand out fliers. I did not learn much beyond what the fliers that I had to pick up myself told me. I can't help but leave feeling it was a "lesbian women discriminating against transwomen" thing. Whether it was or not who knows. I got the pink duckie though!