Thursday, May 24, 2012

Hurting SO Much, So VERY Much

I NEED to say something, but I don't know how.  I don't know that I can, if I can, or how or what to say.  So many things have happened in such a short period of time.  I've been back-stabbed repeatedly, had my heart broken, patched, broken, patched, broken, crushed, demolished, and obliterated.  At this point I'm pushing past the pain and sadness and heartache and starting to feel nothing but bitterness and anger, and I can feel that shell crusting over my heart again.  I gave so much to so many.  To friends, to groups, to the community, to those I love.  And all I've gotten was pain.  Yeah, there were a few fun times along the way but that just makes everything hurt that much more.  I feel like I've lost so much right now.  I've compromised my very being, everything I am has been compromised.  I know it sounds cryptic, but I can't even share my problems, I can't even vent.  Too many lies, too many secrets, too many confidences I can't break.  So many involved think it's just one issue.  But the truth is there's many issues.  There's more lies and deception than most of the people involved realize.  I'm not sure who knows what at this point or what to do about any of it.  Right now though, I've lost a brother, I've lost friends, I've lost those I truly love.  Not even sure the extent of everything or the end result of all that's happened yet.  I know most around me think I'm pathetic, a joke, weak, desperate, confused, etc.  Truth be told, I'm pretty clear on the whole situation right now.  Masks have been removed and I see everyone for who and what they are.  I'm devastated by all of it.

And I can't even get help.  I call one therapist, that's supposed to specialize in this and works with my other doctors, but they don't take my insurance.  I called Sunserve got transfered 3x then put on hold, AFTER having told the first 2 people that I was in crisis and needed a therapist.  And no one has called back, over 3 hours now.  I called my insurance, the behaviour health portion, and they could not find a therapist on the plan that specialized in the topics I need within 50 miles.  Based on that they were willing to work outside the box and make an exception and call the first therapist, Dr. Alvarez, and work with her.  I called her office back to tell them this and they said no, they can't and/or won't do that.  I told them I'm in crisis and I can't find anyone else, please help, and again was told sorry, either I"d have to be a cash patient (which I clearly can't) or else find someone else or go to the ER.  I'm like fuck you, I can't go to the ER with mental health issues, they'll lock me up and make me want to kill myself instead of helping.  I've gone through 2 local resource lists and called every therapist and either they don't take insurance, don't take mine, can't help for one reason or another.  And the ONE therapist I could talk to I can't because she's directly involved in the situation and I apparently already told her more than I should have at this point.

What gets me is that I call these places, clearly distraught, clearly in tears, clearly hurting, and these places and people that are supposed to be there to help people like me in these situations just shoot me down and toss me aside.  I understand now why the suicide rate is so high around people with gender and orientation issues.  This is an outrage.  And now thanks to the insurance and other things I've gone from hurting, to just anger, rage, and frustration.  They not only didn't help but they've made me worse!  FUCK THERAPISTS, FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL!!!  THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES THAT CARE ONLY ABOUT THEIR BANKROLL AND NOT THOSE IN NEED.  FUCK THEM ALL THEY CAN ALL BURN IN HELL!!!  IT'S THEIR FAULT PEOPLE LIKE ME SPIN OUT OF CONROL, CAUSE THERE'S NO HELP AVAILABLE WHEN IT'S REALLY NEEDED.  I was right originally when I said I don't need a damn therapist.  This is why I've gone without one for the last several months since I left my last therapist that never listened to a thing I said and only cared if my insurance was still paying or not.  I'm done, I need no one.  I'm not going to let the search for a god damn therapist bring me more grief and aggravation than I already have.

I'm going to meditate, I'm going outside somewhere in nature, I'll let the Earth take my pain, and the Wind guide my heart.  The Goddess is the only therapist I need.  Nature understands and listens, and doesn't give a fuck about what insurance I have!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Blog, Yeah, Right, Knew That... (a.k.a. Still Alone)

So I'm supposed to be blogging about things now.  And yet I'm still slacking.  I know I've meant to!  And most of the long important posts have still ended up on facebook instead.  Let's see, hmmmm....

Well, I'm still single, there's that.  Funny how for over a decade I was so sure I was happy alone and destined to be the crazy old cat lady.  I guess I was pretty much asexual for awhile there.  Which, for anyone that "really" knows me from my past, well, yeah...  Then a few months back I realized how much I absolutely HATE being alone.  And part of me wishes I hadn't ever realized that.  Since then all I can think of day and night is that I'm alone and how badly I wish I had someone, anyone.  And no, it's not a sex thing.  In fact it has little to nothing to do with sex.

See, first off, I'm an empath.  I know most people laugh or just flat out don't believe that.  But many people who've known me long enough have seen it happen.  Those times when out of the blue I call or text someone asking what's wrong when they haven't even indicated anything being wrong yet.  All those little things.  But basically I can read and project my emotions.  I'm convinced this is the real reason people seem to always like me "as friends".  I mean, I'm no one special, and my life is crazy, but I've honestly in the last 2 decades especially but throughout my whole life, not met a single person of any age, gender, religion, nationality, etc. that didn't end up liking me.  I mean I don't really get it but it is what it is I guess.

That being said, there's my hormonal issues.  So on top of having always been empathic, now my hormones are all over the map.  So my emotions, good and bad, are frankly overwhelming most of the time.  Now in the last two weeks I've started to learn to deal with this and accept this fact about my existence and am actually starting to like it most of the time.

Big issue though is that I "need" that emotional contact with everyone, it's almost like I feed off of the emotions.  I find it nearly impossible to leave happy situations, hence I'm always the last person to leave everywhere, parties, classes, meetings, it doesn't matter what or where.  It's tough and at times hurts more than physical pain ever could just to leave somewhere I'm happy or having fun knowing that my next stop is being alone.

So I compensate my lack of having someone, ya know, like an actual romantic relationship, with friends, lots of friends, and parties, and going out anywhere and everywhere as much as I can.  Ends up making me look like some out of control party animal and I'm really not.  Again, I just NEED emotions.  Simple fact is I'd give up everything just to have someone to sit by the water with, hold hands, chat and joke, watch the waves, the moon, maybe get rained on, simple little stupid shit like that is all I ever really wanted.

After that last serious relationship so many ages ago and all the out-of-control things I did back in my youth I shut off my emotions for a long time, bad idea by the way.  Now that I realize it wasn't the person I missed but the relationship and emotional connection I missed, I realize how long I wasted alone and not doing all the things in my life I've needed to do.

And so here I am alone, trying to find someone anyway I can.  I feel so desperate, and that's probably because I am...  lol  Seriously, I desperately need to find someone, you can't imagine how much it hurts to be alone as an empath.  I always had someone, girlfriend/boyfriend from literally kindergarten until I was 28ish.  Then a whole decade got flushed down the toilet leading me up to now.  Thing is, I don't know how to find someone.  I never really looked for anyone before.  It just sort of happened, one after the other, for decades.  Now I'm middle-aged, things are so much harder.  I don't know where to go or what to do about it really.

Been trying the online dating thing and I just don't know.  I've met a bunch of people, but, bleh.  I mean, for example, there was one really awesome person that I chatted with for quite awhile and then she asked to talk in person, I said ok, gave my number and never heard back since.  Another one was awesome and just flat out vanished.  Two people I'm still talking to now.  One is so far away (not even in Florida) so it doesn't even matter really cause I flat out can't do that.  But of course we're like online friends now.  Other one I really like, and we seem to have become friends, she's really so awesome from what I can tell, but she's seeing someone (of course).  So as usual, another friend.  I can't imagine that I'd be lucky enough for that to go any further.  Which is fine, cause like I said, she is pretty awesome far as I can tell.  So yeah, I've wasted a lot of time talking to people that vanish and even more time talking to those that became friends and likely won't ever go beyond that.  So the online dating thing not working out so well for me.

In person, yeah, I've tried that.  One woman I was so hung up on for so many weeks.  I thought things were going well, I saw all these signs that seemed to me to be leading to something.  And as usual we became friends, then I find out that she's seeing someone, and it's a guy, and they've been together for a long, long time.  So fail there.  But I made yet another friend.  Which again is great an all, but...

That's just it.  I have so many damn friends, but no one for me ya know?  Like no "significant other".  And it sucks.  Because friends are friends, but then when you're done hanging out they go back to their lives and me mine.  So it's a great distraction going out, partying, hanging out with them all day and night and stuff.  But in the end I'm still alone.  I want someone that when the party is over they're still there for me and me for them.

Hmmm....  This was going to be a blog post about my not having posted on my blog and a recap of the many crazy things this last week.  I "was" gonna talk about my high school reunion, group meeting, party for friend's graduation, gala event at the Hyatt, Avenger's movie, Cinco de Mayo, and all of that but somehow this ended up being all about me being alone again.  *sigh*  I can't even keep a decent blog journal cause all I can think is that I'm so damn alone.  This only hits me when I'm home too.  Hence my staying so busy and always finding someone to pester and hang out with.

Anyway, yeah, just gonna stop there cause I don't wanna get all whiny and depressing sounding.  Next time I'll try to actually blog about what I was going to blog about this time and failed.  lol  But for now, I guess I'll just go back to being alone still...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Blogger vs. Facebook

So it's recently come to my attention that my life is still insane.  So many things have happened over the last 38 years.  I've always wished I had a journal or record.  I've bought many a diary and never get past the first few days.  It's not that I'm not motivated so much as too much happens to have time to write down all that happens.

I've had this blog for some time now and have left it for just silly stuff, top 13 songs for Halloween, pet peeves that are mostly for fun in the name of humor, and those times I really want to say stuff and ramble but inevitably say a whole lot of nothing because I've been holding back and not fully open about everything.

Well, I've decided to seriously take my blog more seriously, like seriously!  lol  Ok, not THAT serious!  This is still me ya know!  I was doing like I've done many times in the past and telling myself, "oh I'll start a journal or diary again for my birthday or next year or for this that or the other".  Well after the week I've had I've decided that right now is the best time to start.

What really made this click in my head.  I've posted a lot of intense stuff on facebook lately.  Real personal revelations.  And where are they?  Scrolled off into history somewhere in facebook's database.  Maybe 2 or 3 people actually read those long posts (being optimistic there probably).  But those posts should have been here, as blog posts, where I'd be able to keep a bit more permanent record of my inane life.

Issue with this?  Having to openly admit a lot of things that not everyone knows.  But it's really past time for this.  So, tomorrow, when I have time, I will post a couple really long, really nice posts about some of the major events that have taken place this week.  And it's my intention to keep this up moving forward.  I think a good deal of why my diaries and journals faded was because I tried to do them in an old fashioned book with a pen like this was the 20th century or something.  I once typed over 60wpm and even with the handicap the internet put upon me by making me type worse and use leet speak everywhere I still type roughly 45wpm.  So I need to embrace the blog.  And I likely need to buy a web cam at some point huh?  Well, that might wait till after I move cause no one wants to see this house.  lmao

Anyway, yeah, all that.  Gotta go for now though, lots to do, lots to do!