Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Title I Wanted for This Post Had Too Much Profanity to Share via Social Media

6:30 a.m.  I can't sleep.  I've been in such an awful mood for weeks.  And last night went to sleep crying.  Again.  In the last couple weeks I've lost all motivation to do anything.  I've blown off doctor appointments, laser hair removal, meds, shots, plans, haven't been answering friends' phone calls texts or messages, slept through a support group meeting, blew off a speaking engagement, and generally have this feeling of giving up on life.  I'm not even sure where it's all stemming from.  My girlfriend feels similarly the last few weeks.  It's been awful.

In the process of my being upset I've pissed off a number of people from my parents to my ex-best friend refriended and now unfriended again; Norma, and everyone in between.  Everything has been getting on my nerves.  I feel like the world is against me.  Every time I even try to do something it blows up in my face.  My girlfriend in her depressed state hasn't wanted to do anything but be left alone.  I on the other hand only want nothing but to do things with her right now, which then only leads to more issues.  I'm so fed up with every other aspect of my life and frankly fed up with most everyone else IN my life too!

Every time I seek out a friend for advice they say something that ends up upsetting me more because they don't fully understand all the variables and things going on and it's far too much to explain.  Only Jennavi and I really know all the shit we go through day to day.

I know this post is probably going to just come up as random gibberish since I'm doing it 3/4 asleep at now almost 7:00 a.m.  I wish I could think a bit more clearly.  I wish I could just give up on life.

Just feeling so short tempered, fed up, and annoyed.

I wake up most days and feel compelled by the grief I get to stay in bed and be quiet.  At my house, from my dad every time I walk out my room and see him I get yelled at and harassed and threatended.  At her house, her family is loud and wakes me up early enough to hear them fighting and yelling at each other making me afraid to leave the bedroom.  So it's no win at either place.  Follow that with my 50ish% chance of finding out that I shit my panties, pj's and probably the bed due to my Crohn's Disease flaring up the last several months from stress.  So there, the day starts out awful.  Add to that the fact that if it's my house I wake up in a puddle of sweat because my dad refuses to believe that every room in the house is not the same temperature and it's 82-84 degrees in here every fucking day I wake up.  If it's her house I usually wake up freezing and shaking.  From there I'm usually in such a crappy mood that I'm at that point of canceling whatever plans I had for the day.  (My dad JUST came up and turned the air hotter again while typing this!)  Then after I'm good and depressed I try to do something with my girlfriend who doesn't want to do anything because when she gets upset she doesn't want to do stuff with me where I'm the exact opposite.  So now I'm even more upset.  This is about the time I get a text or call from my mom or some friend making me feel even more like shit.

So now it's a few hours later and my day has already gone to hell.  About this point I try to salvage the day by planning out food.  Which generally makes me feel worse because we're too broke to eat anything but fucking rice packets and asian rice noodles (aka more pricey ramen).  Now I'm upset, depressed, hungry, broke and all bent out shape.

So then night rolls around and I either watch one of my two TV shows I watch or try to play Magic or go to 2nd Thursday night of the month support group or some shit.  Magic ends up pissing me off almost EVERY time due to some cards that frankly make the game unfair.  TV shows end.  And the last few times I actually made it to my support group I was made to feel like shit and nearly walked out and was brought to near tears.

Now it's late night, I'm hurt, crying, upset, mad at people I call friends, infuriated by parents, panicked over no money.  AND then I get to either dilate (which has still been incredibly painful and uncomfortable) and possible even do my weekly shots that hurt and make me possible cry or scream.  So now I've lost any hopes of having sex because even if we were both still in the mood (which after a day full of bullshit; is rare) I wouldn't even be able to enjoy it being so depressed.

Then I cry myself to sleep for any one of a dozen reasons, holding my girlfriend knowing she's the only thing left that makes me happy.

And I wake up the next day to the same shit all over again.  I'm tired, I'm old, I'm worn out.  A very large part of me wants to unfriend everyone and disconnect my phone and quit everything and give up on even trying.  Jennavi is the only reason I keep going (despite my parents and friends that think she's the reason I'm unmotivated, sad and depressed when in fact it's the exact opposite way around cause she's the only thing that brings me any happiness anymore).  And due to several things that have happened in her life recently she's not really emotionally available to be there for me most of the time.  She's been too screwed up herself.

And then people have the nerve to pass judgment on me and us.  I get put down for not wanting to try and do this or that.  Or bitched at for missing something I really didn't have the willpower to go to.  Or worse yet, criticized for playing games and shit to try and forget how miserable my life is.  I wish I had it in me to delete my facebook account and turn my phone off but I just can't bring myself to do it no matter how much I want to cut off the world at this point.

I don't know how much of any of this makes sense.  I'm just sort of in rambling, 7am, can't sleep, rage fit mode.  I'm tired of people trying to pass judgment on me.  I'm sick of people kicking me when I'm down.  I'm sick of people in general.  I'm in a shitty mood.

I'm going to try to sleep again.  I love you Jennavi.  Everyone else though is on shaky ground.

I'm sure instead of people understanding how upset I've been and giving me time and space I'll end up having people bitch me out, unfriend me, and give me god awful advice like EVERY OTHER TIME I share my feelings.  Whatever... done.