Saturday, October 13, 2012

First Video / Last Video

To Put Into Words That Which Can Not Be...

I'm desperately wanting to post something.  I'm not sure what though.  I feel so overwhelmed.  To try and put these feelings into words, it's impossible.  I don't know what to say.  But something must be said.

So much in my mind, racing, roaring in my head.  My hormones unbalanced and my body fighting me on every turn.  I have no control of my emotions right now and minimal control over anything.  Rational thought processes and reasoning are beyond my reach.  My mind makes me question everything.  Am I sane?  Would I know?  Am I right?  What IS right?  Would I know it if I saw it?  And would what I thought was right really be?  What if I'm making a mistake?  Then would everything I've ever done be a mistake?  What if I'm right, but then it goes wrong?  Should I turn left?  Milk or orange juice?

My stomach replaces my heart.  My heart replaces my throat.  Cold air fills my chest cavity as adrenaline races through my veins and down my arms.  My thoughts blur.  Vision goes black.  Am I fainting?  Is it a heart attack?  Is everyone else right?  Will I be ok?  They all say it's the right thing to do...  I've made so many bad choices.  Am I right to trust my friends who know me better than I myself?  Or is trusting my friends the bad choice in itself?

So much to do.  So much I've done.  To be so near the end and not know anything for sure.  To not know one's future.  To not know ones self.  Do you jump off the cliff just because it feels like the right thing to do?  What if it's not?  Others have jumped and survived and are living life.  Will I be the dumbass that hits a rock on the way down?

Time goes so fast.  Time goes so slow.  At the same time.  All the time.  Time has gone.  Time is over.  But time is just beginning.  Or is it?  Will the world end?  Will I reach my end?  Will it be the final end?  Or is it the End of the Beginning?

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Emotions Making Me Lose Focus

Rough couple days.  Sadly there are some things I can't talk about in specific details on my blog.  As much as I'd love to vent.  Because I don't want to drag others down or say shit about people publicly like that.  What matters is that I've been a hot mess train wreck for over 24 hours.  Just now starting to get my head back on straight.

Short, vague, and anonymous summary.  I was made to feel like total crap, belittled and made to feel less than for no reason whatsoever when I wasn't doing anything wrong, having a good time, minding my own business, just chilling with friends.  I had a friend that helped build up my confidence over the last year and a half by telling me all these great things about what a wonderful person I am.  And then I felt crushed as that person had the nerve to compare me to them.  I mean who the hell does that right?  As different as everyone is, how do you even do that?  My brain can't even wrap itself around this concept.

I was shocked, appalled, blown away by what I was hearing.  Let's just say it was very unexpected.  Especially right then seemingly out of the blue.  After the shock faded I was hurt, crying, crushed.  Then I got mad, pissed, hateful.  Then resentful.  Then I was like who gives a shit anyhow.  And when my emotions settled I thought about it and am like, wait a minute, why am I upset, this person is wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm smarter or prettier.  I'm saying they aren't either.  I'm saying what the fuck basically.  We're soooooo VERY different.  The expression that comes to mind is like comparing apples to oranges.  But it's more than that.  It's like comparing, um, I don't know, like mangos to fried shrimp.  This person has tons of knowledge in many things I know nothing about.  And I have tons of knowledge in many things they don't.  And we're completely different everything physically.  To compare doesn't even make sense.  Like I said before, my brain doesn't even get this.

And now I'm like, this is all so stupid, I can't believe I was upset.  I guess it just hit me how much of a shit I couldn't give what anyone thinks.  Especially when I know how I look and I know what I know and I know my IQ and my life.  Which most people do not.

And that's another thing right there.  Something I've been thinking about recently.  Most people don't know most people that they think they know.  Not at all.  Because you only really ever see your friends when you're hanging out, having fun, at parties and events.  So no one ever sees all the stuff that other people do.  Whether it be their boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, acquaintance, family, whoever.  I mean none of my friends are there when I am going to doctors, grocery store, pharmacy, helping my parents with a million things, cleaning house, cat litter, laundry, when I'm doing yoga, when I go do a speaking engagement, when I spend 7 months fighting with courts and bureaucracy to get legal shit taken care of, when I spend countless hours on the phone arguing with insurance, or filling out food stamps for myself or my mom, or helping her file taxes, or taking my friend to his doctor, or helping another friend with their name change, or taking courses at Yes, or working on the TRUE Group website, or any of the billions of other things I do.  NO ONE ever sees that stuff.  So people assume shit.

"...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "umption." - Samuel L. Jackson, The Long Kiss Goodnight

Just cause someone is disabled or gets money by other means, one should not therefore assume that person doesn't do anything.  Cause that's bullshit.  "One does what one can when one can do it."

So am I mad?  Yeah.  Am I hurt?  Yeah.  Am I sure why?  No.  Will I get over it?  I don't know.  Do I really give a shit though?  Not so much...  not so much...

11 days until surgery.  7 days and 4 hours until I arrive at the airport.  I feel bad at times having my dad pay $40k to get me through this.  But honestly, no one that isn't trans, no one who hasn't walked in our shoes, no matter how much they "get it" or think they understand or support, will NEVER TRULY understand.  Not their fault.  They can't.  I'd fuck over my family, best friends, whoever, whatever, wherever, however, anything it takes to get this surgery done.  WHATEVER it takes.  No holds barred.  So I feel bad, but I have no other way and I am sick of living a life of lies and misery.  And I feel bad talking about how excited I am when so many people are in the same shoes and NEED to have their surgery but can't.  And that's sad.  But I'm also not going to hold back my happiness right now to spare others' feelings.  Frankly, I don't give a shit about ANYTHING or ANYONE else right now.  That seem selfish?  That seem wrong?  Ask me if I care right now.  I've gone through so much shit over the last almost 40 years.  So much horrific crap and work and nonsense the last two decades to get to this point.  Sorry if I don't give a fuck about anything else right now.