Monday, August 13, 2012

I Found My Peace of Mind! . . . In Porn!

That's right, porn damnit!  roflmao

Many times over the years I've searched for "post-op" transwoman porn.  And only ever found pre-op or no-op shemale tranny porn.  (which I HATE those words btw, they're derogatory and hurtful, but have to use them to explain what people call that)  I've read plenty of patient comments and testimonials.  I've seen countless post-op pics.  But none of it made me feel truly comfortable about the surgery results.

Then last night when I couldn't sleep I stumbled upon something.  On a transforum there was a topic, with a link, to a page, with a link, to a page, and so on.  Eventually I came across a site with porn from actual, normal, post-op, transwomen.  I was for the first time ever able to see other transwomen, after surgery, masturbating and having sex.  And having orgasms, and enjoying it.

I think my first reaction was surprise.  Even after all the pics and crap I've seen.  I was surprised how normal everything looked and worked.  It not only put me at ease, but made me very anxious and excited!

I had thought my fear was coming from the thought of not having parts I've had for so long.  But now I realize it has nothing to do with the parts.  My fear was the fear of not being able to have an orgasm again.  And considering I'm horny 24/7, masturbate several times a day, and have a therapist that's been tossing around the phrase "sex addict" despite my 15 years of no sex, the thought of not being able to have an orgasm is horrific.

The irony of this is that my parts have been slowly shutting down and not working as well as they once did the last few months.  This is of course from the HRT.  So, in other words, things will actually work BETTER after surgery than they do now!

So I was worried?  Worried about losing something that isn't working fully anymore?  In exchange for something that will work great?  Am I insane?  I should be nothing but ecstatic like I am right now at the thought of it!  Excited, anxious, impatient, and very much ready for surgery!  Heck, I can't wait!  This is going to be awesome!  Dream come true, for real!  *happy dance*

Somehow, it all seems oddly fitting that my peace of mind would come from porn of all things.  LOL

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Of All the Thoughts I've Had. This is a New One.

Have gone through a relentless rollercoaster of emotions the last few days.  Excited, happy, sad, scared, horrified, lonely, anxious, worried, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, ecstatic, and many more.

And then out of the blue I had a different thought.  I thought of that person that had to cancel their surgery date making it possible for me to get in earlier.  That poor person...

I know nothing about them.  No idea of age, race, gender identity or what they were going to have done.  But odds are like myself and so many others, they went through many obstacles, many challenges, and many years of hell.  To get so close and then not be able to go through with it.  It's heartbreaking.

Here I am worried about the end result.  Unfounded, irrational fears.  No matter what anyone else says.  Everyone I talk to is super happy.  Happier than they thought they'd be.  And here I am being afraid of what I've always wanted when I'm so close and so lucky to even have this chance.

I actually feel bad about feeling bad now.  I feel bad about having doubts or fears.  Someone somewhere is probably devastated having had their chance slip away for now.

I can only hope that it was a person decision of theirs.  That they changed their mind freely or had it done elsewhere.  I would feel worse knowing it was financial, or family, or health, or some other thing that stopped them right at the end.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, my heart goes out to you.  And I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to get this over with sooner rather than later.  I should be thankful how lucky I am and not so scared without cause or reason.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

287 Days... Err 70 Days Left! Whoa!

Well, so my mind is blown yet again. So here's the setting. Eating dinner with my parents, about 5:00 p.m. EST. We're at a local restaurant chain called Flanigan's. We've all eaten way too much. And we were going through pitchers of Yuengling. I got my mom hooked on Yuengling about a month ago, kinda funny. I had this amazing burger worthy of a brief digression. Texas burger. had so much stuff on it I can't even remember. It had swiss cheese melted and chunks of bleu cheese, bacon, onion rings, lettuce, tomato, who knows what else.  Anyhow, so my phone vibrates in my purse next to me.  After a few minutes of being lazy I finally check thinking it was a text from one of my friends.  Had a missed call, Dr. Marci Bowers.  *this is the part where my brain exploded because I knew there was only one reason they would be calling me...*

And so BAM there is was.  THE call.  I've been saying, "she could call any time."  I guess in my heart I partially didn't think there would end up being a cancellation.  And even if there was I figured it would be get a call in October or November to come in late December.  We haven't even been back a month yet.

So, my dad tells me to call her back.  Like no kidding.  So I called.  Got Robin, who works in the Trinidad, Colorado office and handles all the scheduling, phone calls, apparently all the paperwork and everything.  Poor woman must be overworked.  She's the only person I've even dealt with the entire time so far.  And so she confirmed my assumption that there was a cancellation.  And she asked if October 17th was ok.  I didn't even know how to respond.  My dad was also at a loss for what to say.  We clearly were not prepared for that call.  I asked her if it was ok to call her back tomorrow.  She said yes and that she'd pencil me in tentatively for that day.

Many hours of arguing took place at this point.  Me, I was still mind blown over the fact that this was happening so soon just like that.  Started having so many different thoughts and emotions, good, bad and indifferent.  Was and frankly still am feeling EVERY emotion.  Happy, sad, mad, giddy, shocked, scared, excited, anxious, overwhelmed, and a million others all at once.  In the end my dad agreed we should keep the October date and just get it over with.  I want to be done with this too of course.  And closer means less time to worry.  Why drag it out longer, right?

Tomorrow I will call Robin and tell her yes.  She will then send me the infamous packet that explains what to do, what to bring, payment, just all the details about everything.  And I have a few questions.  My dad wants to talk to her as well, but for stupid reasons.  He wants hotel and car rental suggestions and stuff.  I'm like seriously that THIS is what you're worried about?  Priorities dad, for real.

My brain still hasn't fully processed it all.  Have so many emotions, thoughts, ideas, questions.



It's the next day.  I called.  Gender Reaffirming Surgery is confirmed with Dr. Marci L. Bowers in San Mateo, California for October 17th, 2012.  And they're contacting Dr. Beck that works with her to see if  he's free that day to do breast augmentation at the same time.  They said probably.  The information packet will be sent out either today or in the next day and I should get it by next week.

All those nights of falling asleep and having dreams where I already had all the right parts.  Only to wake up and find myself still in this body.  All those years wishing I'd go to sleep and wake up different.  And as a friend just told me, that's exactly what's going to happen.  On Oct. 17th, I'm going to go to sleep, probably very hungry and with watery diarrhea from the prep, and likely in pain as I know from past surgeries my bad lower back does NOT agree with those flat hard metal surgical tables.  And then I'm going to wake up, in pain, all doped up on pain meds that likely won't be strong enough, but with boobs 1 to 2 cup sizes bigger, and female bottom parts.  Just like that.  The many hours of hard work and surgery they do will be nothing to me.  To me, from my point of view, it will be exactly like I always hoped.  I'll go to sleep and wake up from that dream but this time the dream won't end when I awaken.  :-)

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

"So What Makes You Happy?"

A couple months back, think it's been close to three months now, a friend of mine asked me this question.  "So what makes you happy?"  Seems simple enough right?  But not so much when you're depressed and confused.  I mean there's stuff I like but is that what truly makes me happy?  I had no real answer.  After giving it some thought I spouted out some generic nonsense that seemed right at the time.

Days later I had thought I had figured it out.  But again I was really just guessing.  I wasn't honestly sure what I like or what makes me really happy anymore.  Over the years the things that have made me happy have gone from cartoons, to games, to drugs, to money, to specific people or places.  It's been varied enough to leave me unsure about what it is that makes me truly happy.

Well a lot has happened since then.  A lot of amazingly good and amazingly bad.  And then last weekend I woke up in a strange mood one day and was again asked that same question by the same people.  I had a better idea this time, but sort of laughed it off and let it go because some of the things that make me happy seemed like I shouldn't admit to them.

Today I got to see a psychiatrist to get my surgical clearance letter.  And then my therapist a few hours later.  I talked about a lot.  Thought about a lot.  And realized when recapping my life story for the millionth time what really matters.  What things make me really happy.  That kind of happy that you want all the time and can't live without.  And I feel embarrassed admitting to some of this.  But these are the things that make me happy.  These are the things that always bring a smile to my face.  The things that I love the most.  The things that make me who I am.

So, what makes me happy?  Here's my top 15 in order:

  1. Friends
  2. Love
  3. Cuddling
  4. Chocolate Milk
  5. Sex
  6. Music
  7. Stupid Humour
  8. Helping Others
  9. Marijuana
  10. Dancing
  11. My Cats
  12. Beer
  13. Games
  14. Looking Good (and being able to be myself)
  15. Figuring Things Out

So there's my answer finally.  Will this list be the same in a year?  I don't know.  Will it be the same when I wake up tomorrow?  Don't know that either.  What I do know?  It's accurate right now as I am typing this.  :-)

Let's Just Talk About Sex For A Minute...

I had another post 3/4 done but right now I feel like talking about something else. Sex. Cause that's what's on my mind right now. I'm sure any of my closest friends reading this right now are thinking "what else is new." lol But I'm having specific thoughts and I felt like rambling and sharing them.

So, sex, obviously a fairly significant concern when going through GRS (gender reaffirming surgery). It's not like I'm 15 and never had sex. I've had a LOT of sex in my life. With men, with women, multiple people, and all sorts of crazy stuff. And I am not gonna lie here, I love sex. Like too much. Like I've never been able to get enough. And back in the mid to late 90s when I was a hardcore crack addict I had sex for drugs. That combined with my last serious relationship at that time falling apart all led me to a point where I basically stopped having sex totally. For somewhere around 15 years I went without. Didn't even want a relationship. Thought I was fine me and my cats. But I wasn't. More recently, a variety of things in my life changed. And along the way I ended up having sex again, more than a few times. And what I have once again realized is that I really, really love it. My testosterone is down to 10 and I'm still horny 24/7. It's apparently just part of who I am.

So now we get to where things get weird. Cause surgery, obviously going to change a few things. During that freak out I talked about in a previous post, this was one of the many thoughts I had. Cause I am scared about what if my new parts don't work. And in fact I was at such a freak out point that I was horrified at the thought of losing something I obviously love doing quite a bit. And even though I know the success rates and how this operation works. And I know everything will be fine and the new parts will work great. But still, will I like having sex then as much as I do now? How will things change?

Well, I've been thinking about this frequently. And at first I took into consideration the facts. First of which is I want this operation more than anything in the world. I NEED this operation. It's all I ever wanted and none of that has changed. Fear is irrelevant in this aspect. Because I AM going to do this. So that made me think about things differently again. Because I realized I can't dwell on what I'm losing. That might as well already be the past. And so I started really focusing on and thinking about what I will have.

And so I have been thinking about that. I've always imagined what it would be like. I've always fantasized that I already had parts I don't. But since having the surgery date set up I've just been so freaked about losing what I have that I wasn't thinking clearly about it anymore.

This is where this story gets hard to blog about. Because I can't put into words the feelings I've had. I'm not sure there are words to explain it. The very thought of post-op sex makes me light-headed and faint (in a good way). It's beyond a dream. It's like it's "too" perfect if that makes sense. It's like everything I've dreamt of and fantasized about and hoped for someday all made into a reality. And thanks to being an empath and having an awesome imagination I can really envision what it will be like. And, this is the part where there are no words. The very thought is... overwhelming... amazing... beyond words.

And just to clarify, this is no way implies penetration or me specifically being with someone with a penis. Just to throw that out there. I'm just talking about anyone, male, female, both, neither, trans, whatever, doing anything with what I will have. ALL of those various thoughts. It's... again, no proper word to put here. I wish I had a way to make others understand this feeling. I can't help but think that if people who aren't trans and don't understand transgender could understand the thoughts and feelings I'm having right now it would change the world. (not to sound full of myself, but you just don't know if you haven't been where I'm at in my life).  It's intense.

So that's just some thoughts and feelings I'm having about sex post-op. Felt like rambling on a bit about that one. :-)