Tuesday, December 18, 2012

2 Months... Really?!?

Strange to think it's been two months since surgery.  Part of me remembers being in San Mateo like it was just yesterday.  But at the same time my old life seems so long ago.  Nothing feels new anymore.  My body feels like it's always been this way.  I think back to before surgery and I can't even relate to that person.  How it felt, what that was like, all starting to blur and fade.

It's interesting how fast we can adapt to some changes compared to others.  I guess it makes perfect sense though.  My body is with me all the time, day and night, awake and asleep.  Other changes, like moving to my dad's, take longer to adjust to.  I'm not always at my dad's.  I may be at my mom's or out with friends or eating or shopping or whatever.  But my body is always there.  Don't really have a choice but to adjust to physical changes when it's something you have to deal with 24/7.

I feel pretty good all-in-all.  Happy at my dad's for now.  Although it's still obviously not what I really want.  I still don't have complete freedom or privacy.  Like if I wanted to run downstairs full speed, naked, screaming and making "whoo hoo" noises at 4am, that would be frowned upon.  And my cats are still not here.  Friend of mine had a great suggestion for a child gate that may work if I can persuade all parties involved.  My dad seems more willing than my mom.  My mom doesn't want to let them go because then it's just her and her one cat.  And I feel bad for her cat cause she'll be all alone all day and night when my mom's not there.  But I miss my cats!  No way on Goddess' green Earth that my ass will ever go back to my mom's house though.  Doing that in my mind would be like giving up on life entirely.  And I'm not quite there yet.

Physically I'm doing great.  Boobs still need close to 10 months from what I'm told before they start to like soften and skin relaxes and they feel more a part of me.  They look great though.  Be so glad when I can ditch this surgical bra forever.  That's less than a month away now!  As for the bottom, looks great.  Still some minor swelling on the left side labia majora or whatever.  Still that weird hard feeling underneath up top but that's normal and supposedly will decrease over time.  Some funky dead skin still there that hasn't gone away.  But again, that will happen.  Overall, everything is perfect, looks perfect, works perfect.  Have had a couple orgasms now (like literally only 2).  So things work.  Seem to be unable to have an orgasm from masturbating yet.  Not sure what that's about.  But with the next money I get I'm going to go shopping for some stuff to, how shall we say, help with that problem.

Still at a weird place though in life when you think about it.  Going through a lot of what most people would have gone through from age 12 to 18.  Having to relearn my body and what I do and don't like.  Having to adjust to physical changes suddenly.  And deciding now that I'm pretty much done with that, what do I plan to do with what's left of my life?  Most people would have figured this stuff out like ages ago.  Well, ages ago if they are my age obviously not ages ago if they're young cause that wouldn't make sense...

That first month after surgery was pretty awful for me I gotta say.  Had so much drama.  Having to move.  Not being able to have an orgasm yet.  Hormones going back to where they should be.  Pissed off many people, friends, family.  Second month was a whole lot of me time.  Getting adjusted to my body.  Moving my stuff to my dad's.  Getting furniture.  Figuring out what I'm doing.  Relearning basic things like how to bathe and pee and have sex.  Things most people have pretty much figured out by the time they're almost 40.

Now, the next thing I have to do is try to fix a whole lot of messed up friendships.  I've already accepted the fact that not all of them will be fixable and that I'm likely going to be down a few friends when the dust settles.  But one-by-one I need to try and work things out with them.  It wasn't my intention to piss anyone off.  I didn't wake up thinking, hey, let me piss everyone off.  My life just got too overwhelming for me.  And while I know my friends lives are intense too, and they all have their own problems, and their lives may seem overwhelming to them.  Point is, mine was/is overwhelming to me.  And made it impossible for awhile there to deal with or even listen to most other people's problems.  Not that I didn't care.  But that I was just overloaded mentally and emotionally.  All I could do is push everyone away for my own sanity.

But I have hope that 2013 will be the most amazing year EVER!  I really think it will.  Starting a whole new year, whole new life, new body, living in a new place.  It's like someone hit the reset button on my fucked up life finally.  And now I can start over again from scratch.  Rebuild friendships.  Fix life.  Rediscover myself and the world.  As I go forward, leaving all that was behind me.  Slightly difficult to start life at age 40.  But that's, as they say, the hand I was dealt I guess.  Better late than never?  I dunno.  lol  Guess we'll see.

Blessed Yule to anyone that actually bothers to read this.  Somehow I feel like I'm just talking to myself when I type this stuff.  But I look like crap today so just didn't have it in me to do video.  Next time.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Settling Into Life

So yes, my dad is super supportive and accepting of me being trans obviously. He pretty much gets me being pansexual. And he gets intersex. Great. I'm so very thankful for that.

What I'm discovering now though as I continue moving my stuff over here from my mom's house is that he's considerably less understanding of other things.

As I load the upstairs with geekdom, remote control R2 units, katana, light saber, cosplay stuff, box of phasers, video games and consoles going back 4 decades, etc. He just mostly laughs and makes fun of me. The usual "you'll never grow up" stuff. That's fine, I can deal with that. Not the biggest deal. Bit annoying and ridiculous but whatever.

My being Libertarian... far less accepted. From Mr. "I'm a registered Democrat" that's then voted Republican in every election his entire life. We argue a lot. He does nothing but watch Faux News errr Fox News all day. Makes me sick some of the things they say on there. But I stay quiet and avoid it. But then he starts bitching out "those damn liberals." And I'm like... uh... yeah.

And the real issue is my being Wiccan. He's Catholic. And he doesn't know. And has made many very strong comments against Paganism over the years. When I finally start loading my books into the bedroom he's going to have a coronary.

So not sure what to do about all this. I mean it's WAY better here than my mom's. And I will NEVER go back there. My dad and I fight but at least he's not crazy, unpredictable, random, senseless, chaotic, and all that other crap that my mom is.

Need to move out of here as soon as I can. But really can't deal with that until at least six months post-op when I know I'm healed up completely and such. Plus section 8 housing closed in Miami-Dade and Broward like a year to two years ago. Both full and not taking more applicants. I do not make enough money to survive on my own with what people want for rent even if I roommate with someone. And if I get a job I will not be able to get full disability it will only be partial. Which is a problem because of the Humira for example which is a class 3 medicine and without full coverage it's roughly $2k a week. Even with assistance from them it would be $800 per week. Which means if I did get a job I'd have to get a millionaire's job. Need to make money under the table or illegally somehow. Kind of forced to. How fucked up is that?

Dunno how I'm supposed to survive like this. I'm clearly stuck at my dad's for at least a year. Still so much to do. So much medical crap all day planning everything I do around when I need to do dilation and epsom salt bath and it's maddening. I haven't even figured out how to get my birth certificate amended or replaced or whatever. I've asked several people and got no real answers that were helpful.

Feeling a bit lost and confused over life. But feel physically great. And emotionally and mentally doing much better now as far as the surgery itself. Just life in general being a pain now. Overall though, things are good for now. Could be better. But certainly better than they were at my mom's. As hard as it was to get out of there it was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. lol