Sunday, April 22, 2012

I'm a Light Bulb!

I just had the craziest, most unbelievable week ever. So many strange things, awkward things, great things, terrible things, another wild roller coaster. I won't recap all the details from Miami Beach Gay Pride Parade & Festival through hanging out, friends houses, awkward situations, new friends, strange messages, and culminating in me losing 5ish hours somewhere at the end of our weekly game night. Just far too much to get into specifics.

What matters? I had several personal breakthroughs. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically, just my entire being has changed in the course of a week, yes... AGAIN! I know... My first analogy that's stuck with me is that I feel like a light bulb.

Physically, always the simplest to explain. Ever stopped one day and taken a good look at a pic of yourself and realized you're not seeing the same person you always have? Well that's what happened to me. I saw a picture of myself and was like whoa, I look like that? I guess just like all the other aspects of my life I've been down on myself physically for a long time, if not always. And it finally hit me, I'm almost 40, middle-aged, and I look DAMN good! For real though! Why didn't I get the memo on this??? rofl

Mentally, several things led me to realize I've been thinking about stuff too much. That I keep getting all wrapped up in my head making up "what ifs" and "I shouldn'ts" based on nothing but crap I was making up in my head, not actual facts or anything. And I've discovered how much better it can be sometimes to not think and just do.

Emotionally, have come to understand how I "really" feel about a LOT of things. And more importantly, discovered that I'm OK with that. Once I got over the mental part it was easy to follow my emotions again and just say and do what feels right without worrying about whether it's logically right or makes sense. When I started trying to rationalize everything instead of following my heart, instinct and feelings is beyond me. Everything I've seen, done and been through I of all people should know how irrational the universe is.

Spiritually, this is a big one. I don't want to get into details. But I had a monumental, amazing, spiritual thing happen. With the help of some friends a huge block was lifted and I let go of a lot of baggage I had buried for so long it got to the point of not even consciously acknowledging it anymore. Strongest my faith has ever been, so many things I've always felt or believed feel somehow validated now.

End result:

I feel... like a light bulb.
I feel radiant and bright.
I shine bright even when surrounded by darkness.
I'm solid yet fragile.
I'm needed and loved.
I brighten the world around me the best I can.
I shine light on those near me.
I'm warm and comforting.
Sometimes I'm just really hot.
Easily turned on.
Easily turned off. lol
People are strangely drawn to me.
And one day I'll burn out.

Yeah, I just thought that up. And yes, I feel like I'm on an ego trip at times lately. But, ya know what? I've been down on myself for a long, long time. And I'm feeling really good about, well, everything right now. And I've decided to just not fight myself with logic anymore and just do, be, feel, exist, and follow my heart wherever it leads me and not try to not think so damn much.