Saturday, May 21, 2011

The World Ended an Hour Ago?

So many things I can say about this, both funny and true.

First off, what was this even based on? I mean this is at least the fourth time in my lifetime that I'm aware of that the world was supposed to end. Ever hear of the boy that cried wolf or chicken little? When and if it ever happens no one will be ready. Not only because people are usually just not prepared for anything, but because so many people have cried wolf so many times throughout history.

Secondly, how would you know if the world was ending? Seriously, every belief, religion, and individual has their own idea of how the end will come. Most just assume it's gonna be some huge thing that will be blindingly obvious and everyone will just know immediately. But the world is ending. The world has been ending since it's creation, it's just how the universe and everything in it works. From the very first second of everything, whether you believe in a big bang, or a deity, from the very first nano second of existence everyone and everything has been heading towards the end. It's called time. You can only be headed towards the end. Unless someone's invented time travel which I'm unaware of.

Here's a thought. Maybe it did end? Maybe the world ended hundreds, thousands, millions even billions of years ago and this is hell? Can you prove that it isn't? Seriously, prove to me that this isn't hell. You can't!

I saw no earthquakes, no birds or snakes, and rumor has it that Lenny Bruce was indeed afraid!

So, let's say the world hasn't ended. Let's say, it's going to end next year (lol). Well, yeah, ok, so? What exactly is anyone going to do about it? Can't stop it. And exactly how do you prepare for the end of the world? Clean underwear and a flashlight ain't gonna do a whole lot. I mean do you make sure to pee before it happens? What exactly is anyone expected to do in preparation for such an event? Personally, I was playing FarmVille when the world ended this time. And will likely be raiding in some MMO if it ever really does happen.

On a related note, a volcano has erupted in Iceland today causing something like 50 small earthquakes... wait... what? um... birds, snakes? Who is Lenny Bruce anyway?!? O.o

Thursday, May 19, 2011

REVIEW - Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (NO SPOILERS)

I wanted to post this a few days ago but between exhaustion and lack of what to really say I am only just now getting to this.

IMDB Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

The fourth in Disney's Pirates movies. I managed to be lucky enough to see this on Tues. May 17, 2011, 3 days before release. A friend of mine got us in with the press.

Lots of strange happenings and going ons before the movie which I'd love to get into but for the most part you had to really be there to appreciate the amount of weird in the air that night. Let's just say between "free popcorn lady", "dragonball z lady", and some screaming pirates in VERY nice outfits, it was certainly, um, memorable. lol

Now, for the movie, hard to say a lot without ruining the story. I will say this though, sadly, it was my least favorite of the four movies. Yes, it was still hilarious. Yes it is worth seeing if you are a fan of these movies or Johnny Depp. Yes, Johnny Depp in IMAX 3D is awesome. My friend described my blabbering description of the movie as me attempting to say it was too linear. There was basically one story the whole movie and no subplots or diversity to the story. It had much less special effects and much less of an overall magical feel than the previous movies.

And they got rid of far too many of the old cast. Not only is there no Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and no Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley) but all the old characters were basically gone. There was of course no Davy Jones, no Norrington, no Weatherby Swan, no Bootstrap, or Tia Dalma (the voodoo lady), or the two funny guys the skinny one with the wooden eye that knew everything or his chubby goofy partner, whatever their names were. What your left with is basically, Capt. Jack Sparrow (Jonny Depp) and his first mate Joshamee Gibbs (Kevin McNally), Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and his British crew, Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his first mate Angelica (Penelope Cruz). All basically doing the same thing heading the same way. And there is also a Spanish fleet that you see for maybe five minutes total in the movie.

It had a few exciting scenes but all-in-all it was kind of boring compared to all three other Pirates movies. That's not to say that the few exciting scenes aren't good.

Also, the 3D effect was not used as much as it could've been. I mean it didn't have the same kind of 3D awesomeness as say TRON Legacy. Can only even think of two very short scenes that really used the 3D effect for more than just for background depth.

Overall I'd say it was still a good movie, just not as good as the first three. But still far better than most movies out there. Worth seeing. Not necessarily a "must see in 3D" type of movie. Am pretty sure the 2D version of this would've been just as good.

One last little word on the strange occurrences prior to the movie. I don't know if it was a full moon or if these are regular people to the early premier movie showings or what the deal was but man there was some, odd people there. The screaming pirates were the more normal ones. Very unique crowd. As for those pirates, they had some awesome costumes. Clearly they spent hundreds if not thousands some of them. Very impressive, and yet annoying to me that the one time I go to a movie without some kind of cosplay larp thing going on and there's tons of people dressed up! I mean seriously, where are these people when I go dressed up to movies like TRON or Star Wars or Star Trek or the upcoming several superhero movies? Dangit! lmao

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Pet Peeve #153:'s Order "Text Trace"

Ok, I usually don't put any one specific company, brand, item or service in these lists but this one is so annoyingly idiotic that it's the first of it's kind to make it on one of my random lists.

"Text Trace" is a function provided to functions through their account settings that allows you to receive text messages on you phone to update you on the status of you shipment.

Their site describes it as such:
Sign-up for Text Trace and we'll send you an SMS text message between 10 AM and 11 PM Eastern time when your package is out for delivery, is delivered or when there is a delivery exception. Standard text messaging rates apply, please contact your carrier for details.

Sounds good in theory. IF IT EVER DID WHAT THEY SAY IT DOES! I just received a message today at 3pm EST to inform me that my package was delivered. My package that the postal service left at my door at 10:30am EST YESTERDAY! If I relied on this thing to check it someone would've stolen my crap before I got to it or it would've been rained on or any number of other bad things could've happened.

I'm just like, why offer this service if it doesn't even come close to doing what it's supposed to do? And not like what it's supposed to do is so super complicated. Seriously, where in the chain of events is the weak link that makes this totally useless?


Friday, May 13, 2011

Pet Peeve #88: "Regular" & "Original" Are Neither Flavors Nor Fragrances!

It's bad enough these days when you try to buy things they claim to smell like a "Moonlit Walk" or "Spring Meadow" which makes no sense. I can tell you of many "Moonlit Walks" on South Beach and they smelled like alcohol, gasoline and urine.

But seriously, regular and original don't even elicit mental images of anything that might smell or taste like anything! Doesn't matter what it is, toothpaste, deodorant, air fresheners, soap or detergent, candy, cold medicine, vitamins, whatever.

Personally when I go to buy something in which the odor is a significant factor I would like to have fragrances that I know what they mean! I remember as a child things were scented like rose, gardenia, jasmine, musk, orange, chocolate, coffee, something I know right away what to expect. And while these new creative names are vague to say the least they are still better than original or regular.

Is it too hard for a toothpaste or mouthwash company to say mint? I mean seriously, you have cinnamon, spearmint, and "original"?!? w t f.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I Didn't Want to Like This Song!

Britney Spears - If U Seek Amy

Curse it all! I can't get it out of my head for nearly a week now! I REALLY did NOT want to like any of her music now. It's not really her I guess it's more the like 6 people that wrote the song. Stupid thing is catchy with the whole word play thing.

I Need A Banner!

It has come to my attention as of a minute ago that I don't actually have a banner on any of my sites. I have individual banners for different game pages in the game area. And I have my old logo that I've used for years which I like but am starting to get sick of, especially since the graphics it uses from EverQuest are so old that it looks kinda crappy even though it's at the highest quality for that image. I need to come up with something new for that too. I just don't know where to begin. So many pics and images of wolves and moons but I don't want to use someone else's and it's hard to come up with an original when there's billions out there already.

But, regardless of the logo problem I have no banner. I don't know how this seemingly obvious point slipped past my attention. Going to have to come up with something that works for both gaming and real life and somehow encompasses all major aspects of that which is me without being a cluttered mess. With a banner though I'm going to need an actual site and blog name. Currently I just have my game names and such as a title but no official title for the site so to speak. I've used the name Moonwolf Landing several times in games to identify things from my Cafe in Cafe World to cities in Sim City to space stations and various other things. I "could" use that for my official site name instead of the pages just saying "Krysta's Webpage(s)" or some crap.

This requires more thought. If anyone bothers to read this and has any suggestions for a name or submissions for a banner image or any good wolf or moon pic designs please feel free to submit them somehow either in comments or though any of the other contact and social media links.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Not "That" Long Biography of My Mom.

My mom's old publicity photo from when she was an opera singer.

Born February 28, 1943 she had me at age 30. Originally an opera singer. A good one too. Most notably she won multiple awards for being number one best or whatever the top award is called from the Greater Miami Opera Guild (yes to my gamer friends, my mom was in a guild for real rofl).

During her early opera years she also maintained a job working for Stembridge Furniture as basically their only office person. And also McKinney Lumber (where my Grandad had worked previously) as their only secretary / office person.

She performed with many great opera celebrities including Luciano Pavarotti which she has pictures with on stage somewhere but I couldn't locate those right now.

Voice type:
col·o·ra·tu·ra   [kuhl-er-uh-toor-uh, -tyoor-uh, kol-, kohl-]
a lyric soprano of high range who specializes in such music.

In 1973 obviously she had me, duh. As a small child I spent 99% of my time with my mom and almost never my dad. When I watched TV as a child it was with my mom and it was her shows, Star Trek, Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, Night Gallery, The Night Stalker. And then eventually Battlestar Galactica, Buck Rogers, Wonder Woman, Six Million Dollar Man, The Incredible Hulk, etc.

A HUGE Disney fan to this day, in my youth we would go to Disney World at least once a year and often times as much as 4 or 5 times a year for at least one week each time sometimes several weeks.

Sometime in the '70's my mom got me one of the original Coleco game systems. NOT the Colecovision. Before that. It was a LARGE black and silver plastic monstrosity made by Coleco. In the middle it has a big old knob like dial that you turned to select one of about six versions of Pong. Like regular style Pong, and the racquestball version and the 2 paddle version and so forth. And then it had 3 shooting games. It had no controller or joystick. It had 2 "paddle controllers". Those are the boxes with the one dial you turned left and right to move the paddle up and down or left and right depending on the game. Those could be mounted right on the "console" (I use that term loosely for this thing hehe) or you could use long adapter cords to hook them to console. It also oddly enough sported a light gun. It had like skeet shoot and target practice and some other one. Basically involved shooting a giant white box on a black screen and the white box would move around in different ways depending on which of the 3 gun games you selected. Biggest issue with this thing was connecting it with the old school RF switch adapter and the two wires that would go under the antenna screws. Then came the challenge of attempting to get the horizontal and vertical hold set right so that the picture wouldn't just keep flipping left to right or bottom to top or whatnot. For the youngins, back then TV's did not automatically center on the screen the image it was supposed to be displaying regardless of the input source. Point here is that my mom bought it for me and it was her idea to get it not mine. And she played it as much if not more than me.

From that point she bought me the Atari 2600. Had that one through nearly all of elementary and into junior high. My mom and I spent countless hours all night and day playing with or against each other in everything from Joust to Donkey Kong, Centipede, Pac-Man, Bowling, Barnstorming, Air Sea Land, Combat, and hundreds of others.

In my early teen years she quit singing opera and doing operas professionally and got a job with the City of North Miami Motor Pool as their only secretary. Although she still sang select arias from operas such as Lucia di Lammermoor and Die Fledermaus as well as various "pop" songs from the 1940's - 1980's transcribed and arranged to be more operatic and suitable for her voice. Sadly though she only performed during these years for seniors at various condos up and down the Florida coast as well as the occasional concert at one of the band shells that have all long since been torn down. And every now and then something else would come along as well that she might do for a friend or one night thing.

It was sometime during the 1980's when she separated from my dad. It was nearly another decade after that when they finally officially got divorced, though they still remain friends till this day and talk nearly every day and we all go out to eat every week or two, though it turns into chaos before it's over.

Around this point, think it was maybe '84 or so she bought me the good old NES. The original 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System. I spent years mapping every tree, rock and square of sand in Zelda and every wall, room, square and enemy in Metroid. While I still played things like Super Mario Bros. and Kid Icarus with my mom, alternating turns where I'd play for an hour and a half on one life then die then she's come play for 5 mins and die. That plus games like Castlevania, Final Fantasy, and Wizardry though kinda brought me into the single player RPG type games and not as much gaming with her anymore.

During these years though we still both were HUGE Sci-Fi and Fantasy fans. Did comic and sci-fi conventions, movie opening nights, and all that kinda stuff with her for a few years.

As a side note, all through these years from before she met my dad, when she was just a kid, through him and on through the next 2 boyfriends; my mom's other MAJOR hobby was bowling (my dad too, he was WAY better more about that next father's day). My mom did at least 1 league type bowling night a week and usually one more on a week day morning. For awhile she did the doubles thing with my dad and then later with each of her boyfriends. And she did weekend tournaments that had her traveling around Florida and crap.

And in the middle of all this she also was and still is a freak for fishing. I use to get dragged along with her and my dad or just her or her and one of the boyfriends. Piers, drift boats, Islamoroda, all up and down the Florida Keys and stuff like every weekend if she didn't have a bowling tourney. For the record, I HATE fishing! Hate the sun, hate the smell of fish and sea water, loathe the entire concept of bait, don't like the killing of the fish, don't like the boringness of the entire event, and those hooks are insanely dangerous. The whole thing is like a nightmare to me. Thank the goddess for hand held games.

Towards the late 80's she ended up with a boyfriend that worked at the City of North Miami's Parks and Recreation Department. He, however, was a Vietnam Vet and had many mental issues besides being an alcoholic and a pot head. I still can't even begin to fathom how my mom ended up with him when she's never done any drugs and can't handle alcohol at all and can't stand smoke and never did cigarettes or anything like that.

By the end of the 1980's I had hit the teen years and was gaming on Sega Genesis, Super Nintendo, and Gameboy, and doing the book, dice, pen and paper style RPG's with friends. My mom and I spent very little time together as she changed greatly during these years.

Somehow between those years of around '87 - '92 she changed a LOT, and not for the better. Suddenly instead of the outgoing, happy, VERY friendly polite opera singer who played games and liked Sci-Fi and Fantasy and just movies and music and anything fun, I now had someone else for a mom. It was like aliens abducted her. She no longer sang professionally but she stopped singing around the house and in the car and everything completely. Started watching crime dramas and saying Sci-Fi and Fantasy she grew up with from long before I was even born was all stupid nonsense suddenly. She started to refuse to play games. She wanted nothing to do with technology or knowledge of gadgets or anything she use to like that she taught me to like when growing up. So now she hated all the things I liked that I only liked cause she got me liking them when I was younger!

It went beyond that though. She quit answering the phone all together. Had NO friends but her boyfriend at that point. HATED people and spent all day and night talking about how much she hated everyone and how she wanted to just move into a shack in the woods with no phone or electricity where no one can ever find her.

After several years doing secretary for the City of North Miami she moved over to the North Miami Police Department and eventually rose to the position of records supervisor. She spent a total of approx. 2 decades working for the City of North Miami before moving on.

While working at the Motor Pool she met her next and last boyfriend, a mechanic. He worked on the garbage trucks and police cars and such. Nearly 7 feet tall and weighing close to 400 pounds this massive missing link prehistoric barbarian of a human was a total asshole. He was nice to her but tried to sleep with my friends and stuff. Major creep.

Amongst other things that this ass did which was insane were several instances of him with his gun, yes a licensed concealed weapon revolver, my mom had one too cause he made her get it, chasing me and my friends at high speeds in car chases with both of them hanging out the windows waving their guns at me while I drove like Grand Theft Auto through there and my friends ducked to the floor to avoid being shot. Crazy times. He had her under total mind control.

Kind of a good / bad thing that happened was that this boyfriend convinced her to spend a LOT of money she really couldn't afford to to buy a 40 foot camper / trailer. The kind you tow not the motorized kind. We traveled most of the States east of the Mississippi River and all the way north up into Canada. However, by these years my Crohn's disease was starting to get out of control and I spent the majority of most of these trips puking and crashed out in the trailer while they went off wherever. I did however get to see everything from D.C. to NY NY to Niagra Falls. But, it was with HIM and my new altered pseudo mom person.

With the start of the 1990's came my mom's move into retail part time after the Police Department job and on weekends and then as the main thing after leaving the Police Dept. Mervyn's Dept. Store, Eckerd's Drugstore, Marshalls Retail Store (2 different ones). And that was it for that. All-in-all the retail thing lasted about 15 years.

After leaving the Police Department the retail jobs became the main full time and she got another part time job doing security for an event staff company guarding the Marlins, Dolphins, Panthers, Heat, celebrities, concerts, grand openings, the circus, and any major entertainment event. Upon quitting retail this became the primary job she still wastes her time with today. Granted she gets to see and sometimes meet many celebrities but the job is run by idiots, poorly done, unprofessional, pays nowhere even close to what she should be getting as a Florida State Licensed Security Guard. But she's changed so much and hates everyone and everything and is just too blind to realize how crappy that situation is when she could do better.

Around 2k she started getting senile and Alzheimer's like her mom, my grandma. She of course refuses to get help or even mention it to anyone because she has no clue it's going on. She does not understand the things she does that are wrong are in fact wrong even after explaining it repeatedly. She'll be fine, smart, alert, etc. for days, week(s) even sometimes. Then, out of the blue, I'll find her in just a bra and panties outside at 4am banging bbq tongs into a can of gas used for the bbq grill like a dinner bell to call the neighborhood cats to feed them claiming they wouldn't come and eat unless she used the "clanger" despite the fact I was trying to explain to her about if there's a spark it will explode and she'll be blown up in a pile of cats outside with nothing but a bra and panties and how the hell am I supposed to explain that to anyone? But she still didn't get the concept that any part of what she was doing was in any way incorrect.

And I think that about covers everything up until today. If I can think of anything else I'll come back and add it later cause I kinda wanna keep this now that I finally got to write it all out at 4am after being up 2+ days straight now when I should totally be asleep lol.

Signs That You Might Be Insane #3

Should you find yourself making blog posts with tips and ideas that are part of lists that don't actually exist and are numbered in absolutely no order based off random numbers that popped into your head at the time then you most definitely have mental issues...

*disclaimer* any tips, ideas or lists in this blog that are numbered do not represent any actual numbers or numbered lists. Any similarities to actual lists or numbers are purely coincidental...

Signs That You Might Be Insane #26

If you spend more than half an hour on the toilet trying to think of words that rhyme with toilet then you may require psychological therapy.

How To Tell You're Stoned. Tip #8

If it's past midnight and instead of going to sleep you go out of your way to login to facebook specifically so you can "Like" Chicken McNuggets then it's a good bet that you are stoned!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Obama vs. Osama

Figured for the sake of history or something I should at least mention this though it has no direct impact on my life honestly.

Osama Bin Laden is officially dead.

Killed during a raid in an epic battle... Or so says the news.

Of course I'm happy he's dead. But only a small amount of people saw him dead and they dumped him in the ocean pretty quick. I am not 100% sure I believe it. Trust no one. I also seriously doubt that there's any proof short of me seeing his dead body that would make me believe it 100%. I hope it's true though, if that counts for anything.

I've heard the news, I've read the tweets and posts, it does seem highly likely that he really is dead. Either which way, even if he wasn't, the world believes he is and that's what matters I guess. Because he was an icon or symbol to the terrorists after getting away with 9/11. So as long as Osama as a symbol to them is destroyed then whether or not it really was him becomes not as important. In the end, the U.S. won.

Note above what I said there... The U.S. won. Not Obama. Well trained soldiers risking their lives are why it happened successfully. A friend on facebook posted earlier that this is a win for America NOT Obama. I have nothing against Obama personally, I have nothing for him either. I honestly could care less about the man. But I agree completely this is a win for America not Obama. People need to get that through their heads.

And that's really all I have to say about the whole thing. I'm like less of a "Yay! He's dead!" person and more of a "Yay! We won!" type of a person ya know?

Past, Present, and Future Combine

Well, this has without doubt been a very eventful year on many fronts. From my online gaming life to my real life and everything else along the way. Where to begin on the latest episode...

Let's recap briefly. So far in the last weeks / month I've had the bad, having to put my dog to sleep after 15ish years, having to help and practically take my mom's test for work over several days of hell and problems, fights with Comcast resulting in my no longer getting many stations, stress has caused some medical flare ups here and there. Been broke and poor to the point of having at least one financial crisis this month thanks to my mom again. Multitude of other little things along the way from my cel phone shorting out and shutting off to other various things breaking and not working like the toilet seat. All-in-all several bad things of varying... badness.

The good. Well, sadly mostly online and game stuff. Portal 2 finally released, greatest game ever! 3DS out and got a couple games, amazing device. EverQuest 12th anniversary celebration probably should be under the bad since I never finished that one main quest after weeks and months of trying. Hung out with a couple friends one of which I had not seen in some time, was kinda cool. And of course, my car, my dad gave me his 2009 Honda Accord EX-L V6 with everything. Lots of good, makes for a balance between the extreme good and bad so far these last few months.

Then came Saturday, April 30th. I had recently, specifically the last 2 days, had friends on facebook with birthdays. This had me thinking about my own that is coming early June. I always make resolutions 3x a year, my bday, Samhain, and New Year's Eve. The story behind why is involved and irrelevant to my point. Anyhow, I always make small ones, baby steps, things I am likely to not fail or quit. For example, one year I decided to make the resolution to drink only low fat milk instead of whole milk. Yes, things that lame. So, I was thinking how old I am and how far I am from succeeding at anything I ever wanted to do thanks to my life sucking and massive amounts of medical issues and related problems. So, I figured, this year I'm gonna make a huge resolution or two. I was still unsure of what but I had decided that as of my birthday this year I was gonna make some major changes in my life. Try to fix things that bother me and make things right and different and all that. Was quite motivated but unsure of what I was going to do specifically. Was thinking about it all day on Saturday while doing stuff around the house and getting ready to leave to go to my dad's. Right as I was getting ready to leave, my mom, who was in the other room cleaning suddenly comes banging on the wall to tell me my friend Rodney is here, at my door. I was like whoa, what!?! How very weird that I was wanting something majorly different to happen and right the he shows up, out of the blue.

About Rodney. You have to understand that this guy and I were great friends, best friends growing up for many years. I did many of my first drugs and other experiences with him and we went though more than most people could ever fathom or imagine in a million years. Around 1997 he had moved and he came back then moved and I had lost touch with him. See around that same time I cut ties with all my old friends and joined some new friends and groups because I wanted to bury the problems of my past. So when he returned a few years later we had lost touch. Nearly a decade had passed when about 2008ish he came back. He was here maybe a month or two, we hung out, it was great. Then he vanished again. In 2009 he returned but only for a few days were we in touch that time. I had a lot going on and he was not here long. I saw him maybe twice before he said he was leaving for a job in Seattle and would see me in a few years. And just like that he was gone again. Then he shows up Saturday, no warning. So I've only seen him maybe 4 or 5 times in the last 14 years and not at all in like 2 years.

Now, another good thing to know about him is that he's always been the life of the party. He always manged to find everyone and get people together. He kept us all going by finding any crazy thing you could think of so we would have something to do. Too many old insane stories to tell and frankly several of them would strike terror into the average person so I won't get into that in this post. So, naturally, being mister social he was already on the way to a bbq with several of our old friends none of which I have seen in 15+ years. I had to continue on to get my mom her meds and to visit my dad so I did not go. However, I got to talk to one of them on the phone later and it was cool. I hadn't spoken to her in many years and we were also very good friends. I've always kinda thought of Val like the female version of Rodney when it comes to her personality. Another person that you feel instantly comfortable with and can do anything with or say anything to cause they both just like to have fun. Up to this point this was all cool and fun and exciting and good news.

This is where things go sour. Sunday, after some sleep and thought I figured lemme see who out of these friends I could track down online. I knew Rodney himself was far from knowledgeable about anything high tech or pc related. But his girlfriend has a mac so figured maybe he at least has a facebook page, I knew his brother did. Well, I didn't find one, but I found his brother, Randy. I thought wow, cool. Yet I felt kinda hesitant to friend him. I'm not the same person these people knew 15 years ago. I have changed so much. I've been code blue 3x, had 13 operations, been hardcore crack addict $1k/day, robbed, done every drug imaginable, broke many laws, did a variety of unspeakable acts. We were all insane back then, we did all sorts of outrageous, unreal things. Now, 12 years of online gaming, disability, medical issues, life issues, physical, mental and emotional issues. From years of avoiding going out due to medical apparatuses and things causing me public embarrassment and such I ended up being somewhat of a neurotic agoraphobe. Despite the fact that I am free of any medical thing and for all intense purposes appear healthy and normal, I still retain several social anxiety issues. Sure, online I'm miss friendly. Someone once referred to me as the "social butterfly of EverQuest". But, in real life. It's like Codex said in one of The Guild episodes, "Sure there's a lot of drama in game, but at the end of the day you can always just logoff. You can't logoff from real life."

Well, it gets worse. Without friending I was still able to see Randy's (Rodney's brother's) friends list. And on there I saw Val. Didn't know her married name but I knew it was her based on the crazy profile pic of a traffic sign saying crazy things. Anyway, I checked out her profile and found on her friends list one other friend I use to know, Marla. I was like wow, since I never even realized that Val and Marla even knew each other. Oddly, no one else we use to know or other mutual friends were on any of their lists. So I went to Marla's friends list and found yet another old friend, April. I was like oh wow at this point, cause I had searched for these people for years and found nothing. And now they were all popping up so easy, right here, in my virtual world, on facebook, like as if they were standing right in front of me the whole time. This is the part that sucked though. On April's friends list was a name I care not to repeat and hoped to never see again. My ex. The one I never got over. The one I was supposed to have been engaged to. The one I was supposed to have had a Wiccan handfasting (marriage) to that apparently only meant anything to me. There, happy, on facebook, smiling, and married, to someone that isn't me. After years of thinking this was all behind me, that I hadn't run into any of them, that I couldn't even find them when I tried. I had figured at this point I'd never see or hear from or know anything about any of them again. Had a knot form in my chest, felt sickened at their happiness. Felt violent almost. A bit light headed even faint. The gamer in me kept thinking things like headshot and nuke their ass and kill, kill, kill lol. But the rest of me was just like wow, I can't believe I found them that easy right there all the time and they're all so happy looking and gah... yeah... hmmph.

So, now after some time and thought it's become less about my ex and more about the fact that a large part of me wants to contact the others but I have no idea what to say. And moreover, I'm not sure if I want that decade of my life to have any connection to this decade of my life. And, everyone's doing better than me... I mean, some married, some have kids, all making money, at least one teacher, most actually got through college finally, all seem happy. Me, did not finish college, am disabled, have no money, live at my mom's, and have a life that revolves around EverQuest raids and Cafe World catering orders and feeding my cats. When I'm not gaming online I'm gaming offline and when I'm not gaming on my pc I'm gaming on the 3DS. I mean their biggest successes involve family, degrees, and wealth. My biggest successes involve loot chests, raid gear, and 2 blogs that no one reads but me.

And there it is, here I am, that's the story. What the shit do I do now? I wanted a huge change. I missed my past. I dislike my current life. And now I got a huge change, I got a chance to reconnect to a large portion of my past that I was sure was gone forever. But, my life is the suck and there's no playing it off or pretending that it's anything less that uber craptastic. Do I go for it, leap into 15 years ago, old friends, old stories, other things not appropriate for this blog post, etc.? Or do I push it all away, avoid them all and bury the past even more than it was?

My friend Norma summed it up best today on the phone when she said, "Be careful what you wish for." Seriously, no shit. I wished for this, but I never expected it to happen just like that! Now I'm like, do I really want it? And I'm scared. I'm scared being around these people will bring back memories and feelings and lure me into a path I do not wish to go down. When I hung out with them, as mentioned above, I was a terror. I was a danger to myself and everyone and everything around me. There's a reason I quit everything and cut all ties with everyone in 1997. BUT, have they changed? That's the thing. Would it be so bad? Maybe everyone else has changed enough that I can be around them and still be the me of now and not the me of then. Problem with that is there's no way to know until after it's happened. And if not then it's too late cause I will have made that connection and knowing that life is always right there so close could be too tempting to resist. Or should I just dive in and become the terror I once was? Should I just go for it and party out as much as possible and just say screw it all? I tried tonight to bury myself back in EverQuest and Cafe World and it didn't work, this whole situation haunts my thoughts and weighs on my mind heavily.

My life has been stagnant for years. I've had basically 4 friends that weren't online that were actual people I could go hang out with for the past roughly 10 years. I haven't had a serious relationship since, well, hmmmph... it was like 1994, yeah, I know. But, it's been safe. Safe from rejection, safe from stress or situations that I didn't wanna be in. Safe from the many things that could go wrong and the many wrongs I could do. Maybe the change is good? I kinda fear change. I'm OCD, I'm possibly a bit insane, clearly have social anxiety issues, possibly a bit neurotic and agoraphobic, I like things unchanged even if they suck it beats them getting worse. I am not a pessimist I'm a realist. I don't claim everything is negative I am going on proven fact of past experiences that most everything is negative. Then if things go right I can just be happy about it. Less chance of being let down.

At this point you may think I'm just rambling. But this is in fact my brain going through the process of figuring out what the hell I should do about finding friends and a past that I long searched for and missed and now don't think I can handle dealing with since it took so long to find them in the first place.

Not sure what's gonna happen next. Not sure how to feel or what to think. What I do know is Rodney and Val are two of my closest friends I knew for years and we went through some crazy times together and we three at the very least will have no problem hanging out and hitting it off again like as if no time had passed. The others though, those I mentioned and several I did not, I just don't know. But, I'm invited to a bbq at Rodney's in two weeks. I will definitely go, I wouldn't miss it because of Rodney. That and the fact that he is only living like 5 minutes away. But how that goes, how I feel around the others talking about things I wanted to forget and people I don't want to think about. How well that past integrates into my current life is still a mystery at this point.

And then here I am like most of the cast of The Guild all I can think is what about raids? I mean I have raids 5 nights a week. And there's other gaming stuff. I mean ok, so it seems lame when you explain the whole online gaming life to regular people. But, that's what I do. It's my life. And for what it's worth I'm damn good at it! I have gaming obligations! Without those I'd have nothing. It's the only thing I have to plan the rest of my life around. The closest I come to a job or family. Yes, it's sad, but it is what it is, I am who I am. /sigh

Despite my 1337 (leet) gaming skillz (yes the z is intentional), and despite all the insane stuff I did and went through in the 90's; I feel like someone hit the reset button the game of life and set my ass back to n00b status.