Ten days ago I posted a very short video to commemorate my one year anniversary since surgery. I mentioned that I'd do a more detailed update on my blog later. Well... here it is.
I am frustrated and unhappy. It's been a year of chaos and difficulty for me. Upon returning from California and my surgery I felt very agitated about returning to my old life. Within 36 hours of returning I realized I couldn't stand living at my mom's house anymore. So I up and moved everything in a frantic rage at 2am to my dad's house. Something I swore I would never do.
Since then my relationship with my mom has deteriorated even further. My mom was always a very important part of my life growing up. Whenever anything else happened, medical, emotional, whatever, she was always there. For 17 years she knew and seemingly accepted my transition. Until I began my medical transition. Even then she tried. But after I came back from surgery nothing was ever the same. We barely talk now and it hurts a lot. She's told me several times how she is done with me, doesn't want me in her life anymore and hates "what" I've become. Like I'm some sort of "thing". Over the last couple months we have hardly spoken. Last few times I went over to her house ended with her either calling the police or pushing me away when I tried to give her a hug. She now says that having me was the biggest mistake of her life
As for my dad. Who was the biggest supporter throughout my transition, he is nothing but hostile to me all the time now. He continuously tells me how much he regrets helping me with surgery and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He seems to have had himself convinced that surgery would fix everything. And that after that I should just be happy all the time. And that is not reality.
As for the surgery itself, I've had a hell of a time adjusting. It's better and more comfortable when it comes to every day things like showering, sitting, wearing clothes, etc. But sex is not what it used to be. Which has been EXTREMELY rough for a sex addict who used to masturbate on average five times a day. Dilation is a nightmare. It's painful, time consuming, ruins the mood for sex, and generally sucks. I've had issues healing cause of my Crohn's and every time I dilate I can still feel the skin ripping apart from where it's healed since last time. I can't begin to tell you how over this whole thing I am. And there's nothing I can do. I'm forced to deal with this every day of my life forever. It's brought me to tears more than a few times. It's NOT all it's hyped up to be and not as great as I had expected. And that's the real truth.
For a year I've felt like I couldn't truly express how I feel cause people have looked up to me. Been so happy for me and so proud that I had the strength to go through it. But the reality is it sucks! It looks good, it works I suppose, but the maintenance is more than I can handle. But how was I supposed to ever say anything when I have a whole community expecting me to talk about it like it's so great and I'm so lucky?
All of these things left me feeling pretty damaged, short tempered, hostile and alone. In an attempt to prove to myself how great it is I slept around a lot after surgery. With other transwomen, with a cisgendered male friend, transman friend, etc. It seemed great but the reality is I was trying to make it seem better than it was.
My posts on facebook that people used to like, read, comment on, and often look forward to, diminished and became more and more negative. I lost several close friends, and still have people unfriending me every week on facebook.
Then the one truly good and happy thing in the last year happened. My current girlfriend asked me out. It was so unexpected. And it's been wonderful. I've never been happier in a relationship. But because of this image I made for myself, people rejected our relationship as a bad idea. I mean, how can a pansexual, polyamorous, blah blah blah whatever possibly be happy in a serious, committed, monogamous relationship right? WRONG! Just because someone is attracted to all gender identities and body types does not mean they can't be in a committed relationship with one specific person. And furthermore, just because someone is polyamorous and loves multiple people does NOT mean that they can't decide to be in a monogamous relationship. You can love multiple people without having sex with all of them. And despite how happy we've been the damage was already done before.
My dad keeps spouting off this rubbish that "it won't last", "too big of an age difference", I'm "with someone different every other month". My mom feels the same way apparently. As do some of my closest friends. All those people that SHOULD be happy for me. That should support my relationship. They make me feel like shit for being happy.
And then to make matters worse, I tried to talk about my happiness. I tried to share how great things were. But apparently that was somehow wrong. Because all my miserable friends, yes, you lot reading this right now, complained behind my back. I ended up having people come to me saying that our mutual friends approached them asking how to block my posts. Apparently my sharing my happiness upset people or something. So I stopped. Stopped posting on facebook, stopped sharing my thoughts and opinions. Eventually stopped doing blog entries, video blogs, even stopped talking to most people.
When I tried to come back to the internet and social media though no one cared anymore. All those local organizations that had asked me to speak had stopped asking. No one was inviting me to events or to share my story. No one wanted to hear anything I had to say anymore. I tried to force myself back on one or two organizations. Spoke a couple times. But it wasn't the same. And I feel like I'm lying to everyone when I speak and tell the story of how great surgery went and how much better everything is. When it's really not.
I post things on facebook and no one reads them anymore. No one sends me messages hardly ever. No one likes my posts anymore. Well, very rarely. And it's even more rare that anyone comments. I feel like no one even cares what's happened to me this last year. I have a LONG list of friends that always give me this "I don't have time for them anymore." speech. But I don't see any of them calling or messaging me. Why is it up to me to contact everyone? You all say I never call, I never talk, I don't care anymore, I don't have time for you anymore. I call BULLSHIT on everyone! Because I don't see ANY of you trying to call or contact me! Does everyone feel they can't call or talk to me because I'm in a relationship? Because that's rubbish and on ALL of you. Because I'm here. I respond. I do care about my friends. But I definitely feel like my friends don't care about me.
I've had an awful few days where friends have made me feel like I have fucking leprosy for having a cold. I feel like everything I do, say, whatever is wrong. I feel like I even get blamed for being sick! And I am sick, sick of all the drama and bullshit in my life.
I'm officially through with the so-called "community". I'm over all of it. I AM in a happy and wonderful relationship and anyone that has issues with that can screw themselves. And I will post whatever the hell I want. If anyone still has issues, there's the proverbial door (unfriend button). I never asked to be a role model or person of importance in the community. And I don't want to be anymore. I'm done.