I NEED to say something, but I don't know how. I don't know that I can, if I can, or how or what to say. So many things have happened in such a short period of time. I've been back-stabbed repeatedly, had my heart broken, patched, broken, patched, broken, crushed, demolished, and obliterated. At this point I'm pushing past the pain and sadness and heartache and starting to feel nothing but bitterness and anger, and I can feel that shell crusting over my heart again. I gave so much to so many. To friends, to groups, to the community, to those I love. And all I've gotten was pain. Yeah, there were a few fun times along the way but that just makes everything hurt that much more. I feel like I've lost so much right now. I've compromised my very being, everything I am has been compromised. I know it sounds cryptic, but I can't even share my problems, I can't even vent. Too many lies, too many secrets, too many confidences I can't break. So many involved think it's just one issue. But the truth is there's many issues. There's more lies and deception than most of the people involved realize. I'm not sure who knows what at this point or what to do about any of it. Right now though, I've lost a brother, I've lost friends, I've lost those I truly love. Not even sure the extent of everything or the end result of all that's happened yet. I know most around me think I'm pathetic, a joke, weak, desperate, confused, etc. Truth be told, I'm pretty clear on the whole situation right now. Masks have been removed and I see everyone for who and what they are. I'm devastated by all of it.
And I can't even get help. I call one therapist, that's supposed to specialize in this and works with my other doctors, but they don't take my insurance. I called Sunserve got transfered 3x then put on hold, AFTER having told the first 2 people that I was in crisis and needed a therapist. And no one has called back, over 3 hours now. I called my insurance, the behaviour health portion, and they could not find a therapist on the plan that specialized in the topics I need within 50 miles. Based on that they were willing to work outside the box and make an exception and call the first therapist, Dr. Alvarez, and work with her. I called her office back to tell them this and they said no, they can't and/or won't do that. I told them I'm in crisis and I can't find anyone else, please help, and again was told sorry, either I"d have to be a cash patient (which I clearly can't) or else find someone else or go to the ER. I'm like fuck you, I can't go to the ER with mental health issues, they'll lock me up and make me want to kill myself instead of helping. I've gone through 2 local resource lists and called every therapist and either they don't take insurance, don't take mine, can't help for one reason or another. And the ONE therapist I could talk to I can't because she's directly involved in the situation and I apparently already told her more than I should have at this point.
What gets me is that I call these places, clearly distraught, clearly in tears, clearly hurting, and these places and people that are supposed to be there to help people like me in these situations just shoot me down and toss me aside. I understand now why the suicide rate is so high around people with gender and orientation issues. This is an outrage. And now thanks to the insurance and other things I've gone from hurting, to just anger, rage, and frustration. They not only didn't help but they've made me worse! FUCK THERAPISTS, FUCK THEM ALL TO HELL!!! THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES THAT CARE ONLY ABOUT THEIR BANKROLL AND NOT THOSE IN NEED. FUCK THEM ALL THEY CAN ALL BURN IN HELL!!! IT'S THEIR FAULT PEOPLE LIKE ME SPIN OUT OF CONROL, CAUSE THERE'S NO HELP AVAILABLE WHEN IT'S REALLY NEEDED. I was right originally when I said I don't need a damn therapist. This is why I've gone without one for the last several months since I left my last therapist that never listened to a thing I said and only cared if my insurance was still paying or not. I'm done, I need no one. I'm not going to let the search for a god damn therapist bring me more grief and aggravation than I already have.
I'm going to meditate, I'm going outside somewhere in nature, I'll let the Earth take my pain, and the Wind guide my heart. The Goddess is the only therapist I need. Nature understands and listens, and doesn't give a fuck about what insurance I have!
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