Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Blog, Yeah, Right, Knew That... (a.k.a. Still Alone)

So I'm supposed to be blogging about things now.  And yet I'm still slacking.  I know I've meant to!  And most of the long important posts have still ended up on facebook instead.  Let's see, hmmmm....

Well, I'm still single, there's that.  Funny how for over a decade I was so sure I was happy alone and destined to be the crazy old cat lady.  I guess I was pretty much asexual for awhile there.  Which, for anyone that "really" knows me from my past, well, yeah...  Then a few months back I realized how much I absolutely HATE being alone.  And part of me wishes I hadn't ever realized that.  Since then all I can think of day and night is that I'm alone and how badly I wish I had someone, anyone.  And no, it's not a sex thing.  In fact it has little to nothing to do with sex.

See, first off, I'm an empath.  I know most people laugh or just flat out don't believe that.  But many people who've known me long enough have seen it happen.  Those times when out of the blue I call or text someone asking what's wrong when they haven't even indicated anything being wrong yet.  All those little things.  But basically I can read and project my emotions.  I'm convinced this is the real reason people seem to always like me "as friends".  I mean, I'm no one special, and my life is crazy, but I've honestly in the last 2 decades especially but throughout my whole life, not met a single person of any age, gender, religion, nationality, etc. that didn't end up liking me.  I mean I don't really get it but it is what it is I guess.

That being said, there's my hormonal issues.  So on top of having always been empathic, now my hormones are all over the map.  So my emotions, good and bad, are frankly overwhelming most of the time.  Now in the last two weeks I've started to learn to deal with this and accept this fact about my existence and am actually starting to like it most of the time.

Big issue though is that I "need" that emotional contact with everyone, it's almost like I feed off of the emotions.  I find it nearly impossible to leave happy situations, hence I'm always the last person to leave everywhere, parties, classes, meetings, it doesn't matter what or where.  It's tough and at times hurts more than physical pain ever could just to leave somewhere I'm happy or having fun knowing that my next stop is being alone.

So I compensate my lack of having someone, ya know, like an actual romantic relationship, with friends, lots of friends, and parties, and going out anywhere and everywhere as much as I can.  Ends up making me look like some out of control party animal and I'm really not.  Again, I just NEED emotions.  Simple fact is I'd give up everything just to have someone to sit by the water with, hold hands, chat and joke, watch the waves, the moon, maybe get rained on, simple little stupid shit like that is all I ever really wanted.

After that last serious relationship so many ages ago and all the out-of-control things I did back in my youth I shut off my emotions for a long time, bad idea by the way.  Now that I realize it wasn't the person I missed but the relationship and emotional connection I missed, I realize how long I wasted alone and not doing all the things in my life I've needed to do.

And so here I am alone, trying to find someone anyway I can.  I feel so desperate, and that's probably because I am...  lol  Seriously, I desperately need to find someone, you can't imagine how much it hurts to be alone as an empath.  I always had someone, girlfriend/boyfriend from literally kindergarten until I was 28ish.  Then a whole decade got flushed down the toilet leading me up to now.  Thing is, I don't know how to find someone.  I never really looked for anyone before.  It just sort of happened, one after the other, for decades.  Now I'm middle-aged, things are so much harder.  I don't know where to go or what to do about it really.

Been trying the online dating thing and I just don't know.  I've met a bunch of people, but, bleh.  I mean, for example, there was one really awesome person that I chatted with for quite awhile and then she asked to talk in person, I said ok, gave my number and never heard back since.  Another one was awesome and just flat out vanished.  Two people I'm still talking to now.  One is so far away (not even in Florida) so it doesn't even matter really cause I flat out can't do that.  But of course we're like online friends now.  Other one I really like, and we seem to have become friends, she's really so awesome from what I can tell, but she's seeing someone (of course).  So as usual, another friend.  I can't imagine that I'd be lucky enough for that to go any further.  Which is fine, cause like I said, she is pretty awesome far as I can tell.  So yeah, I've wasted a lot of time talking to people that vanish and even more time talking to those that became friends and likely won't ever go beyond that.  So the online dating thing not working out so well for me.

In person, yeah, I've tried that.  One woman I was so hung up on for so many weeks.  I thought things were going well, I saw all these signs that seemed to me to be leading to something.  And as usual we became friends, then I find out that she's seeing someone, and it's a guy, and they've been together for a long, long time.  So fail there.  But I made yet another friend.  Which again is great an all, but...

That's just it.  I have so many damn friends, but no one for me ya know?  Like no "significant other".  And it sucks.  Because friends are friends, but then when you're done hanging out they go back to their lives and me mine.  So it's a great distraction going out, partying, hanging out with them all day and night and stuff.  But in the end I'm still alone.  I want someone that when the party is over they're still there for me and me for them.

Hmmm....  This was going to be a blog post about my not having posted on my blog and a recap of the many crazy things this last week.  I "was" gonna talk about my high school reunion, group meeting, party for friend's graduation, gala event at the Hyatt, Avenger's movie, Cinco de Mayo, and all of that but somehow this ended up being all about me being alone again.  *sigh*  I can't even keep a decent blog journal cause all I can think is that I'm so damn alone.  This only hits me when I'm home too.  Hence my staying so busy and always finding someone to pester and hang out with.

Anyway, yeah, just gonna stop there cause I don't wanna get all whiny and depressing sounding.  Next time I'll try to actually blog about what I was going to blog about this time and failed.  lol  But for now, I guess I'll just go back to being alone still...

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