This bothered me so much when it happened I wasn't sure I wanted to share it with anyone. But I was so freaked I needed to talk to someone. So I called a very close and dear friend and told him. He seemed a little surprised but really had nothing useful to say (no offense). I decided to ask a close friend who's known me about 16 years. He said it seems normal to him. So I decided to ask someone else going through transition who's very outspoken and he also said it seemed normal to him. Here's what happened and what I make of it after some thought.
First off, I FREAKED. When I say freaked, you have NO idea. Near as I can figure I must've been half asleep. Because it's blurry in parts and it happened abruptly as if I woke up. What I know is I was thinking, dreaming, not sure which, about the actual day of surgery. I was imagining and visualizing all too well myself going in and getting the IV hooked up and heart monitors and those tight socks and hair net and all this. And just the thought of me about to go unconscious and wake up with different parts. I freaked. I was suddenly horrified. I mean I never felt such utter terror. So it's at this point I figure I fully woke up. Because I remember opening my eyes, having thought I was just laying there awake thinking, and I was suddenly faint, soaked in a cold, clammy sweat, and my heart was leaping out of my chest. I started thinking things like, "omg I can't go through this, I'm scared, what am I doing, what am I going to do, omg". This is when I started the above chain of talking to people.
My initial thought was that I was awake thinking, visualized it, got scared of losing parts and freaked and because I freaked I got scared and questioned my gender for the first time in 20+ years. But then I did talk to those people. And I did think about it. And I did go over it a thousand times in my head and I realized what's really going on. It's not gender related fear at all. I still want the surgery more than anything in the world and have no doubts or hesitations about that. The fear is just from "it" not being there. Yeah I want it gone, of course. But, it has been there 39+ years. The thought of it not being there makes me a bit faint. And I have been told a couple times that it's not really gone but turned inside out. And yes, it is still there technically but that's not how my brain is processing it. In my head I'm seeing it more as losing what i have and gaining something new. And while I can't wait and am so excited over the gaining something new that I should've always had. I am scared to lose something I've had so long.
This fear would be the same if it were a foot, a finger, an ear, whatever. Just the thought of part of my body no longer being there. Regardless of the awesome new parts. I think a lot of this comes from things I've seen on TV and movies. The stories you here about people losing body parts and what it feels like. Just freaks me out some. Well freaks me out a lot.
The other part of the fear comes from the fear that what I end up with might not work. I mean what I have has always worked really well. Well... up until last May/June. It's starting to shut down at this point. Hard to get it to function anymore. But the point is what if I can never enjoy sex again? I mean I know I'd enjoy it more with the "correct" parts. But just scared if they don't function. But I know this is an unfounded fear based on nothing whatsoever. I know several patients of Dr. Bowers and they're all super happy and all their parts work just fine. I've never seen or heard of a single person not being happy. I've heard of no real stories that would make me think anything other than it will be a great success.
Another thing that messed me up at first is the fact that I never expected to be nervous. I've had 13 operations because of my Crohn's Disease and the related complications. So what's one more? I've even said that many times to many people, speaking engagements, family, friends. I always figured, no big deal, why worry? I've wanted this for decades, I've had operations, I'm used to this. But I'm still scared.
In the end, what I've come to realize is basically I'm a dumbass. I don't know why I have to always think so much. That's what really happened. Whether I was awake, half asleep, whether it was a nightmare or just a really vivid mental image, don't know. Facts that remain is I still want the operation more than anything just like I always have. I'm still going to do it and no force on this planet will stop me. And yes, I'm scared to death. But, like I always say, "It is what it is." In the end I KNOW it will be fine and I will be happier than I've ever been or could ever imagine.
Moral of the story? Just fucking chill! lol
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