Realized something else over the last week or two. This is how this entire thought process progressed.
I've been horribly obsessed with trying to find someone. This loneliness has been driving me mad. I've gone to clubs, I've joined 3 dating sites, I've tried flirting with and hitting on pretty much everyone and anyone that seemed even remotely interesting and not a total ass or stupid, will never be desperate enough to be ok being with someone that's stupid. But anyhow, I've tried everything I could think of. I keep getting advice to just chill, go out, have fun, do whatever I normally do and I'll find someone. To me that feels like giving up though.
A friend of mine suggested I wait until after my surgery when things were more settled down to worry about finding a relationship. And that's probably true, a lot of people don't want to get in a relationship and deal with all this immediately. I had hoped I'd be lucky enough to find that exception. But waiting also means being alone now. And right now it SUCKS. And I guess part of me was hoping to have someone that would go through this with me. I guess I had kinda wanted to be able to say I was with someone that wanted to be with me even before the operation. I know, that seems ridiculous really. I mean who cares right?
Then I got some more advice about enjoy what I have now while I have it. So I thought about that a lot. And I do have a lot right now. I have a ton of amazing friends. I have plenty of stuff to do. I feel like I'm giving back to the community and helping to educate others when I get to speak or anything along those lines. I have people that love me in various ways and at various levels. But then I keep thinking, I don't have someone for me though, ya know? And it's hard to focus on enjoying what I do have because my mind just wants to dwell on what I don't have.
My recent freak out over surgery though made me think about a lot of things differently. Including this whole "trying to find someone" thing. And what I have realized is I do need to wait until after surgery to try and find anything serious. Not because it will be easier, but because I have come to realize I am not currently emotionally stable enough for a relationship. If I were to find one I'm not sure I could handle anything going wrong or any of the problems that I know would likely arise. Just too many thoughts and worries of my own right now. And so on that note, I probably am better off just trying to enjoy what I have and not get into something I probably can't handle right now even though I want to.
And then I have to also consider that everything I have now may change at any time. There's no guarantee from minute to minute that things won't change. And who knows how things will change after my surgery. Who knows how I'll feel about anyone or anything. And dwelling on trying to find someone or what the future will be like only takes away from enjoying the happiness I have now while I have it. I have a lot of good things going for me right now. Friends, people I talk to every day, things I enjoy doing, places I enjoy being. I really need to enjoy now. I do have people that care and want to be with me, even if they're thousands of miles away or not wanting to be with me for the same reasons I want to be with them. I'm certainly not alone. I have an asston of friends, many of which are always wanting to hang out with me.
Now this in no way means I'm giving up. I'm certainly not deleting my dating site profiles or anything. I'm still going out places and looking. I guess what it boils down to is I don't care anymore. Right now I really can only focus on my upcoming surgery. It's hard to think about anyone or anything else right now. So just going to enjoy things as they are, focus on my surgery, and should something happen with someone along they way then yay, but I'm not putting forth the energy to worry about it anymore.
After my surgery, after I see how I feel about myself, about my life, the world. After I get through this and have nothing major to worry about anymore and after I'm sure everything is done and turned out ok. After all that when I don't feel like I have something I'm hiding from anyone I meet. Then, I'll see about putting forth more effort to find someone. But for now, just going to try and enjoy life.
And for any of the people I have been talking to or flirting with, don't think this means in any way that I don't still want to get to know you better and see what happens. I just can't take any of it seriously right now. I need to focus on myself first for the next 10ish months.
Another funny thing that I've realized is what it is I really want. It's not some relationship or someone to love or sex or any of the many things I thought it was. What I'm really looking for is just someone to hold me. As simple and silly as that sounds. I really just want to find someone that wants to hold me as much as I want to be held. That's it. Maybe I will find someone soon, maybe I won't. But at least I have a better grasp on what I want and where I'm at and what I can handle right now. So I guess that's a good thing right?
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