Rough couple days. Sadly there are some things I can't talk about in specific details on my blog. As much as I'd love to vent. Because I don't want to drag others down or say shit about people publicly like that. What matters is that I've been a hot mess train wreck for over 24 hours. Just now starting to get my head back on straight.
Short, vague, and anonymous summary. I was made to feel like total crap, belittled and made to feel less than for no reason whatsoever when I wasn't doing anything wrong, having a good time, minding my own business, just chilling with friends. I had a friend that helped build up my confidence over the last year and a half by telling me all these great things about what a wonderful person I am. And then I felt crushed as that person had the nerve to compare me to them. I mean who the hell does that right? As different as everyone is, how do you even do that? My brain can't even wrap itself around this concept.
I was shocked, appalled, blown away by what I was hearing. Let's just say it was very unexpected. Especially right then seemingly out of the blue. After the shock faded I was hurt, crying, crushed. Then I got mad, pissed, hateful. Then resentful. Then I was like who gives a shit anyhow. And when my emotions settled I thought about it and am like, wait a minute, why am I upset, this person is wrong. I'm not saying that I'm smarter or prettier. I'm saying they aren't either. I'm saying what the fuck basically. We're soooooo VERY different. The expression that comes to mind is like comparing apples to oranges. But it's more than that. It's like comparing, um, I don't know, like mangos to fried shrimp. This person has tons of knowledge in many things I know nothing about. And I have tons of knowledge in many things they don't. And we're completely different everything physically. To compare doesn't even make sense. Like I said before, my brain doesn't even get this.
And now I'm like, this is all so stupid, I can't believe I was upset. I guess it just hit me how much of a shit I couldn't give what anyone thinks. Especially when I know how I look and I know what I know and I know my IQ and my life. Which most people do not.
And that's another thing right there. Something I've been thinking about recently. Most people don't know most people that they think they know. Not at all. Because you only really ever see your friends when you're hanging out, having fun, at parties and events. So no one ever sees all the stuff that other people do. Whether it be their boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, acquaintance, family, whoever. I mean none of my friends are there when I am going to doctors, grocery store, pharmacy, helping my parents with a million things, cleaning house, cat litter, laundry, when I'm doing yoga, when I go do a speaking engagement, when I spend 7 months fighting with courts and bureaucracy to get legal shit taken care of, when I spend countless hours on the phone arguing with insurance, or filling out food stamps for myself or my mom, or helping her file taxes, or taking my friend to his doctor, or helping another friend with their name change, or taking courses at Yes, or working on the TRUE Group website, or any of the billions of other things I do. NO ONE ever sees that stuff. So people assume shit.
"...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "umption." - Samuel L. Jackson, The Long Kiss Goodnight
Just cause someone is disabled or gets money by other means, one should not therefore assume that person doesn't do anything. Cause that's bullshit. "One does what one can when one can do it."
So am I mad? Yeah. Am I hurt? Yeah. Am I sure why? No. Will I get over it? I don't know. Do I really give a shit though? Not so much... not so much...
11 days until surgery. 7 days and 4 hours until I arrive at the airport. I feel bad at times having my dad pay $40k to get me through this. But honestly, no one that isn't trans, no one who hasn't walked in our shoes, no matter how much they "get it" or think they understand or support, will NEVER TRULY understand. Not their fault. They can't. I'd fuck over my family, best friends, whoever, whatever, wherever, however, anything it takes to get this surgery done. WHATEVER it takes. No holds barred. So I feel bad, but I have no other way and I am sick of living a life of lies and misery. And I feel bad talking about how excited I am when so many people are in the same shoes and NEED to have their surgery but can't. And that's sad. But I'm also not going to hold back my happiness right now to spare others' feelings. Frankly, I don't give a shit about ANYTHING or ANYONE else right now. That seem selfish? That seem wrong? Ask me if I care right now. I've gone through so much shit over the last almost 40 years. So much horrific crap and work and nonsense the last two decades to get to this point. Sorry if I don't give a fuck about anything else right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment