I'm desperately wanting to post something. I'm not sure what though. I feel so overwhelmed. To try and put these feelings into words, it's impossible. I don't know what to say. But something must be said.
So much in my mind, racing, roaring in my head. My hormones unbalanced and my body fighting me on every turn. I have no control of my emotions right now and minimal control over anything. Rational thought processes and reasoning are beyond my reach. My mind makes me question everything. Am I sane? Would I know? Am I right? What IS right? Would I know it if I saw it? And would what I thought was right really be? What if I'm making a mistake? Then would everything I've ever done be a mistake? What if I'm right, but then it goes wrong? Should I turn left? Milk or orange juice?
My stomach replaces my heart. My heart replaces my throat. Cold air fills my chest cavity as adrenaline races through my veins and down my arms. My thoughts blur. Vision goes black. Am I fainting? Is it a heart attack? Is everyone else right? Will I be ok? They all say it's the right thing to do... I've made so many bad choices. Am I right to trust my friends who know me better than I myself? Or is trusting my friends the bad choice in itself?
So much to do. So much I've done. To be so near the end and not know anything for sure. To not know one's future. To not know ones self. Do you jump off the cliff just because it feels like the right thing to do? What if it's not? Others have jumped and survived and are living life. Will I be the dumbass that hits a rock on the way down?
Time goes so fast. Time goes so slow. At the same time. All the time. Time has gone. Time is over. But time is just beginning. Or is it? Will the world end? Will I reach my end? Will it be the final end? Or is it the End of the Beginning?
Well surgery is a huge change girl! Try to keep calm. The next few months are going to be quite the recovery. ;) *hugs*
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