I hate thinking about time. The past, the future. It always leaves me depressed for a million reasons. That which should've been, that which should be.
This time it was my modem that got me thinking about time. The last couple EarthLink people I had on the phone had both asked about or commented on the fact that my modem was really old. I was like yeah, it's old. I didn't think it was THAT old. I mean I remember having 2 or 3 that already broke before this one. The new model modem arrived today. As soon as I set eyes on it I realized, my modem must be older than I had initially thought. I grabbed the tape measure just to be sure. Old modem measures 12" x 8" x 2" with 6 lights, a huge heavy plug, and ran hot enough to melt the bottom 1/2" of the pillar candle I had on top of it. My new modem measures 4" x 4" x 1" (that's 1/12 the size!) with 4 lights all labeled completely different things, plug is small and light as a feather and it runs completely cool at room temperature. I'm like huh, wow, guess it has been awhile since I got that last one.
This of course inevitably led me to thinking about the past, friends, family, my health and life. Things I really don't care to think about most of the time.
First thing that popped into my mind is the recent discovery of something my family on my dad's side were apparently hiding and keeping secret. My dad let it slip about a week ago. I found it both disturbing and annoying and frankly disgusting to a certain degree. One of my cousins, she's like 3 years older than me with 4 kids, has a son. Well, I found out that my cousins 15 or 16 year old son has a 1 year old kid! I was totally aghast. First off, he's as wide as he is tall, he weighs over 250 lbs easily. He has 3 chins, massive acne, a god awful buzz cut mess of hair on top of his egg shaped head. He's like the human Humpty Dumpty. And he has a 1 year old kid? I mean how does this happen?!? I don't mean to be mean but seriously, I don't get this. And here I am, halfway decent looking, genius wit, dry but lovable humor, generally nice person, and my last boyfriend was 1997 and my last girlfriend was 1994. What's wrong with this picture? This has me all bent. Not that I have the time, money, health, strength, or patience to deal with another person but still, this seems messed up in so many ways.
Then I look at my best friend's kids. When last I saw them they were little, very little, running around all hyper terrorizing our Star Trek, Starfleet International Fan Club meetings. Now they're old! I mean they're like 15 - 16 or something and look like they're 20 something. I'm like wow it wasn't THAT long ago! But I guess it was...
My kitties, Storm and Tux, I love them so much hehe! Anyhow, wasn't that long ago I saved them from an awful storm where their mother had abandoned them in a corner in the rain. I got them, took them in, dried them off, fed them. They're mom refused to take care of them after than when I put them back outside. So I kept them. Fed them warmed kitten milk in a dropper ever few hours for days, then kitten food and baby food mixed, and canned cat food. Posted pics of them all over, most of my friends both real life and from EverQuest will likely remember me going on and on about them at the time. They turn 3 years old next week. THREE years!
For over a decade I've played EverQuest. I'm still friends with many of the people I began the game with, having become very good friends with a couple of them. I've seen people meet their spouses, have kids, some got divorced and remarried, some have moved time and time again. So much has happened.
My 20th high school reunion is next year. Friended a lot of the old class on facebook. Most are married, lots have kids, some made it fairly successful far as I can tell, others did not. And here I am, what have I to show for myself when the reunion arrives? Single, no kids, broke as a joke, disabled with nearly a dozen medical conditions, a whole slew of medical horror story to share, yeah I'm a bundle of sunshine to add to any party, not! I've been code blue 3x, I've had a dozen operations, been on hundreds of medications, am on first name basis with doctors and nurses in the emergency rooms of four different hospitals.
So, what if I have a genius level I.Q. and a generally awesome sense of humor, amazing wit, and am the coolest person I know? My life is still a long craptastic tale of sadness, drugs, misery, loneliness, poverty, and medical nightmares.
I think I'm going to change my avatar from the Moonwolf to a cover of the box for the game of Life with a giant red circle and line through it.
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