So, I'm just laying here thinking. Remembering how once I was part of "that" life most people live. Not just old relationships, but things like working, pretending to care about things I don't give a crap about, kissing people's asses for money, those kind of things. Strange to think back now, it's all such a blur, doesn't even seem like that was me or my life. The memories themselves are so strange like watching a movie or something I can't even relate to anymore.
Sure, growing up I was always a rebel. I never wanted to do anything anyone told me be it parents, teachers, whoever. But more often than not I gave in and did it anyhow. How strange it is now to even imagine caring about someone else as much as I did for ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends long since gone from my life. The very concept of work, of the millions of different jobs I had and how much I would never do them again even if I could.
My life is not better now, don't misunderstand. But it's not really worse either. Just different, very, very different. In every imaginable way. It took a lot all at once to get here. There was the naive child years of cartoons and comic books, video games and tv. The preteen years was traveling with parents and grandparent to just about everywhere. Then those outcast junior and senior high years. Then I snapped and went all out party freak, drugs, alcohol, clubs, out for days at a time, hard to imagine. Then all that stopped abruptly one day for no real reason except that I just stopped. Suddenly then came the Sci-Fi years. When I went back into what I loved as a child. Star Trek fan clubs, conventions, costumes, collectibles. What an extreme change. Each phase of my life came with it's own group of friends, it's own things I did and wanted to do, it's own set of ideas, and beliefs, each like a whole different person and life.
Then, I became disabled, ended up not working, had 13 operations and coded 3 times (code blue, flatlined, dead). At some point during that was that single defining moment that changes everything. When I suddenly realized that I don't care about what anyone thinks or says about anything and when I really began doing whatever I want whenever I want to. Problem being, it didn't take me long to realize I didn't actually want to do much of anything lol. I had already done so much and been through so much that I realized the one thing I wanted to do most was nothing. So, I did just that. Have spent the last 10+ years just gaming, the one constant though all phases of my life from little kid to drug addict and everything else was video games. So, I decided THAT was what I wanted to do. And that is what I've done.
This last year+ though many things have changed in my gaming worlds. And I'm starting to become bored with all that too. Not that I would ever stop, but I wish there was something else to do that was both worth doing and easy to do. Something that was fun and cheap. That I haven't already done in the billions of things I've done in the past. A hobby, a group, a place, a thing, something. But, I'm at a loss for ideas lol. So, I shall continue as is. Gaming. Doing whatever I want whenever I want. And not giving a shit about what anyone thinks about anything I say or do ever.
Such is life. (I'd just say "C'est la vie" but I'm not French...)
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