I had another post 3/4 done but right now I feel like talking about something else. Sex. Cause that's what's on my mind right now. I'm sure any of my closest friends reading this right now are thinking "what else is new." lol But I'm having specific thoughts and I felt like rambling and sharing them.
So, sex, obviously a fairly significant concern when going through GRS (gender reaffirming surgery). It's not like I'm 15 and never had sex. I've had a LOT of sex in my life. With men, with women, multiple people, and all sorts of crazy stuff. And I am not gonna lie here, I love sex. Like too much. Like I've never been able to get enough. And back in the mid to late 90s when I was a hardcore crack addict I had sex for drugs. That combined with my last serious relationship at that time falling apart all led me to a point where I basically stopped having sex totally. For somewhere around 15 years I went without. Didn't even want a relationship. Thought I was fine me and my cats. But I wasn't.
More recently, a variety of things in my life changed. And along the way I ended up having sex again, more than a few times. And what I have once again realized is that I really, really love it. My testosterone is down to 10 and I'm still horny 24/7. It's apparently just part of who I am.
So now we get to where things get weird. Cause surgery, obviously going to change a few things. During that freak out I talked about in a previous post, this was one of the many thoughts I had. Cause I am scared about what if my new parts don't work. And in fact I was at such a freak out point that I was horrified at the thought of losing something I obviously love doing quite a bit. And even though I know the success rates and how this operation works. And I know everything will be fine and the new parts will work great. But still, will I like having sex then as much as I do now? How will things change?
Well, I've been thinking about this frequently. And at first I took into consideration the facts. First of which is I want this operation more than anything in the world. I NEED this operation. It's all I ever wanted and none of that has changed. Fear is irrelevant in this aspect. Because I AM going to do this. So that made me think about things differently again. Because I realized I can't dwell on what I'm losing. That might as well already be the past. And so I started really focusing on and thinking about what I will have.
And so I have been thinking about that. I've always imagined what it would be like. I've always fantasized that I already had parts I don't. But since having the surgery date set up I've just been so freaked about losing what I have that I wasn't thinking clearly about it anymore.
This is where this story gets hard to blog about. Because I can't put into words the feelings I've had. I'm not sure there are words to explain it. The very thought of post-op sex makes me light-headed and faint (in a good way). It's beyond a dream. It's like it's "too" perfect if that makes sense. It's like everything I've dreamt of and fantasized about and hoped for someday all made into a reality. And thanks to being an empath and having an awesome imagination I can really envision what it will be like. And, this is the part where there are no words. The very thought is... overwhelming... amazing... beyond words.
And just to clarify, this is no way implies penetration or me specifically being with someone with a penis. Just to throw that out there. I'm just talking about anyone, male, female, both, neither, trans, whatever, doing anything with what I will have. ALL of those various thoughts. It's... again, no proper word to put here. I wish I had a way to make others understand this feeling. I can't help but think that if people who aren't trans and don't understand transgender could understand the thoughts and feelings I'm having right now it would change the world. (not to sound full of myself, but you just don't know if you haven't been where I'm at in my life). It's intense.
So that's just some thoughts and feelings I'm having about sex post-op. Felt like rambling on a bit about that one. :-)
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