Laying here in bed thinking again. It's something I like to do... think. Three weeks from right now I'll be laying in the hotel bed at the Residence Inn Mariott in San Mateo, California. Getting ready to go to sleep so I can get to both doctor appointments the next day. I likely will have just come from the hotel's heated pool. Since I can't go swimming for 6+ weeks after surgery I plan to go while I can now that I'm hooked on swimming again so badly.
I expect I'll be a nervous wreck. I think I'll ask Dr. Bowers for some medication to calm my nerves for the last couple days. I'm sure she can give me any number of a dozen things to relax me and/or help me sleep. Somehow seriously doubt I'm the first patient she's had that's nervous about surgery. lol
I really only worry because my health is so awful. I have a pretty crappy history as far as post-op recovery. Those 13 surgeries for Crohn's Disease and related side effects were rough. But truthfully I know I'll be fine. And in a few months I'll be looking back at this blog reading this and chuckling and crying cause I'll be so happy. I just tend to worry a lot. I get that from both my parents. Which is a big part of why the three of us have been driving each other insane.
So just waiting. Times going so fast and yet so slow. I have all my medical supplies except for one or two minor things I can pick up anywhere. Will need more of most of this stuff but I have enough to get myself through the difficult parts right after surgery. Not much else to do. I'm going to purchase some decent luggage before I go. That's really my last significant thing to do in my mind. Last time I borrowed my dad's billion year old horrible piece of crap suitcase. It was a challenge to close the zippers every time. And it was basically just not very easy to carry, pull, open, use, or fit anything in. Going to get a 3 piece set when I get my money in October. A decent sized suitcase I can put my clothes in. Something big enough to hold boots and jackets and so forth. Also want pockets to separate things. And room to put like device chargers and adapters and such. Then need a carry-on that can hold my meds and the cushion I'll have to sit on and the likely breakable souvenirs I plan to buy before surgery at the comic shop in San Mateo and post-op at George Lucas ILM Studios.
Another thing that's worrying me is that it's starting to get harder and harder to focus on how happy I will be afterwards. And it's becoming easier and easier to focus on the surgery. Which of course makes me freak out and worry and panic. I know everything will be alright but thinking about the details of the surgery still horrifies me. I want it done but really don't want to know about it. Kinda wish I was less knowledgeable than I am sometimes. lol Just knowing the specifics of the operation makes me freak.
My one other big fear is that it's happening so fast I don't have a lot of time to get things done. I have been planning to get some pre-op pics taken but my friend is having issues getting in touch with the person to use the studio. This is a huge deal to me right now. I am so freaked out about going through surgery and having no record or anything of the past. Especially with such an awful memory. I'm scared of losing everything. I want something more than my failing memory. And I'm hoping to put together this book down the road. But if surgery comes and goes without these pics I'm screwed. I know my friend is trying all he can. But again, I worry a lot. And time is going so fast I'm in total panic mode about everything.
And on top of all this I haven't had time to hang out with a lot of my friends. I feel like I'm neglecting people. I know at least one of them that's already mad at me because of it. And I don't know what to do about it. There's just too much happening at once. My brain is spinning in my head. And my dad calls up to yell at me every day about going out anywhere. I told him I hardly did anything last week except stuff with him and my mom and he was still pissed that I went to game night last night. It's like seriously? I don't need this shit right now. Hell I could be dead in 24 days!
In the end all I can say is I'll be glad when all this is over. The stress, the aggravation, the worry, the fear, the headaches, the difficulties, the anticipation, the waiting, all of it. So close and so far. I just want it to all be over so I can relax for a minute and not have to worry about anything.
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