Have gone through a relentless rollercoaster of emotions the last few days. Excited, happy, sad, scared, horrified, lonely, anxious, worried, stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, ecstatic, and many more.
And then out of the blue I had a different thought. I thought of that person that had to cancel their surgery date making it possible for me to get in earlier. That poor person...
I know nothing about them. No idea of age, race, gender identity or what they were going to have done. But odds are like myself and so many others, they went through many obstacles, many challenges, and many years of hell. To get so close and then not be able to go through with it. It's heartbreaking.
Here I am worried about the end result. Unfounded, irrational fears. No matter what anyone else says. Everyone I talk to is super happy. Happier than they thought they'd be. And here I am being afraid of what I've always wanted when I'm so close and so lucky to even have this chance.
I actually feel bad about feeling bad now. I feel bad about having doubts or fears. Someone somewhere is probably devastated having had their chance slip away for now.
I can only hope that it was a person decision of theirs. That they changed their mind freely or had it done elsewhere. I would feel worse knowing it was financial, or family, or health, or some other thing that stopped them right at the end.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, my heart goes out to you. And I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to get this over with sooner rather than later. I should be thankful how lucky I am and not so scared without cause or reason.
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