Wednesday, September 12, 2012

New Insight Into the Mystery That Is My Mom

Tonight I figured something out! While I was driving home in the rain and lightning, listening to music, thinking about how happy I am now about my upcoming surgery, and how much my face still hurts from laser removal earlier in the day.  I had a bit of a revelation about my mom.

While my mom has been pretty crazy and unpredictable for the greater part of the last two decades, it's only been since I started my medical transition (i.e. HRT, therapy, laser, etc.) that she's really been out of control to the point of being nearly impossible to live with.  I mean she was already being impossible to live with before.  But I didn't use to feel like she was directly attacking my gender and orientation all the time like now.

For 17 or 18 years now my mom has known about everything and seemingly supported me.  But last July began the real nightmare.  At first she was like, "You did what?" when she found out I had started HRT.  Then it was non-stop just telling me how this is going to hurt me physically and make me sick.  Which we all know the reality is the exact opposite, that this will make me happier and healthier.

From there she's gone on to try and thwart my every move.  She's randomly insulted all my friends for either being trans or being whatever orientation or for just supporting me at all.  She's refused to go to any support group, therapy, or education with me.  She won't even hear me speak!  She's constantly making assumptions about me, my life, and the world around me.

For over a year now I've been asking myself, "Where is this coming from?"  "What changed to cause this?"  "What did I do wrong?"  "Why won't she even try to understand anymore?"  "Why does she hate me now?"  "Was she abducted by aliens?"  All the usual questions.

She tried to stop me from getting my legal paperwork done.  Kept trying to convince me I'd lose my disability or insurance or whatever.  She tries to make it sound like everyone is trying to use me for something because I was raised and taught by her my whole life to never volunteer for anything.

Over the last couple months, since July 2012 when I had my surgical consultation and set up my date for GRS she's been acting crazier than ever.  One minute she's telling me she doesn't care what happens to me and she prays to God that I die during surgery.  She'll tell me she's going to burn down the house.  That she's going to drive off the side of the expressway ramp.  Offers me her gone telling me to just shoot myself.  So many horrific things.  Now while she's done that before.  It was never like this.

Then out of the blue she'll be all nice again, start telling me she loves me and cares and is worried.  And usually follows that up immediately by asking me to do something for her.  And I hadn't made the connection here.  This was one of the things that once I connected the pieces I realized was related to her craziness.  The things she's been needing help with.  Going to court to get her accident stuff done "before I go to California"...  I was like why does this matter?  She needed me to help her fix the washing machine that was jammed by lint and crap in the exhaust area under the middle hub dohickey.  She needed me to fix 3 overhead light fixtures.  Had me update her old resume and fix it so she had 3 different ones.  She had me help her jump start the other car.  Helped her fill out tons of job applications.  Just a lot of what seemed like random stuff.

But it's not!  They are not things she was confused over.  Not things she just "needed help with."  There are all very specific things that she either would not or could not do on her own...  And then I remembered what she said about she knows I'm going to kill myself by having this surgery.  Not that she's worried it might go wrong.  Not that she thinks I'm going actually kill myself.  But that she thinks my having the surgery will be what kills me.

*LIGHT BULB ON*

She thinks I'm going to die.  Not a worry.  But she really believes I'm going to die either in surgery or recovery.  She was there for my 13 surgeries from Crohn's Disease and Crohn's related conditions.  She was there when I code blued three times.  She knows what a rough time I've had in recovery.  That's what it is.  The good, bad and ugly of what she's been doing over the last year is cause she's convinced I'm going to die.

Why this makes sense?

She's getting all the things done she will need to survive on her own without me.  All the things she can't do on her own.  She's trying to make herself hate me so as to distance her from the pain of my death she's expecting.  The she snaps and realizes she does care every now and then and feels guilty.  She's given up trying to stop me the last couple months and she's preparing herself for my death.

Now, at first glance this seems awful and sad and like oh wow, what a shame and all that right?  But no!  This is actually GREAT!  Because you know what that means?  It means once I'm done with surgery and I don't die and go on to be happy she has no reason to be all pissed anymore.  No reason to be scared.  No reason to hate.

It seems so obvious to me now knowing her as I do.  I feel awful for her going through this but she doesn't have to be so I don't feel in anyway responsible.  I mean she could have chosen to deal with it like my dad has.  But she's chosen to freak out and convince herself I'm going to die.  And since she refuses to go to any classes or groups or therapists or to even read a book or a website, she will not ever understand it.  At least not before surgery.  Maybe afterwards when I live and she calms down a bit I may actually be able to get her to go to a class or something.  I myself feel better though now that this whole puzzle has been made clear.

I think when surgery is done and I'm happy I'll just be nice about it.  My initial response is going to be me wanting to be all obnoxious about it and all like, "I told you so!"  But I think I'll just be happy and let it go like everything else pre-op.  Just start fresh and move forward with her hopefully being a bit less crazy and negative about my life.  And yes, I am very convinced I'm right about this whole thing.  lol

35 days left...

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